Mock The Movie: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter transcript

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is to American history what the Creation Institute is to geology. It is pap, pure and simple. There’s something refreshing about a movie so self-aware and so self-confident in its ability to deliver Big Epic Moments without even the slightest patina of historical accuracy. Honestly, I think the only thing I found really particularly wrong about this movie was that the vampires were vulnerable to silver, and that Abe Lincoln, latest in a long line of vampire slayers, forgot this fact for the two years making up the Civil War — a war, as it turns out, between humans from the North and vampires from the South. That’s already off the rails so everything from the first second or so of the movie is suspension of disbelief.

As always, subtitle files are here. Thanks again, CompulsoryAccount7746.

@blakestacey: @MockTM The schlock must flow!
2013-01-03 02:00:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie is the mind-killer.
2013-01-03 02:00:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dune Entertainment. If you slay without rhythm, you won’t attract the Wyrm.
2013-01-03 02:00:53
@szvan: @MockTM One of the advantages of no-budget independent films is that they start without all the studio advertising.
2013-01-03 02:00:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Basically, history is kind of a dickweed.”
2013-01-03 02:01:00
@CA7746: @MockTM You win this time, dusk.
2013-01-03 02:01:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM History. History never changes.
2013-01-03 02:01:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Pigeon Creek”. They were so more dignified in naming podunk towns in the 19th century.
2013-01-03 02:01:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM This is like if Zack Snyder directed a movie about abolitionism.
2013-01-03 02:02:43
@szvan: @MockTM Because slave traders aren’t evil enough, he has to have bad teeth.
2013-01-03 02:04:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM My fist: It haz a penny.
2013-01-03 02:04:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM I can tell already that this movie will have nuanced villains.
2013-01-03 02:04:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, Longfellow he ain’t…
2013-01-03 02:06:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I don’t think she’s listening any more.
2013-01-03 02:06:29
@BenZvan: @MockTM Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
2013-01-03 02:06:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Well, I can tell what kind of girl *you’re* interested in.”
2013-01-03 02:07:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You promise me you won’t do anything foolish like getting old suddenly and drinking in a bar.
2013-01-03 02:07:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We’ve checked high and low. And FourSquare.”
2013-01-03 02:07:47
@BenZvan: @MockTM your Henry is in the mail.
2013-01-03 02:08:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM “There are two kinds of men, Mr. Lincoln. Those who can pull the trigger, and those who expect binary jokes.”
2013-01-03 02:09:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM Boobies!
2013-01-03 02:09:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Necroboobs! Hooray!
2013-01-03 02:10:08
@BenZvan: @MockTM Gotta give them props for the earliest use of bullet time ever.
2013-01-03 02:10:23
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, no. The ball didn’t kill him. He caught it with his eye.
2013-01-03 02:10:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM jump_scares++;
2013-01-03 02:10:32
@szvan: @MockTM Splinters. Ouch.
2013-01-03 02:11:19
@BenZvan: @MockTM Gotta give them props for the most excessive use of…whatever that was.
2013-01-03 02:11:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM As it turns out, vampires are especially vulnerable to wood. Especially if launched into it at a sheer angle and high velocity.
2013-01-03 02:12:12
@BenZvan: @MockTM Leelu multipass!
2013-01-03 02:12:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Don’t say the ved-word!”
2013-01-03 02:13:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM For some reason I wish this Henry guy was played by Benedict Cumberbatch.
2013-01-03 02:14:14
@rvitelli: @lousycanuck @MockTM But do they sparkle?
2013-01-03 02:14:19
@BenZvan: @MockTM Well…my myths do that…sometimes.
2013-01-03 02:14:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You will have no friends, no family, some Slayer powers.”
2013-01-03 02:14:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM Commence training montage in 3, 2, …
2013-01-03 02:15:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You will have no friends. No family. Eight seasons and a few resurrections.
2013-01-03 02:15:24
@szvan: @MockTM “I told him what he wanted to hear.” Oh, “honest” Abe.
2013-01-03 02:15:34
@BenZvan: @MockTM Seven-barreled rifle? That’s from Genesis too, right?
2013-01-03 02:15:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What do you hate?” “I HATE THIS CHERRY TREEEEEE”
2013-01-03 02:16:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM He’s gained the power to cut through CG! :-O
2013-01-03 02:16:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Ah, just kidding. I like beating up on people in the dark.”
2013-01-03 02:17:00
@CA7746: @MockTM Truth, eh? This shouldn’t be physically possible. *Thwack*
2013-01-03 02:17:04
@szvan: @MockTM “Real power comes not from hate but from a computer in the back room at the studio.”
2013-01-03 02:17:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This is a comic book. THIS IS A COMIC BOOK. I’m… okay with this.
2013-01-03 02:17:38
@BenZvan: @MockTM “The hate is swelling in you now. Take your axe. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger”
2013-01-03 02:17:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You shall not crucify vampires on this axe of silver!”
2013-01-03 02:18:19
@szvan: @MockTM He’s going to need more impressive pants before he joins the circus.
2013-01-03 02:18:19
@BenZvan: @MockTM It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good axe-Kata movie.
2013-01-03 02:18:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM YES! A MONTAGE!
2013-01-03 02:18:27
@szvan: @MockTM Oh! So vampires are…werewolves?
2013-01-03 02:19:07
@CA7746: @MockTM Left-handed slaves.
2013-01-03 02:19:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So good of this guy to sit still for each frame of that daguerreotype for so long.
2013-01-03 02:19:52
@BenZvan: @MockTM Now I must make a custom silver and steel damascus axe.
2013-01-03 02:20:02
@BenZvan: @MockTM …also with Kryptonite.
2013-01-03 02:20:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No distractions, no friends or family… not even running for public office.
2013-01-03 02:20:39
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Lincoln…Abraham Lincoln.”
2013-01-03 02:21:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Life in Springfield is less than desirous. That wicked Mr. Burns…”
2013-01-03 02:21:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, all you have to do to get a love interest is to tempt fate? I gotta try me that.
2013-01-03 02:21:57
@szvan: @MockTM Casting? We need a low-rent Christian Slater lookalike.
2013-01-03 02:21:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Watch out! He’s a Doll!
2013-01-03 02:22:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Excuse me? Excuse me, main character, I’m the scheduled love inteest.
2013-01-03 02:22:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Say, hasn’t Alan Tudyk been staked already?
2013-01-03 02:22:58
2013-01-03 02:23:09
@BenZvan: @MockTM And the likely best part of the movie just walked into the store.
2013-01-03 02:23:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM AAAAGH THE CG ZOOM MY EYES
2013-01-03 02:23:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck WIN
2013-01-03 02:24:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s a trick. Get an axe.”
2013-01-03 02:24:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM He’s wandered into an amateur production of TITUS ANDRONICUS, the poor fool.
2013-01-03 02:24:56
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Use the force Abe!”
2013-01-03 02:25:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I had killed a monster. And I would kill again. Kill! Kill! Kill!”
2013-01-03 02:26:08
@BenZvan: @MockTM This razor is much to dull…let me drag it across this sink for a minute or two.
2013-01-03 02:26:22
@szvan: @MockTM Wait…is this…chocolate syrup?
2013-01-03 02:26:42
@CA7746: @MockTM Fight Club
2013-01-03 02:26:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No amount of death would make me forget… that I accidentally got some vampire motor oil in my mouth.
2013-01-03 02:27:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Screenwriter-bot: Romantic banter subroutine engage!
2013-01-03 02:27:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oooh goody! Death montage!
2013-01-03 02:29:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Oops. Not a rice-counting vampire.
2013-01-03 02:29:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I made a deposit at the local bank, hoping the interest rate on teleporting vampires is decent.”
2013-01-03 02:30:19
@BenZvan: @MockTM Sharpest shelf this side of the Pecos.
2013-01-03 02:30:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM “These vampires, are they the Sapphic kind, made famous by Le Fanu’s CARMILLA, per chance?”
2013-01-03 02:30:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wow, the hat’s structural!
2013-01-03 02:31:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ladies and gentlemen, we have a callback!
2013-01-03 02:31:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Six?” “No, seven. With one blow. it’s a gift.”
2013-01-03 02:32:14
@BenZvan: @MockTM Ms Todd, you are a woman of absolutely no mass.
2013-01-03 02:33:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, it’s that house from Resistance. You know the one.
2013-01-03 02:33:54
@BenZvan: @MockTM Those trees have “made in Louisiana” written all over them.
2013-01-03 02:34:18
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Actually, it was Resistance 2, not Resistance: Fall of Man.
2013-01-03 02:35:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, good marks on your fighting skills, but your pre-smackdown one-liners need work.
2013-01-03 02:35:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ladies and gentlemen, we have sidekick.
2013-01-03 02:35:24
@BenZvan: @MockTM Will? Will Scarlet?
2013-01-03 02:35:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh no wait. He’s a vampire.
2013-01-03 02:36:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM [gonna pause the movie to let others catch up. and to drink.]
2013-01-03 02:36:46
@BenZvan: @MockTM God makes a lot of common-looking people…or maybe you don’t understand averages.
2013-01-03 02:37:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa, Abe’s getting all dark for someone who doesn’t actually know there’s a world-ending threat at hand.
2013-01-03 02:37:26
@szvan: @MockTM Why the historical inaccuracies are so much harder to deal with for Mary Todd, I don’t know, but they are.
2013-01-03 02:37:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM So this is where CG horses are raised. Learn something every day!
2013-01-03 02:38:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know what would make this scene better? If all the horses were…VAMPIRE HORSES.
2013-01-03 02:39:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM EQUINE CHUCKIN, coming soon to the Discovery Channel!
2013-01-03 02:39:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM How’s Lincoln so good at this if he’s never had video games to practice on?
2013-01-03 02:40:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NO! MUFASA!
2013-01-03 02:40:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Thank goodness for all this dust and sun to make it look so realistic.
2013-01-03 02:41:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Horse-tossing vampire, sure. But a cliff in Indiana…!?
2013-01-03 02:41:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM And the surprise revelation we were all expecting in 3…2…
2013-01-03 02:41:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM On the freeway leaping from car to car… horse to horse…
2013-01-03 02:41:55
@BenZvan: @MockTM Epic…I do not think that word means what you think it means.
2013-01-03 02:42:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Are you drinking that man’s blood?” “I’m not not drinking his blood.”
2013-01-03 02:42:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The axehandle rifle. Standard issue.
2013-01-03 02:42:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM Okay…so now I need to add a shotgun to my silver/steel damascus axe.
2013-01-03 02:42:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If you didn’t guess Henry’s a vampire based on the sunglasses, you don’t know vampire movies.
2013-01-03 02:43:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Worst hunter ever. That tavern had a mirror, man!
2013-01-03 02:43:45
@CA7746: @MockTM So that’s where Easter grass comes from.
2013-01-03 02:43:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM Next time, get a girlfriend who knows how to use a projectile weapon! Sheesh.
2013-01-03 02:44:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I liked this guy better when he was in Soul Reaver: Legacy of Kain.
2013-01-03 02:45:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “One of God’s little tricks. Vampires cannot kill their own kind.” “Did God say anything about…kneecaps?” #bettermovielines
2013-01-03 02:45:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM Vampires can’t kill their own kind. That’s like one of those don’t-feed-gremlin-after-midnight rules.
2013-01-03 02:46:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH NO I LOVED YOU SO MUCH. Well you’re already dead… might as well have a little sip.
2013-01-03 02:47:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM E.g., can one vampire set a building on fire which happens to kill another, or does the second then become temporarily fireproof?
2013-01-03 02:47:37
@CA7746: @MockTM I’m a fireman. Lumberjack. Jack Nicholson…
2013-01-03 02:48:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM If you really must know, it’s anything but my axe.
2013-01-03 02:48:45
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Will you Marry Todd me?”
2013-01-03 02:48:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Is… is that a yes?
2013-01-03 02:49:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “…honest with her in all things…” Oh, ain’t that some foreshadowing.
2013-01-03 02:49:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM “They don’t even know who I am. It’s not like I put ‘killin vampires’ on my Facebook status. BTW, I invented Facebook.”
2013-01-03 02:49:53
@szvan: @MockTM They don’t even know who I am. It’s not like I carried out a notorious revenge killing or anything.
2013-01-03 02:51:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Sidekick imperilled in 3…2…
2013-01-03 02:51:53
@szvan: @MockTM You and me, Abraham. Together we can get you exactly where the boss wants you.
2013-01-03 02:53:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Speed knows exactly how much about vampire-killin’?
2013-01-03 02:53:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wow, they ripped off a sight gag from WILD WILD WEST, of all movies. Somehow apropos….
2013-01-03 02:53:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look at all those white folks and black folks dancing together. Something isn’t right about this.” “Vampires?” “Miscegenation.”
2013-01-03 02:54:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hey, who turned on the anachronistic music?
2013-01-03 02:54:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Three point landings for the win!
2013-01-03 02:54:48
@szvan: @MockTM First, we let you cull the vampires that can’t fight. We didn’t want to keep them anyway.
2013-01-03 02:55:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM I guess saying “Jews didn’t build the pyramids” is kind of beside the point here…
2013-01-03 02:55:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Sorry, what were you saying? I was distracted by dominatrix-vamp sitting on my face.”
2013-01-03 02:56:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A chair!? MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!
2013-01-03 02:56:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh shit, this guy’s Vandal Savage.
2013-01-03 02:56:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM Louisiana? From the birds, I think they’re in the same swamp where Charles Foster Kane built Xanadu.
2013-01-03 02:57:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Gonna be all colors of blood spilled. Red, green if you’re a Vulcan…”
2013-01-03 02:59:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, he’s just saying that because Rossum wants him to.
2013-01-03 02:59:42
@szvan: @MockTM Aaaaaand we never taught Will how to fight because…?
2013-01-03 02:59:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan Will can already do backflip kicks. Just give him some silver.
2013-01-03 03:00:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Gon’ be all colored’s spillin blood. I mean all colors of blood spilled. How many colors is that? Oh, just one?
2013-01-03 03:01:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM And the next hour is about the passage of the 13th Amendment. SIKE!
2013-01-03 03:01:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I would fight not with an axe but with words. And ideals. And an axe.”
2013-01-03 03:02:39
@szvan: @MockTM It was time to become a man and learn how not to shave.
2013-01-03 03:03:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM By the sheer force of the manliness of his resolve to free the slaves, Abe Lincoln’s beard grew three sizes that day.
2013-01-03 03:03:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM Man, the vampires have certainly taken their sweet time doing something about him.
2013-01-03 03:03:53
@CA7746: @MockTM The freedom, of Willy.
2013-01-03 03:04:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM Quick, feed the boy garlic!
2013-01-03 03:05:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why do something about this guy that’s waging war on your breeding stock? It’s not like they could find the President or anything.
2013-01-03 03:05:11
@szvan: @MockTM Because freeing the slaves wasn’t noble enough. Or sexy. Or something.
2013-01-03 03:05:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Are you a bad enough President to rescue the dudes from evil vampires?”
2013-01-03 03:05:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck lolz! 😀
2013-01-03 03:06:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Did Willy just get tuberculosis of the wrist?
2013-01-03 03:07:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM “He would be something else! Something terrible! Like this guy.”
2013-01-03 03:08:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, sorry, Typhoid Fever. Which, I understand, is LIKE vampirism. Or something.
2013-01-03 03:08:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck CONSUMPTION of the wrist.
2013-01-03 03:09:09
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM Well played sir.
2013-01-03 03:09:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The war spread on, into the Game of Thrones intro…”
2013-01-03 03:10:09
@CA7746: @MockTM That cameraman took out a whole regiment!
2013-01-03 03:10:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ulysses S. Dracula gets his orders.
2013-01-03 03:11:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dammit. I meant Robert E. Lee Dracula. Mulligan?
2013-01-03 03:12:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And, since I’ve done the right thing…can you do that trick with the chair for me?”
2013-01-03 03:13:20
@szvan: @MockTM So this is the point in a cartoonish action-adventure movie where you halt the action in favor of politics?
2013-01-03 03:14:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m sorry I’ve kept you in the dark. In the dark about vampires. No pun intended.”
2013-01-03 03:14:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Our bayonets are as useless as this fork. This… silver… fork. ARM THE TROOPS WITH FORKS!”
2013-01-03 03:14:42
@szvan: @MockTM You know, after fighting this war for two years, I think it might just be time to use weapons that work.
2013-01-03 03:15:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM So the implication of this movie is that the Civil War could’ve been avoided if Abe had sent vampire-killing commandos to the bayou?
2013-01-03 03:15:44
@szvan: @MockTM “I’m sorry, Mary.” “Me too, Abe. I’d have told you to use silver two years ago.”
2013-01-03 03:16:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’ve waited a long time for you to say those words. Except I already knew because you told me way back at the beginning.”
2013-01-03 03:16:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Welp. Fifty years older. Let’s see if I still have my axe-spnning skillz. …Nope.
2013-01-03 03:18:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Tea partiers must have fucking hated this film because they’d have to root for the undead.
2013-01-03 03:19:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM I’m betting at least 75% of this whole setpiece will be in slowmo
2013-01-03 03:21:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Speed couldn’t possibly betray me. He’s my sidekick! No… wait… that’s Will. SHIT.”
2013-01-03 03:21:40
@szvan: @MockTM All right, motherfuckers. This time, they gave me silver.
2013-01-03 03:21:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Having a second axe would simplify things here, wouldn’t it?
2013-01-03 03:22:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hah, still got you, sucker. The gun’s made of silver too. *poke*
2013-01-03 03:24:18
@szvan: @MockTM I suppose,given all the crates, that having their weakness be wood would get very boring very quickly.
2013-01-03 03:24:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM @szvan That would definitely…[dark spectacles] lower the stakes of combat. #YEEEEEEAAAAAH
2013-01-03 03:26:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM “When I am an evil vampire overlord, I will *not* confront the hero on a burning bridge. An office will do nicely.”
2013-01-03 03:28:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Excellent! We’ve stolen the shipment of rocks, to which we vampires are even WEAKER than silver! All according to plan!!!
2013-01-03 03:28:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM FLY YOU FOOLS!
2013-01-03 03:29:28
@szvan: @MockTM What? He’s practiced on horses! He can totes do trains!
2013-01-03 03:29:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Tumbleweed in 3…2…
2013-01-03 03:30:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So, Mary Todd Anderson…”
2013-01-03 03:30:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lincoln wins. Fatality.
2013-01-03 03:30:33
@szvan: @MockTM I think I can. I think I can. I think….
2013-01-03 03:31:03
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Men, don’t shoot until you see the sparkle in their eyes!”
2013-01-03 03:31:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM By sheer force of his epicness, Abe changes the laws of physics for just this one purpose.
2013-01-03 03:32:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Our enemies have made their exodus. To Germany, Austria, Japan…nowhere we’ll ever have to worry about.”
2013-01-03 03:32:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “…And dedicated to the proposition of purging this great nation of the supernatural.”
2013-01-03 03:34:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “These men shall not have died in vain. But let’s maybe behead them to make sure they’re all really dead, okay?”
2013-01-03 03:35:19
@blakestacey: @MockTM Abe is dead, but Harry will return in THUNDERBALL!
2013-01-03 03:35:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mary? Have you seen my bulletproof hat?
2013-01-03 03:36:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Was that supposed to be Obama? WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE OBAMA!? SERIOUSLY!?!
2013-01-03 03:38:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM [looks at empty 750-mL lambic bottle] Oh! THAT’s why that movie got fun towards the end.
2013-01-03 03:38:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM *burp*
2013-01-03 03:38:44
@szvan: @MockTM “Oh, ha ha! It’s *clever*!” @pixelsnake pointing at the end credit scene.
2013-01-03 03:39:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck “Mr. President, the time for compromise with the undead is OVER!”
2013-01-03 03:40:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck “All right, Joe. Let’s drive those bloodsuckers over the fiscal cliff.”
2013-01-03 03:41:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey “You go to war with the undead problem you have, not the undead problem you might want.”
2013-01-03 03:43:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck “I forgot to mention that we DO still use some bayonets. SILVER BAYONETS.”
2013-01-03 03:43:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM @lousycanuck “Be careful. The enemy has binders full of vampire women.”
2013-01-03 03:44:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey Wait. This TOTALLY explains the Tea Partiers. Okay then! Meta FTW!
2013-01-03 03:45:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or firms is purely coincidental.
2013-01-03 03:45:52

Mock The Movie: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter transcript

4 thoughts on “Mock The Movie: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter transcript

  1. 2

    I hate it when people mess up history too.

    Just not in this case, because I suspect they were fully aware of it and were just focused on making a movie about Abraham Lincoln slaying vampires.

    Given the success of Twilight, I think we can all agree we wish Abraham Lincoln would come back and kill a few more.

    Abraham Lincoln: Twilight Hunter

  2. 3

    See, I was totally willing to suspend my disbelief where the vampires were concerned but it was the historical inaccuracies and anachronisms that soured me on the movie. Vampires? Sure, bring it. Mary Todd Lincoln handing out silver weapons on the battle ground? No.

  3. 4

    Since this is the most recent movie-related post I see on FTB, I’ll share this here: If anybody here happens to be receiving the Showtime movie channels package, I noticed they’re showing the atheist movie ‘The Ledge’ in the early-morning hours of Saturday January 5 on ‘Showtime Extreme’.

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