I’ve been thinking more about the parallel universes we apparently inhabit within the secular movement, where there are factions on either side of a great rift who see certain narratives as being more useful to their ends, even where they hardly match anyone else’s memories or documented facts of the events in question. When I noticed a large number of the narratives against harassment policies were predicated on misreads of timing or misreads of intent or misreads of targeting of arguments, I put together my widely-referenced timeline to stomp some of those memes flat. This seems to me like evidence that one side of the divide is reality-based, and the other significantly less so. And the only remedy for that is chronicling the events so you can point to that chronicle and show why people are getting things so wrong so consistently.
This time, however, I thought it might be useful to put together a timeline of that parallel universe. I’ll extend this service mostly to benefit “our side”, so we can get our bearings whenever talking to someone who inhabits that other universe. Care to help crowdsource some of it for me while I travel today? No need for extensive references, just point out those things that people seem to think actually really happened and we’ll, I’m reasonably sure, eventually hone in on a close approximation of the alt-reality history of the movement. This all assumes the alt-reality idea that there is a single secular movement comprising atheism, skepticism and secularism that involves all practitioners thereof.
I’ll get us started. Feel free to add some events (major or minor) in the comments below, and we’ll edit them into the mainline timeline whenever I’m in reach of wifi on my trek back to NS.
- March 9th: The Secular Antichrist was born.
- The modern Internet was born, from the forge of previous parts over previous decades. This is largely regarded as a bad move. The first flame war happened ten minutes later.
- Skepchick and Freethought Blogs are secretly created. They immediately begin aggregating power behind the scenes for their planned takeover of the movement that has yet to coalesce. The Secular Antichrist is, of course, involved. All of this happens in accordance with the prophecies of Dennis Markuze.
- Men in the movement are bullied into buying calendars with nude ladies because the title is “SkepChick”. This is the first instance of misandry laid bare. Speculation abounds that this is an accidental exposure of the Skepchick feminist cabal.
- September: The veil of secrecy around the Skepchick feminist cabal is lifted (probably at great cost of lives and livelihoods by brave men). They go public for the first time under arch-feminist Rebecca Watson.
- As a result of Skepchick’s unveiling, other women are no longer able to organize in the skeptical, atheist and secular movements under any circumstances whatsoever.
- Furthering the plot to harass men by showing them nude pictures, Skepchick.org sells a calendar as a fundraiser for the James Randi Educational Foundation. This money probably never makes it to the noble JREF, going instead to funding misandrist activities.
- The Dark Lady Rebecca Watson uses subtle vocal modulations and successfully brainwashes the Skeptics Guide to the Universe into bringing her aboard, spreading the conspiracy and earning the enmity of a core group of stalwart warriors defending the skeptical community from such frivolous sarcasm and irreverent joviality that she presented, traits her predecessor Perry DeAngelis certainly did not share. Little did these brave young men know the depths of the villainy they were confronting.
- The Dark Lady draws moustaches on apples to prove that male apples are stinky and gross, in an attempt to create scientific evidence for her misandrist schemes.
- June: The End Times for the skeptical and atheist movements are portended when an event in an elevator involving the Dark Lady Rebecca Watson sets off a chain reaction that will culminate in World War 4. The possibility exists that this is a false flag — that the event in question was nothing but a ruse by the Dark Lady to spur on the secular Armageddon prematurely.
- July: The other shoe drops, and the other half of the conspiracy is laid bare when freethoughtblogs.com goes live on the internet. The Secular Antichrist is revealed to be a strangely charismatic and angry teddy bear.
- May: FtB and Skepchick attack TAM. Harassment policies are totally mentioned AFTER the attack, not BEFORE. Not unrelated: Greedo shot first.
- Thunderf00t joins Freethought Blogs, discovers the conspiracy and resists reprogramming. After he bravely attempts to sabotage the plans from within, Freethought Blogs runs him out of town on a rail, tars and feathers him, kicks him in the testicles repeatedly, paints moustaches on his photographs, and attempts to silence him throughout the entire internets.
Happily, wordpress.com and youtube.com do not comply with Freethought Blogs’ edicts.He was never heard from again ever in any capacity whatsoever.
- Dan Fincke, JT Eberhard and Chris Hallquist leave Freethought Blogs to spread the poison of feminism to Patheos. Never mind that their individual opinions on feminism vary greatly, they are obviously emissaries to assimilate the greatest religious discussion collective into the hivemind.
- Avicenna attempts a failed takeover of the conspiracy in a bid to crown himself Pharaoh. Despite this treachery, the secular antichrist allows him to continue writing his excessively long screeds with the full knowledge that majority of affluent white men have laptops on their laps while reading, and therefore are destroying their sperm and ensuring the end of the caucasian race.
- August 19th: Jen McCreight invents Atheism Plus, usurping atheism from its ideologically pure position of being rude to Ray Comfort, and making the divisive statement that women aren’t just for making sammiches and giving blow jobs.
- August: Surly Amy, disappointed at the lack of attention paid to her at TAM, decides to doc-drop someone. Channeling her amazing Skepchick powers, she is able to prevent anyone from linking to or finding this blatant violation of privacy.
- August: Ophelia Benson devotes an entire column to slamming Michael Shermer. She embeds a subliminal message which delays the reaction to December, at which point the feminist hordes descend on Shermer as planned. By a remarkable unrelated coincidence, at the same time he publishes an entire column devoted to correcting the record.