Mock The Movie: Sands Of Oblivion transcript

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Even Adam Baldwin and Morena Baccarin and liberal reuse of CGI giant snake models from other Syfy movies couldn’t save this miserable pile of self-mockery. By the end of it I was really hoping for a better one-liner to finish off the bad guy. The fight scene with the cutout paintings was the crowning achievement of this movie, which should tell you something. That’s all I have to say about that.

Subtitle files via CompulsoryAccount7746. Rename to the same as your video file only .srt, and VLC should do the rest.

@lousycanuck: @MockTM All queued up and I have drinks and snacks. Woot!
2012-11-30 01:59:22
@CA7746: @MockTM Anything. Even hugs.
2012-11-30 02:00:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Helmeted guy in front is hypnotized.
2012-11-30 02:01:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Which one is Xerxes again? I can’t tell without all the piercings.
2012-11-30 02:02:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Footwear, not a priority.
2012-11-30 02:03:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “As time passed, the wise men learned how to defend themselves against the beast. They found his weak point. His heart. Who knew?”
2012-11-30 02:04:22
@CA7746: @MockTM Buried below an inch of sand, forever…
2012-11-30 02:05:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And nobody better walk off with that Chappa’ai. It’s valuable.”
2012-11-30 02:06:55
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 02:07:51
@szvan: @MockTM Wait. We’re watching Godzilla?
2012-11-30 02:07:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Papyrus font for title, check.
2012-11-30 02:07:57
@szvan: @MockTM Smoke. Just like sand, right?
2012-11-30 02:08:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, impaling himself on that obelisk totally bent it like almost thirty degrees.
2012-11-30 02:08:44
@szvan: @MockTM Those are a lot of footprints. What take is this?
2012-11-30 02:10:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM You didn’t tell me we were watching Ishtar! You bastard!
2012-11-30 02:10:10
@agolas: @MockTM “I’m ready for my closeup!”
2012-11-30 02:11:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Kodos!
2012-11-30 02:11:27
@BenZvan: @MockTM “The day of all days! Pharaoh’s legions await my ord…Mmm…donuts….”
2012-11-30 02:12:25
@szvan: @MockTM “Pharaoh’s legions await my orders!.Bring me donuts!”
2012-11-30 02:12:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sand doesn’t move around at all. So it’s *always* been an inch deep.
2012-11-30 02:12:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM There may be a reason @szvan and I are married to each…mmm…donuts…
2012-11-30 02:13:38
@BenZvan: @MockTM You gotta like a movie that’s self-mocking.
2012-11-30 02:14:15
@szvan: @MockTM DeMille: “I don’t truck with fantasy.” Umm, dude!
2012-11-30 02:14:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Do kids often say “that said”? I really wouldn’t know.
2012-11-30 02:14:44
@BenZvan: @MockTM @lousycanuck No, they don’t…that said, I wouldn’t know either.
2012-11-30 02:15:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Only fools venture to this desolate place. Fools and actors. And little boys.”
2012-11-30 02:16:00
@BenZvan: @MockTM You think we should put a danger sign on this open manhole? Nah, why draw attention to it?
2012-11-30 02:16:17
@szvan: @MockTM Only fools venture to this desolate place…and the tortoises can feed the monster, for all I care.
2012-11-30 02:16:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And we have our hero.
2012-11-30 02:16:34
@BenZvan: @MockTM Steve Wozniak stars in this movie? Sweet! Segway running from Anubis in the sand!
2012-11-30 02:17:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “But the things I find in the sand turn out to be dangerous.” “Land mines?” “No, ancient evil mostly.”
2012-11-30 02:17:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, Jayne is cheating on Inara.
2012-11-30 02:19:54
@BenZvan: @MockTM Aaannd…ass in your face. Uh…tv screen.
2012-11-30 02:20:01
@szvan: @MockTM Sleeping with his student. Can we feed him to the monster first?
2012-11-30 02:20:20
@jazzidiot: RT @MockTM: 10 minutes to mocking! Hit play on my mark.
2012-11-30 02:20:24
@BenZvan: @MockTM Aaannd…ass in the sand…
2012-11-30 02:21:14
@BenZvan: @MockTM Uh…G.I. Joe what now?
2012-11-30 02:21:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You haven’t found any of the good stuff yet!” “Oh yes I have, here’s G I Joe.”
2012-11-30 02:21:52
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t always look at metrosexual dudes, but when I do, I think, “G. I. Joe!”
2012-11-30 02:22:22
@BenZvan: @MockTM The Woz has really gone downhill in his acting abilities.
2012-11-30 02:22:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM My metal detector has gone off in the desert! There must be a movie set here!
2012-11-30 02:24:39
@agolas: @MockTM “Eighty years! Not quite a thousand, but close enough!”
2012-11-30 02:25:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Hey, it’s Donnie Darko’s rabbit friend!
2012-11-30 02:25:05
@BenZvan: @MockTM If The Woz had really buried a time capsule, he’d have let someone else dig it up.
2012-11-30 02:25:35
@CA7746: @MockTM Whoever possessed the Amulet of Ra was protected… or not.
2012-11-30 02:25:58
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 02:26:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM He’s old, yes, but arms don’t generally break off like they’re made of paper mache. Just saying.
2012-11-30 02:26:51
@szvan: @MockTM Oooh, the monster has cauterizing teeth.
2012-11-30 02:27:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Chest compressions on someone with an unclosed wound is a bad idea generally.
2012-11-30 02:27:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well what DO you know, Sergeant Flattop?”
2012-11-30 02:28:45
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t think he actually wears that hat.
2012-11-30 02:29:05
@BenZvan: @MockTM Keep your missing arms off of my blue suede shoes. Uh huh.
2012-11-30 02:29:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Seal of protection that keeps away evil spirits.” “Doesn’t seem to work too well.” Yeah no kidding. This movie is self aware.
2012-11-30 02:30:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look, I know you’re grieving, but do you want a job?
2012-11-30 02:31:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM We’re going to move this set in 2 weeks. Place the snipers there…and there.
2012-11-30 02:32:03
@szvan: @MockTM What a coincidence? The cute dude has qualifications that will keep him near the cute chick. Who’d a thunk?
2012-11-30 02:32:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I read the papers. I watch CNN. I know things about things.” “Which papers?” “All of them. I read them all. Yeah.”
2012-11-30 02:34:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Flashback! Guy running through the desert yelling “Dr Carter!”
2012-11-30 02:34:40
@szvan: @MockTM Someone should tell the special effects team that you’re not supposed to see where the matte starts.
2012-11-30 02:35:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Now that Dr. Carter has arrived, when do you suppose O’Neil will show up?
2012-11-30 02:35:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This vase looks like the real thing.” “Hey let’s play catch with it!”
2012-11-30 02:35:31
@szvan: @MockTM The heavy machinery operator started with the look of a man who knows his shirt is red.
2012-11-30 02:36:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM Basic entomology people! Scorpions don’t sting that way!
2012-11-30 02:36:21
@szvan: @MockTM “Oh, my God! Those special effects are terrible!”
2012-11-30 02:36:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude gets beheaded, everyone’s first reaction is “someone call an ambulance”? Yeah. Maybe CPR. Mouth to esophagus.
2012-11-30 02:36:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM Okay…his head is going to get cut off, but I don’t want you to scream about it until the tractor backs up to show it for no reason
2012-11-30 02:37:18
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Esophagus? You want to inflate his stomach?
2012-11-30 02:37:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look I know this sounds crazy, but my spider-sense was acting up. I know, they’re not spiders, but scorpions are pretty close.”
2012-11-30 02:38:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM From the outtakes: “I hate this.” “Hate what?” “This movie, mostly.”
2012-11-30 02:38:56
@szvan: @MockTM “I’ve got this weird feeling about what happened, and I haven’t been able to shake it in the hour since he died.”
2012-11-30 02:39:31
@BenZvan: @MockTM The unzip of doom!
2012-11-30 02:39:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hello little shard of plaster.” “Hello.” “AAAAH”
2012-11-30 02:39:42
@BenZvan: @MockTM Consistent with the completely nonexistent Holywood set construction standards of the early 19…20s.
2012-11-30 02:40:47
@szvan: @MockTM If she won’t push any harder than that to save herself, she deserves to die.
2012-11-30 02:41:06
@agolas: @MockTM Be honest, who else was expecting him to suck her shadow dry and toss her aside? *cough*themummy*cough*
2012-11-30 02:41:18
@BenZvan: @MockTM commercial: It has multicell-tubes!!!
2012-11-30 02:41:18
@BenZvan: @agolas @MockTM Well…now that you mention it…
2012-11-30 02:41:51
@szvan: @MockTM We don’t have many students with speaking lines left. I predict a chase scene coming up soon.
2012-11-30 02:42:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m better than you at your field, and your wife digs me. Eat it, Jayne.”
2012-11-30 02:42:11
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rosebud!!!! *spoilers*
2012-11-30 02:44:10
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 02:44:48
@szvan: @MockTM Not a chase scene then, just a suddenly indecisive monster.
2012-11-30 02:45:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “A face like a wolf or a dog… or Anubis… because we know things about ancient Egypt if we’re students in this class, right?”
2012-11-30 02:45:57
@BenZvan: @MockTM Doberman…jackal…whatevz.
2012-11-30 02:46:07
@agolas: @MockTM So are there a lot of historians who double-specialize in ancient Egypt and early 20th century American film?
2012-11-30 02:47:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It reads like a spell. An incantation. Let me read it… snake head, snake middle part, snake middle part.”
2012-11-30 02:47:14
@szvan: @MockTM “It’s arranged like a code. Because those are arranged differently than any other kind of communication.”
2012-11-30 02:47:29
@BenZvan: @MockTM “It’s like a puzzle…There’s no logic.” “No, there’s logic, it’s arranged like a code.”
2012-11-30 02:47:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well there’s no literal translation. ‘Or drown in the sands of oblivion.’ Wait, I guess maybe that IS literal.”
2012-11-30 02:48:19
@BenZvan: @MockTM Okay…I gotta give them props for self-awareness. Good point.
2012-11-30 02:48:58
@szvan: @MockTM “You sound like a bunch of UFO chasers”, says the guys whose grandpa’s arm just sort of disappeared.
2012-11-30 02:49:01
@CA7746: @MockTM Seth, the boner killer.
2012-11-30 02:49:06
@CA7746: @MockTM So… Yahweh’s the boner killer.
2012-11-30 02:49:17
@BenZvan: @MockTM “what are you doing?!” “I’m sitting down…I’m kind of tired.”
2012-11-30 02:49:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooooh. “Cartouche.” Look at you, all archaeologist-like.
2012-11-30 02:50:08
@szvan: @MockTM And Jesse suddenly stops to hear everything he’s just said and gets scared. Very bright, for a scientist.
2012-11-30 02:50:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Im na Ra” is the “right hand of Seth”? Not “Ra?” Of course, his translation may be off, he just said…
2012-11-30 02:50:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OM NOM NOM. Fucking megapythons.
2012-11-30 02:53:35
@szvan: @MockTM I don’t remember “hauling people up into trees” from the plagues of Egypt.
2012-11-30 02:54:51
@szvan: @MockTM Someone needs to explain to these writers that you can only hang so many lanterns on one script.
2012-11-30 02:56:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s more to ancient egypt than mummies — there’s also evil sand demons.”
2012-11-30 02:56:55
@BenZvan: @MockTM There was more to Egypt than mummies and pyramids. There was the occult too.
2012-11-30 02:56:56
@szvan: @MockTM Sooo…she’s read these archives before, but she was surprised by the artifacts in the buried city. Huh.
2012-11-30 02:56:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know who he is. I rifled through is wallet while he was unconscious.”
2012-11-30 02:57:45
@BenZvan: @MockTM “It’s a movie…or is it?”
2012-11-30 02:58:00
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM That’s because she’s an archaeologist and they’re not noted for their observational skills or anything.
2012-11-30 02:59:18
@szvan: @MockTM “Freemasons!” Duh, duh, DUH!
2012-11-30 02:59:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Now what I’m about to tell you has been disavowed by the Egyptian government and our own. Freemasons, along with the Illuminati…”
2012-11-30 03:00:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How long til we get Bigfoot and MK-ULTRA in here?
2012-11-30 03:01:45
@szvan: @MockTM Our video keeps freezing and I keep thinking I’m missing important plot developments. Silly me.
2012-11-30 03:01:50
@BenZvan: @MockTM The bare midriff means she’s evil.
2012-11-30 03:02:23
@szvan: @MockTM So the monster likes foreplay. Huh.
2012-11-30 03:02:53
@BenZvan: @MockTM I didn’t know Ted Danson had a cameo in this movie!
2012-11-30 03:02:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So what was the purpose exactly of Anubis turning into a hot lady?
2012-11-30 03:03:10
@BenZvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Rawr!
2012-11-30 03:03:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Anything spring up? Other than the obvious?”
2012-11-30 03:03:52
@BenZvan: @MockTM I had to take a shower because I really don’t going out in the desert because that’s my job and stuff.
2012-11-30 03:04:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, do you mind turning around and ogling me in the mirror instead of straight-on?”
2012-11-30 03:04:39
@BenZvan: @MockTM I find that vests with hoods are the most practical thing ever. They’re also cute.
2012-11-30 03:04:59
2012-11-30 03:06:13
@BenZvan: @MockTM Just explaining the utility of the amulet probably would have been quicker than threatening, then explaining the amulet thing.
2012-11-30 03:06:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He hasn’t been in your brain. Or your mind. Or your brain.”
2012-11-30 03:06:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Remember how I told you I don’t believe in God? Well this is real. Unlike God. Yeah. I went there.”
2012-11-30 03:07:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Aah, a box full of pieces of paper! My one weakness!”
2012-11-30 03:07:39
@BenZvan: @MockTM “For housekeeping. Sorry about the locusts.”
2012-11-30 03:08:01
@szvan: @MockTM Anyone want to explain to the writers why locusts are really a problem? Hint #1: It is what they eat. Hint #2: They don’t eat flesh.
2012-11-30 03:08:48
@szvan: @MockTM “It wasn’t Jesse.” Actually, it’s not particularly out of character for the asshole we’ve seen.
2012-11-30 03:09:22
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Weapon up jarhead.”
2012-11-30 03:09:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, that plague of locusts had to fly all the way from Egypt. That’s why it’s having trouble keeping up with the truck.
2012-11-30 03:10:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Apologies to any marines I may have offended.” Speaking directly to the audience.
2012-11-30 03:10:39
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, *now* they tell us we need 10 or 15 beers.
2012-11-30 03:11:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, if there’s a rapture, this guy and his white phosphorus will totally fend off all those angels.
2012-11-30 03:12:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM A buttload of white phosphorus is a surprisingly small amount in real life.
2012-11-30 03:12:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Plot gremlins.
2012-11-30 03:13:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I was expecting a rising swell of patriotic music there. So disappointing.
2012-11-30 03:13:47
@BenZvan: @MockTM Tempus Fugit so Carpe Diem.
2012-11-30 03:14:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Jesse was smart enough to sabotage the truck but none of the other vehicles.
2012-11-30 03:15:10
@BenZvan: @MockTM “Are you telling me someone has breached my perimeter?” Uh…okay…I’m not going there.
2012-11-30 03:15:35
@szvan: @MockTM Apparently being possessed by an ancient monster makes you a little…well…stupid.
2012-11-30 03:15:36
@szvan: @MockTM Yep, still seeing less than zero personality change.
2012-11-30 03:17:07
@BenZvan: @MockTM Those are the second worst CGI cobras ever.
2012-11-30 03:17:59
@BenZvan: @MockTM And…that’s the worst CGI cobra ever.
2012-11-30 03:18:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It’s so good that Syfy gets to reuse their old CG models.
2012-11-30 03:18:40
@BenZvan: @MockTM I guess the best way to fight a god really is with a rapture nut.
2012-11-30 03:19:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Nice of them to color-code the dune buggies so we don’t get confused during the big chase scene.
2012-11-30 03:19:27
@BenZvan: @MockTM “oh I wish I was in the land of Dixie!”
2012-11-30 03:19:57
@szvan: @MockTM What’s the cure for testosterone poisoning? I’m going to need some before this is over.
2012-11-30 03:20:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Our heroine is wearing a quantum necklace.
2012-11-30 03:20:53
@szvan: @MockTM And the cure for stupid.
2012-11-30 03:21:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They didn’t even have it in their budget to have a real car accident. Wow.
2012-11-30 03:22:06
@BenZvan: @MockTM Aaaaaaahhhh! Zoom pan!!!!!
2012-11-30 03:22:42
@agolas: @MockTM Ha! No effort to hide the tracks of the camera truck!
2012-11-30 03:22:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Filmed in SHUDDER CAM!
2012-11-30 03:22:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Punch. Punch. Shake boil goo off hands. Punch.
2012-11-30 03:23:49
@BenZvan: @MockTM I never could get the hang of keeping my passenger from knocking my manual transmission out of gear.
2012-11-30 03:23:54
@szvan: @MockTM I’m going to have to watch the sledgehammer fight from Streets of Fire after this, just to remove the taste.
2012-11-30 03:24:03
@BenZvan: @MockTM Well…that looked…scratchy.
2012-11-30 03:24:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I guess they should have walked without rhythm, so as not to attract the angry god.
2012-11-30 03:24:52
@szvan: @MockTM *That’s* how you soothe the grieving. “That was just a walking meat puppet.”
2012-11-30 03:25:38
@BenZvan: @MockTM That was a pretty crappy parking job.
2012-11-30 03:26:11
@CA7746: @MockTM Jar Jar has not aged well.
2012-11-30 03:26:26
@szvan: @MockTM “Nigel, what are you doing here?” “I don’t think the death count is high enough yet.”
2012-11-30 03:26:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You have the amulet right?” “Yeah, right here. Hmm. It was here a second ago.” “Oh silly me, it’s back on my neck again.”
2012-11-30 03:26:37
@BenZvan: @MockTM Rawr! Heh heh heh.
2012-11-30 03:28:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t worry, I’m an expert at fighting with cardboard cutouts.”
2012-11-30 03:28:06
@szvan: @MockTM “Oh, I don’t believe this.” Suddenly my favoritest character ever.
2012-11-30 03:28:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM For anyone keeping track, rebar is not one of Anubis’ weaknesses.
2012-11-30 03:28:57
@agolas: @MockTM “I’m sick of you, you bastard!” Me, to this movie
2012-11-30 03:29:18
@BenZvan: @MockTM That throw was a thankfully missed opportunity for a Wilhelm scream.
2012-11-30 03:29:19
@szvan: @MockTM Wait. That’s not Anubis. Which Egyptian god has the head of a rotting camel?
2012-11-30 03:29:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, the shotgun won’t KILL him, but making him pause to reassemble himself isn’t totally useless.
2012-11-30 03:30:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, no, no, you don’t hit the enemy with the mortar launcher. You hit them with the mortar.
2012-11-30 03:30:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hope you’ve got some sunscreen?” Really? What the hell kinda one-liner is that? Why not, like, “your ass is glass?”
2012-11-30 03:32:00
@CA7746: @MockTM He tampered in Alice’s domain.
2012-11-30 03:32:14
@BenZvan: @MockTM For the record, it’s usually Willy Pete, not Willy Peter.
2012-11-30 03:32:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey Alice, there’s one more thing –” “SEX YES PLEASE” “Okay.”
2012-11-30 03:33:09
@BenZvan: @MockTM There’s one more thing we can squeeze in…rawr!
2012-11-30 03:33:10
@szvan: @MockTM The grief process is long and involved and…fuck it. Let’s fuck.
2012-11-30 03:33:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well. They tampered in Egyptian God of Evil’s domain.
2012-11-30 03:33:41

Mock The Movie: Sands Of Oblivion transcript
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