Mock The Movie: 2-Headed Shark Attack Transcript

This might be the first movie we’ve done that passes the Bechdel test. Yes, despite its obvious cheesecake premise, the presence of so many women in bikinis whose dialogs are organized to maximize the boobs-on-screen actually has a positive effect on that famous cinematic test where a film passes if two women have a dialog with each other without the presence of, or mention of, a man or male problems.

That’s maybe this film’s only redeeming quality. The two-headed shark can change size at will, hates bisexual threesomes, and is ultimately done in by a plan that depends on something arbitrarily happening differently the third time it happens. It’s still available on Netflix if you want to subject yourself to this nonsense. But if you’re just looking for bikini babes, just go find some pictures online — it’s more honest and less wasteful of anyone’s time.

Dr. Rubidium made this one again, yay two in a row! Stephanie Zvan had to drop out for lack of sleep, but PZ Myers pinch-hit for her. And it looks like CompulsoryAccount’s VLC plugin is almost ready to go. Which reminds me, I still haven’t posted the subtitles files for the last MtM. Geez, I’m slacking.

@szvan: *sigh* Can I stay awake that long? RT @MockTM: Om (Om) nom (nom), less than an hour to “2-Headed Shark Attack”!
2012-08-17 00:13:46
@lousycanuck: @szvan We need to see if we can get @pzmyers as a pinch hitter Mocker for @MockTM.
2012-08-17 00:15:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m eating a tuna sandwich to warm up. Are there rules or something?
2012-08-17 00:38:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM 9 eastern? 8pm Central?
2012-08-17 00:40:24
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers Yessir! 14 minutes! You start when we start, follow @MockTM, and tweet AT @MockTM for each snark.
2012-08-17 00:46:38
@lousycanuck: @petsnakereggie Yo! It’s @MockTM time almost! Going to make this one? Or shall I bother you in two more weeks? 😀
2012-08-17 00:47:35
@DrRubidium: #SharkWeek @MockTM!!! 2-Headed Shark Attack featuring Carmen Electra #4realz #Imrooting4theshark
2012-08-17 00:49:43
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck I forget, I have to start all my tweets with @MockTM, right?
2012-08-17 00:50:31
<a href=' New players, remember to tweet all your snark at @MockTM. The movie will be bad enough. Don’t make everyone who follows you follow it.
2012-08-17 00:52:41
@brx0: Ok, getting set up for a special Shark Week edition of @MockTM. “Two Headed Shark Attack”. Netflix has it, fwiw.
2012-08-17 00:56:42
@CarlieP: @MockTM Tip:be sure when you search for the tweets you change the default from “top” to “all”, or it appears no one is saying new things.
2012-08-17 00:58:12
@CarlieP: @MockTM I only say this for new followers because I kept getting that wrong last time.
2012-08-17 00:58:41
@brx0: @MockTM Aaaand go….
2012-08-17 00:59:23
@pzmyers: @MockTM 2-headed shark attack is GO. I repeat, GO.
2012-08-17 00:59:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And here we go!
2012-08-17 00:59:57
@gkygirlengineer: Is it eating her? Say yes! RT @DrRubidium: #SharkWeek @MockTM!!! 2-Headed Shark Attack featuring Carmen Electra #4realz #Imrooting4theshark
2012-08-17 01:00:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Those water skiiers are 2 X-TREEEEEEME
2012-08-17 01:00:19
@pzmyers: @MockTM Is everything going to happen in pairs in this movie?
2012-08-17 01:00:28
@brx0: @MockTM Sure enough, two headed shark. #Omnomnom
2012-08-17 01:00:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM We know from the first title that sanity will not be found here.
2012-08-17 01:00:35
@pzmyers: @MockTM Or is this a commercial for double-mint gum?
2012-08-17 01:00:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM AAH NOOO Netflix is buffering!!
2012-08-17 01:00:46
@brx0: @MockTM Do twentysomethings of the bro persuasion actually waterski these days?
2012-08-17 01:01:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM Snorf. Two done.
2012-08-17 01:01:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM Uh-oh, it’s the “this’ll be Failblogged” music!
2012-08-17 01:01:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s what happens if you ask a shark what it would do if it had a million dollars.
2012-08-17 01:01:30
@CarlieP: @MockTM Oh, that footage is going to be sick, all right.
2012-08-17 01:01:31
@pzmyers: @MockTM Already 1 minute into the movie, and 2 casualties.
2012-08-17 01:01:40
@CA7746: @MockTM No wreckage whatsoever.
2012-08-17 01:01:43
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oops, make that 5.
2012-08-17 01:01:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Must go faster!” </goldblum>
2012-08-17 01:01:53
@brx0: @MockTM That was some unconvincing gore. Anyway, after the movie title we meet an entirely different set of tasty twentysomethings.
2012-08-17 01:02:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, that’s the right response to your water skiiers getting eaten. “GO GO GO”. Like a hit and run.
2012-08-17 01:02:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM Meanwhile, in a swimming pool nearby…
2012-08-17 01:02:22
@pzmyers: @MockTM They got a bigger boat.
2012-08-17 01:02:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What the hell, Syfy? What if there are epileptic sharks in the audience!?
2012-08-17 01:02:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM Hmm, they’re sailing through the ocean of keyboard demo loops!
2012-08-17 01:02:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM OK, Carmen Electra…posing. Does she have any lines?
2012-08-17 01:02:57
@CA7746: @MockTM Colin Mallory slid into bikini earth!
2012-08-17 01:03:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM Beachballs: the daytime substitute for pillowfights
2012-08-17 01:03:16
@brx0: @MockTM Someone trying to explain how a sextant works. Pretty sure we’re establishing characters here.
2012-08-17 01:03:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM What, no jokes from the college kids about the “sex”tant? #disappointed
2012-08-17 01:03:38
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I’m already wishing the shark takes out the entire crew
2012-08-17 01:03:44
@pzmyers: @MockTM This is supposed to be a class? What?
2012-08-17 01:03:58
@CarlieP: @mocktm Why do they all have spray bottles? Is this some new vodka delivery system?
2012-08-17 01:04:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Yay, the dialogue’s gone!
2012-08-17 01:04:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM What? They’re not even *doing anything* with the bone-tant
2012-08-17 01:04:38
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, #MockTM’ers of academia: Are today’s college students really like this?
2012-08-17 01:04:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Aah, jump cuts!
2012-08-17 01:05:00
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Please. Please. Please. May the shark eat that douche working out on the boat FIRST
2012-08-17 01:05:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wow, way to be an enabler, teacher-dude
2012-08-17 01:05:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM Professor gives no instruction, tells students to “Just learn”. I’m going to have to try that in my classes.
2012-08-17 01:05:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nothing’s impossible, sir. Especially not two-headed monsters.”
2012-08-17 01:05:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM ::grooves out on the demo tracks::
2012-08-17 01:05:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Soundtrack by “Demo Tape”?
2012-08-17 01:06:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hey!” [said in tone of voice that she’s surprised her friend is on the boat]
2012-08-17 01:06:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM Er….
2012-08-17 01:06:35
@DrRubidium: @MockTM So, basically we’ve got the sexist Semester At Sea voyage EVER about to get eaten by a shark?
2012-08-17 01:06:38
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh my god. 6 minutes in, and it’s already passed the Bechdel test.
2012-08-17 01:06:44
@CA7746: @MockTM Subtitle guy’s the best character so far.
2012-08-17 01:06:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM “We should flip.” “That’s what SHE said.” “Actually, yes.”
2012-08-17 01:06:57
@CarlieP: @brx0 @MockTM You mean 35 year olds acting like they’re 20?
2012-08-17 01:06:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Yeah, I know how he gets about schedules, falls under that “better or worse” clause. It’s all worse. Truuust me.”
2012-08-17 01:07:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM If a movie with bikini-clad coeds can be said to pass the Bechdel test.
2012-08-17 01:07:09
@brx0: @MockTM Anothetext-decoration: none;’>2012-08-17 01:06:13
@brx0: @MockTM Another sextant sighting. And a “no cell phones” rule. This may be a key plot point later…
2012-08-17 01:07:28
@CarlieP: @pzmyers @MockTM that may be the most depressing thing I’ve read.
2012-08-17 01:07:36
@CarlieP: @blakestacey @MockTM I just got the flip – must be about 30 seconds behind.
2012-08-17 01:07:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM When does the jock get eaten? Soon I hope.
2012-08-17 01:08:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude gets good reception out in the middle of the ocean.
2012-08-17 01:08:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM Chekhov’s sextant, Chekhov’s cell phone, Chekhov’s pecs & biceps
2012-08-17 01:08:20
@brx0: @MockTM Already rooting for that Jersey Shore dude to get eaten.
2012-08-17 01:08:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @pzmyers Welcome to Mock The Movie, where we root for the monsters.
2012-08-17 01:08:31
@CarlieP: @MockTM “No cell phones” on a boat in the middle of the ocean. What could possibly go wrong?
2012-08-17 01:08:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM Yep, this kid is nicknamed “Wikipedia Brown”.
2012-08-17 01:08:50
@CA7746: @MockTM Thanks subby.
2012-08-17 01:08:56
@DrRubidium: @MockTM WTF. The one black woman on that motherfucking boat is a walking stereotype. Which mean she’ll be in the stop 5 to die
2012-08-17 01:09:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM What is making that slimy rotting dead shark stay on the bow of a moving boat?
2012-08-17 01:09:06
@CA7746: @MockTM Tomb raider comes to investigate.
2012-08-17 01:09:10
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Can this problem be solved by posing and preening?”
2012-08-17 01:09:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Resident nerd is here just to provide your requisite educational content. You can’t make a Syfy movie without it you know.
2012-08-17 01:09:36
@brx0: @MockTM I don’t think these crewmen are speaking an actual language that exists.
2012-08-17 01:09:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Chum! Chum! Chum!
2012-08-17 01:09:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, whatever problems they have will be because of this guy, is the message I’m getting.
2012-08-17 01:09:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait, he thinks he can hang on to a dead shark from a moving boat?
2012-08-17 01:09:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM CHUM!
2012-08-17 01:10:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “What is it doing up here?” It’s doing God’s work, my friend. God’s work. #eatingyou
2012-08-17 01:10:06
@CA7746: @MockTM *Wimper* Subby’s gonna die…
2012-08-17 01:10:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM Mega Chum!
2012-08-17 01:10:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Demonstrating the brilliance of that whole “don’t show the shark” strategy…
2012-08-17 01:10:28
2012-08-17 01:10:41
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that is going to be one PISSED OFF shark
2012-08-17 01:11:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What’s happening?” “Boobs.”
2012-08-17 01:11:06
@pzmyers: @MockTM Somehow, I don’t think the people who wrote this movie know anything about boats.
2012-08-17 01:11:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They have to be ordered to get the bilges going? Okay then.
2012-08-17 01:11:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM “US Education vessel”…. [snerk]
2012-08-17 01:11:27
@brx0: @MockTM Our poorly CGI’d monster shark just broke their only ship-to-shore antenna. Convenient, huh?
2012-08-17 01:11:33
@brx0: @MockTM “We’re not sinking, we’re taking on water, there’s a difference.” Eh?
2012-08-17 01:11:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Han and Tequila are working the bilges”?
2012-08-17 01:12:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dun da dun dun “OM” “NOM”
2012-08-17 01:12:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM How does a 2-headed shark even swim?
2012-08-17 01:12:27
@pzmyers: @MockTM Our two ethnic dudes are called “Han” and “Tequila”?
2012-08-17 01:12:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What about that thing right there?” “Is that a boat repair depot?”
2012-08-17 01:13:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM aaaa surprise crossfades
2012-08-17 01:13:24
@CarlieP: @MockTM Does she get extra credit for being the first to realize they’re sinking?
2012-08-17 01:13:31
@CarlieP: @MockTM “Estimate to me how long”? Who talks like that?
2012-08-17 01:13:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM That is the worst shark special effects I’ve seen since Deep Blue Sea
2012-08-17 01:13:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wait, did they get further away from the atoll during the crossfades?
2012-08-17 01:14:04
@pzmyers: @MockTM A pile of driftwood is civilization. They’ve been at sea too long.
2012-08-17 01:14:09
@brx0: @MockTM Montage of our students. So we know they’re all getting eaten soon.
2012-08-17 01:14:15
@DrRubidium: @MockTM how did any of these fools get the OK to be on the open sea?
2012-08-17 01:14:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh thank god, civilization” “It’s most likely abandoned.” “Superman will save us!” “Fictional.” “Santa Claus!” “Fake.” Dreamkiller.
2012-08-17 01:14:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s good that they’re pre-divided into groups
2012-08-17 01:14:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Hop on my dinghy!
2012-08-17 01:15:05
@CarlieP: @DrRubidium @MockTM Maybe it’s an online university.
2012-08-17 01:15:06
@brx0: @MockTM “What do we have here? A tidepool?” “No, it’s a hole.”
2012-08-17 01:15:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM Contrived excuse. They’re looking for scrap metal on an atoll to fix a boat? Right.
2012-08-17 01:15:18
@blakestacey: @MockTM “No, it’s more like a hole.”
2012-08-17 01:15:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM Disappointed. Students shuttled to island, no one gets eaten. Stupid shark.
2012-08-17 01:15:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh shit did I just see a big statue foot with six toes? #dharma
2012-08-17 01:15:51
@DrRubidium: @MockTM FUCK. You know it’s a bad sign when Carmen Electra’s character’s makes the most sense.
2012-08-17 01:15:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM This professor is a moron.
2012-08-17 01:16:27
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, a #TWSS shout out. Trendy!
2012-08-17 01:16:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM What’s with the globe lanterns?
2012-08-17 01:16:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Great start, guys!” Yeah, that’s right, congratulate them on finding a hole.
2012-08-17 01:16:43
@CarlieP: @MockTM A post hole? That would be a biiiig post.
2012-08-17 01:16:50
2012-08-17 01:17:01
@brx0: @MockTM “Relax everyone, it’s just the circle of life. Now c’mon, we’ve got to find some scrap metal.”
2012-08-17 01:17:01
@pzmyers: @MockTM He’s trying to keep them distracted. Aren’t the bobbling boobies everywhere distraction enough?
2012-08-17 01:17:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM YAY SQUID!
2012-08-17 01:17:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait. Dead squid. I has a sad.
2012-08-17 01:17:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Ummm… where did that black girl come from? Well, there can’t be two.
2012-08-17 01:17:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM There’ve been five “that’s what she said” moments in this movie, and they pick the stupidest. Seriously, “studying some dumb tool”?
2012-08-17 01:17:56
@CarlieP: @MockTM Nice how there are gravel paths through the deserted island for them.
2012-08-17 01:18:01
@brx0: @MockTM So they even CGI’d the underwater welding stuff. Cheeztastic!
2012-08-17 01:18:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s a very well maintained desert island.
2012-08-17 01:18:20
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Paul, you are too smart for your own good #sharkbait
2012-08-17 01:18:40
@brx0: @MockTM Meanwhile, cut to contractual Carmen Electra sunbathing montage.
2012-08-17 01:18:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM She’s certainly being helpful in a tense situation.
2012-08-17 01:18:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s a great teacher and a great captain.” No, you’re supposed to SHOW, not TELL. So far, we’ve no evidence of that.
2012-08-17 01:18:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM What are those two guys DOING with the bilge pumps?
2012-08-17 01:18:51
@DrRubidium: @MockTM CARMEN! This is a movie not a cover shoot for Maxim. Get your shit together!
2012-08-17 01:19:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Carmen, honey, can you pose awkwardly a bit more? The movie’s getting kinda dull.
2012-08-17 01:19:47
@pzmyers: @MockTM That’s how you weld? Wave a sparkly thing around?
2012-08-17 01:20:04
@CarlieP: @MockTM Wait, did Carmen Electra have a costume change?
2012-08-17 01:20:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM Well, that was a rather garish dismemberment. Death total: 6.
2012-08-17 01:20:45
@DrRubidium: @MockTM well, #SyFy is not spending its profits on special F/X
2012-08-17 01:20:48
@brx0: @MockTM Least surprising undersea-welder-eaten-by-two-headed-shark scene *ever*.
2012-08-17 01:20:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM Kind of the Hogwarts approach to welding
2012-08-17 01:20:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Models for all CG humans were provided by Mainframe Inc. circa 1990.
2012-08-17 01:21:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, come on. The set crew on this movie made no effort at all.
2012-08-17 01:21:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM HOLY SHIT IT’S THE SET OF SHE GODS OF SHARK REEF. They really let the place go.
2012-08-17 01:22:03
@pzmyers: @MockTM Please! Kill that stupid jock soon!
2012-08-17 01:22:23
@brx0: @MockTM I’m not sure this guy is a real professor. Not one of the knowing-stuff variety anyway.
2012-08-17 01:22:29
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Ummmm… duh! When you find an abandoned village you get the FUCK OUT
2012-08-17 01:22:33
@pzmyers: @MockTM Paul gives us an utterly pointless lecture on nautical terminology.
2012-08-17 01:22:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Spread out but stay in this area!”
2012-08-17 01:23:01
@CarlieP: @MockTM jeez, the Horshack know-it-all is even anoying me.
2012-08-17 01:23:22
@brx0: @MockTM Minor characters consider sneaking off to skinny dip on the remote far side of the island. #Omnomnom
2012-08-17 01:23:29
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Cole, I hope you get eaten by a shark. TWICE.
2012-08-17 01:23:30
@pzmyers: @MockTM Skinny dip? Surefire recipe for shark attack.
2012-08-17 01:24:26
@brx0: @MockTM And this one is freaked out by the ocean, saw a shark as a kid. Foreshadowing!
2012-08-17 01:24:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Memo to all: skinny dipping in an aquatic monster movie is the equivalent of “I’ll be right back” or “I’ll check the fuse box.”
2012-08-17 01:24:55
@pzmyers: @MockTM It keeps adding to its Bechdel score. This just isn’t right.
2012-08-17 01:25:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM These students are wearing a lot of makeup for a jungle paradise where they expect to swim.
2012-08-17 01:25:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM *Whew*! got the character moment out of the way
2012-08-17 01:26:06
@CarlieP: @MockTM If you have a phobia of the ocean, don’t take an ocean-based summer class, maybe?
2012-08-17 01:26:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @pzmyers No kidding… this is just strange. A movie predicated on bikinis and it’s got a better Bechdel than Hollywood.
2012-08-17 01:26:30
@brx0: @MockTM Soon, She Will Confront Her Fear Of Sharks. (I suspect.)
2012-08-17 01:26:35
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this movie ain’t doing Semester At Sea students any favors
2012-08-17 01:26:46
@CA7746: @MockTM That’s all the convincing we need.
2012-08-17 01:27:19
@pzmyers: @MockTM I don’t understand. They’re going skinny dipping because they forgot their bathing suits or something? They’re wearing them!
2012-08-17 01:27:42
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh. Not any more.
2012-08-17 01:27:51
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM @pzmyers High Bechdel does mean many chances for many boobs to be in the same camera shot, so maybe it does make sense.
2012-08-17 01:27:52
@brx0: @MockTM Cue the gratuitous nekkidness. #sharkbait
2012-08-17 01:27:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM when will people learn that the middle of a slaughter is NO time for a threesome?
2012-08-17 01:27:55
2012-08-17 01:26:30
@brx0: @MockTM Soon, She Will Confront Her Fear Of Sharks. (I suspect.)
2012-08-17 01:26:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s beautiful”? It’s a shallow swamp. Well, at least it’ll be hard for the shark to get you.
2012-08-17 01:28:02
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, I wasn’t expecting toplessness, but that’s still not technically skinny dipping.
2012-08-17 01:28:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM …it’s like the shark can sense nudity…
2012-08-17 01:28:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s a giant boat eating shark, but I bet it will glide right up in 4 ft deep water, no problem.
2012-08-17 01:28:45
@brx0: @MockTM Also this guy looks way too old to be a college student.
2012-08-17 01:28:51
@CarlieP: @MockTM OH, my. I guess this isn’t the tv version of this film, then.
2012-08-17 01:28:44
@pzmyers: @MockTM “My ampullae of lorenzini are tingling! There must be breasts nearby!”
2012-08-17 01:29:13
@pzmyers: @MockTM Lesbian make out scene? Why not just paint a big target on them?
2012-08-17 01:29:34
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is this more like what you had in mind?” “Exactly what I had in mind.” “Okay, but we’re not bi. Just lesbians.”
2012-08-17 01:29:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Bouncing is critical to the scene.
2012-08-17 01:29:57
@DrRubidium: @MockTM isn’t this shark massive? Just how the hell is it going to get to them?
2012-08-17 01:30:10
@pzmyers: @MockTM That shark growled. Make sno sense.
2012-08-17 01:30:10
@brx0: @MockTM More contractual Carmen Electra sunbathing. She’s not really helping, is she?
2012-08-17 01:30:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM How is the shark eating them? They’re just standing there getting gnawed on, or something?
2012-08-17 01:30:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How the fuck did that work? They started coughing up blood after being bitten on the legs? In 4 foot deep water.
2012-08-17 01:31:08
@CarlieP: @MockTM It bit their legs, but they’re coughing up blood?
2012-08-17 01:31:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, yeah: death total: 9.
2012-08-17 01:31:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, she’s tanning herself instead of being anywhere near the radio? ::sigh::
2012-08-17 01:31:21
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the shark is massive, yet didn’t get stuck in 3-4 feet of water?
2012-08-17 01:31:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Prediction: we will not see Carmen Electra’s breasts, because she’s too classy for that shit now.
2012-08-17 01:31:54
@brx0: @MockTM They don’t seem very concerned about who these boats belong to. That usually means #sharkbait.
2012-08-17 01:32:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM We also didn’t see its dorsal fin. Come on, it’s a shark movie, you gotta show the dorsal fin.
2012-08-17 01:32:07
@pzmyers: @MockTM If these huts belong to seasonal fishermen, why are their boats still here?
2012-08-17 01:32:50
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Lesson learned: Never, ever have group sex while in shallow,shark infested waters surrounding a deserted island
2012-08-17 01:32:59
@pzmyers: @MockTM Gun in the first act, must be fired by the third.
2012-08-17 01:33:11
@pzmyers: @MockTM She’s such a casual klepto.
2012-08-17 01:33:24
@CarlieP: @MockTM It’s like Goldilocks taking all the stuff without worrying where the bears are.
2012-08-17 01:33:47
2012-08-17 01:31:54
@brx0: @MockTM They don’t seem very concerned about who these boats belong to. That usually means #sharkbait.
2012-08-17 01:32:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That must be the gun the shark used to kill those two girls in the last scene!!!
2012-08-17 01:34:05
@brx0: @MockTM Sudden earthquake! The “professor” gets a minor flesh wound! And he’s selling it like a soccer player.
2012-08-17 01:35:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM Somebody hit the Enterprise. I haven’t seen such stupid flinging about since Star Trek.
2012-08-17 01:35:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM LAND SHARK!
2012-08-17 01:35:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh no, a compound fracture of the thing-pasted-onto-his-calf!!!
2012-08-17 01:35:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM That was a pathetic injury. Professor Charlie is a real weenie.
2012-08-17 01:35:57
@CarlieP: @MockTM Did they just call the prof. Dr. Babish, and then say they had to take him to Dr. Babish?
2012-08-17 01:36:10
2012-08-17 01:36:37
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, yeah. He’s Professor Babish, he’s married to Carmen Electra, who has been exercising her pair of brains back on the boat.
2012-08-17 01:37:00
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that was the best slap since Airplane!
2012-08-17 01:37:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM Han and Tequila finally notice that the welder has been underwater for an awfully long time. Safety isn’t a big concern on this boat
2012-08-17 01:37:44
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Sorry, is Carmen Electra the doctor? #4realz?
2012-08-17 01:37:52
@CA7746: @MockTM Magdugo is blood… so subby speaks Tagalog/Filipino.
2012-08-17 01:38:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM Carmen looks very concerned. She must be used to Babish’s pathetic act.
2012-08-17 01:38:18
@brx0: @MockTM Two more minor characters take off in a zodiac. One per head. #sharkbait
2012-08-17 01:38:25
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Something’s bobbing, right there!” “But all the boobs are on the boat or the island!”
2012-08-17 01:38:33
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, I think one of the foreign guys is Gerald Webb. I fucking love him!
2012-08-17 01:38:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that is a fucking bullshit injury. Put a fucking band-aid on it and let’s wrap it up!
2012-08-17 01:39:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM OK, Laura’s missing in a pool of blood, but Prof Babish just wants to cling to his calf and whine.
2012-08-17 01:39:11
@CarlieP: @pzmyers @MockTM So dual Babishes, one a professor doctor, one a medical doctor. Neither apparently qualified to take students out to sea.
2012-08-17 01:39:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s something bobbing right there.” More boobs, only this time severed?
2012-08-17 01:39:37
@pzmyers: @MockTM They’ve been zooming that zodiac along for some time. How far away when they spotted that hand?
2012-08-17 01:39:47
@pzmyers: @MockTM Death toll: 11.
2012-08-17 01:39:58
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Am I the only one disappointed that Cole is still alive?
2012-08-17 01:40:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, wait, premature: they’re still alive.
2012-08-17 01:40:09
@CarlieP: @MockTM I gotta hand it to you, that was some attack.
2012-08-17 01:40:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Swimming away from the shark will totally work. It overtook a speedboat in the first scene, guys.
2012-08-17 01:40:40
@DrRubidium: @MockTM This shark is fucking scary. It can be big, it can be small…
2012-08-17 01:40:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM Finally! Something to distract Prof Babish from his little scratch!
2012-08-17 01:41:03
@CarlieP: @MockTM Suddenly your leg injury doesn’t seem so bad, does it professor whiner?
2012-08-17 01:41:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @drrubidium It’s a Shark of Indefinite Size (SOIS)!
2012-08-17 01:41:27
@pzmyers: @MockTM How convenient! They need gas, they just found a gas can.
2012-08-17 01:41:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM No, don’t be fooled. Cole is just as big of a douche as you think he is.
2012-08-17 01:42:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We just found this gas can! And also a better boat. And acting training.”
2012-08-17 01:42:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM There can’t be much gas in that barrel, they way they’re flinging it around.
2012-08-17 01:42:36
@brx0: @MockTM Jersey dude and more minor characters take off in another small boat. Plus they’re mean. #sharkbait
2012-08-17 01:42:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Pump to your heart’s content” is another bloody That’s What She Said moment, and yet… nothing. SIIIIGH.
2012-08-17 01:42:58
@pzmyers: @MockTM Did they ever explain why they wanted to get those boats working, anyway?
2012-08-17 01:43:15
@brx0: @MockTM Oh look, the island’s sinking. That seems believable.
2012-08-17 01:43:24
@DrRubidium: @MockTM So. There’s a shark killing EVERYBODY in the water and y’all are desperate to get on the water is teeny boats.
2012-08-17 01:43:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM “The atoll! It’s sinking!” Right.
2012-08-17 01:44:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Island’s been around long enough to grow plant life, but now suddenly it’s falling apart.
2012-08-17 01:44:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM How did the kids on the atoll not notice the atoll sinking?
2012-08-17 01:44:14
@brx0: @MockTM Aaaand, motorboat race. Two boats, two shark heads. I’m noticing a theme here.
2012-08-17 01:44:31
@DrRubidium: @pzmyers @MockTM even they recognize that 2/3 of them deserve to die a horrible, horrible death
2012-08-17 01:44:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM Carmen is “emoting”. Sorta.
2012-08-17 01:44:44
@blakestacey: @MockTM Was that the same take of the “get out of the goddamn water” line?
<a href='!/blakestacey/status/2362773769154723ht.
2012-08-17 01:44:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM Was that the same take of the “get out of the goddamn water” line?
2012-08-17 01:44:51
@brx0: @MockTM Seriously, Carmen Electra is a doctor?
2012-08-17 01:45:04
@DrRubidium: @MockTM best advice so far “GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN WATER!”
2012-08-17 01:45:15
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Get outta the goddamn water!” Audience: “No, don’t! There’s a shark there that wants to be your friend!”
2012-08-17 01:45:30
@pzmyers: @MockTM Cole is a cheater. Eat him!
2012-08-17 01:45:38
@pzmyers: @MockTM Carmen is on a loop. I think they only paid for one take of “Get out of the goddamned water!”
2012-08-17 01:46:07
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that shark is a plastic toy from the local novelty shop. I know, it’s in my bathtub
2012-08-17 01:46:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM Situational awareness fail
2012-08-17 01:46:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey Yes. Yes it most certainly was.
2012-08-17 01:46:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Prediction: the boat with Brooke Hogan and the nerd survives.
2012-08-17 01:46:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM How far away did they park that goddamn boat? They’re doing like 20 knots in a speed boat, and still aren’t there.
2012-08-17 01:46:59
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, and of course the two headed shark can keep up.
2012-08-17 01:47:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Triple axle!
2012-08-17 01:47:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Wow. This move is making me root for Hulk Hogan’s daughter. Seriously. She’s the blond driving the boat.
2012-08-17 01:47:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM One guy is in the water. He’s black, so he’s doomed.
2012-08-17 01:47:54
@CarlieP: @MockTM Does the shark have one stomach or two? How many people can it eat before it gets full?
2012-08-17 01:48:31
@pzmyers: @MockTM NOW we see the dorsal fin.
2012-08-17 01:48:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The noise!” “Right, the electroreception!” Say wha?
2012-08-17 01:48:44
@brx0: @MockTM Now the dread two-headed shark is just playing with its food, it’s sooo not a fair fight.
2012-08-17 01:48:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM way too many brown people in this move, so you know they had to go
2012-08-17 01:49:07
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, the shark’s motivation is that it gets a double headache? Makes sense to me.
2012-08-17 01:49:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude, that was worth at least six hundred points if this was Tony Hawk Pro Shark Attack.
2012-08-17 01:49:34
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s chasing them because it has two heads?
2012-08-17 01:49:57
@brx0: @MockTM Looks like Jersey bro’s number is up, finally. #sharkbait
2012-08-17 01:50:01
@pzmyers: @MockTM Twice the electroception! We had to get some bad science.
2012-08-17 01:50:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Two…heads… are better than one!”
2012-08-17 01:50:28
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh yeah, death total 12.
2012-08-17 01:50:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM two heads…has twice as many teeth! Twice as many to eat Cole with.
2012-08-17 01:50:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, jumping into the water is almost certainly your best survival option, jock douche. Do that.
2012-08-17 01:50:50
@brx0: @MockTM Two more people in the water, conveniently one shark-head-width apart. #sharkbait
2012-08-17 01:51:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM He’s gotta catch his victims in pairs, because two heads, you know.
2012-08-17 01:51:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Know why you don’t see the shark? IT’S UNDER WATER.
2012-08-17 01:51:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Please stop. You’re making my eyes bounce too much.”
2012-08-17 01:52:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM 14 dead. Please eat Cole.
2012-08-17 01:52:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You can tell he’s a professor because he figured out, first out of all of them, that the kids “are not safe”.
2012-08-17 01:52:37
@CarlieP: @MockTM “The kids are not safe”, says professor obvious.
2012-08-17 01:52:50
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “The kids are not safe?” 40% of them are dead so “not safe” is an understatement
2012-08-17 01:52:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’re in shallow water now”? He just fucking ate a threesome in 4-foot-deep swamp!
2012-08-17 01:53:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM Huh? NOW he can’t get into shallow water? Only if he’s tantalized by lesbians, I guess.
2012-08-17 01:53:08
@brx0: @MockTM Now the “doctor” and the “professor” and the fake language guys come ashore…
2012-08-17 01:53:30
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Seriously, Kate is the only one I hope makes it outta this thing
2012-08-17 01:53:44
@CA7746: @MockTM Prof can walk now?
2012-08-17 01:54:09
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Boobies boobies boobies bad acting!
2012-08-17 01:54:12
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why are they coming ashore? Why would they get in a rubber dinghy with a 2 headed shark prowling? Why? Why? Why?
2012-08-17 01:54:19
@CA7746: @MockTM First head count of the field trip.
2012-08-17 01:54:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM Did they just abandon the boat altogether? TO go to an island that is sinking?
2012-08-17 01:54:53
@CarlieP: @MockTM Ms. Hogan’s earnestness is surprisingly kind of saving this movie.
2012-08-17 01:55:29
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Jerry O’Connell’s brother is all over Carmen Electra
2012-08-17 01:55:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM What is the POINT of a distress beacon you have to destroy your boat to activate? I mean, REALLY?
2012-08-17 01:55:56
@brx0: @MockTM So the ship has a distress signal that only activates by sinking the ship? I would call that a serious design fail.
2012-08-17 01:55:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CarlieP Yeah, actually, I’m surprised by how naturally she’s acting compared to the rest. And Professor Oblivious. Holy crap.
2012-08-17 01:56:02
@pzmyers: @MockTM Huh? A transponder that only works if you sink the ship?
2012-08-17 01:56:18
@CarlieP: @MockTM Please, someone complain about the “no cell phones” policy now.
2012-08-17 01:56:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM sorry, what? The last ditch effort to message for help involves destroying the ship?
2012-08-17 01:56:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What a lame-ass transponder that requires you sink the ship to send a signal.
2012-08-17 01:56:45
@brx0: @MockTM Electromagnetic fields! Sciencing!
2012-08-17 01:56:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM Charles Darwin explained the formation of coral atolls by subsidence of a volcanic island.
2012-08-17 01:57:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh don’t cry out to your god or he’ll send a Crocosaurus too.
2012-08-17 01:57:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM Only it’s supposed to happen over millions of years. Not overnight.
2012-08-17 01:57:41
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM “We can sink the ship, or sink the island… lets argue!”
2012-08-17 01:57:52
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this electromagnetic mumbo-jumbo conversation is making my head hurt. Where is my whiskey?
2012-08-17 01:58:07
@CA7746: @MockTM Uh-oh. Subby insulted a protagonist.
2012-08-17 01:58:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t lie about your dad, Brooke. We all know your dad’s a pro wrestler.
2012-08-17 01:58:42
@brx0: @MockTM Btw, the whole sinking island + monsters thing was done better in “Attack of the Crab Monsters”. #BMovieHipster
2012-08-17 01:58:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Send the stupid moron.” Which one? There are so many!
2012-08-17 01:58:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM That generator is putting out an impressive amount of CG.
2012-08-17 01:59:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Send the stupid moron” says Gerald Webb. See, that’s why I like the guy.
2012-08-17 01:59:52
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, our heroine and Jersey bro hop in a Zodiac. I bet this ends really well.
2012-08-17 01:59:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s very convenient that they even have a generator. It’s probably fueled by that magic can of gas they found, too.
2012-08-17 02:00:02
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Rumble rumble rumble… let curly hair afro guy explain stuff… slowly, so that Hulk Hogan’s kid can run/jiggle to the boat
2012-08-17 02:00:41
@pzmyers: @MockTM I get that she knows how to weld. But she’s been afraid of the ocean. Where did she learn to weld underwater? It’s a diff skill.
2012-08-17 02:00:55
@CarlieP: @MockTM I hope Brooke survives by throwing Cole to the shark(s).
2012-08-17 02:01:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM Paul’s last name is probably “Exposition.”
2012-08-17 02:01:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why is that generator not discharging all its electricity into the water and shorting itself out?
2012-08-17 02:01:27
@CA7746: @MockTM Thanks for stalling then.
2012-08-17 02:01:39
@DrRubidium: @MockTM thanks, Cole. Kate had no idea it was “crunch time”
2012-08-17 02:02:38
@CarlieP: @MockTM Oh, I meant Kate. Kate needs to throw Cole to the shark.
2012-08-17 02:02:41
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM Why is the biology completely nonsense?
2012-08-17 02:02:43
@brx0: @MockTM So, she hasn’t been in the ocean since age 12 and uh, dives right into undersea welding. Yeah, I’m sold.
2012-08-17 02:02:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM Brooke is afraid of water, she’s never been scuba diving, she’s never welded underwater, and she’s going to do it?
2012-08-17 02:02:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM Nooo! Not…Tequila?
2012-08-17 02:02:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Electrical effects provided by Microsoft Paint.
2012-08-17 02:03:21
@pzmyers: @MockTM Looking forward to magic sparkler waving to fix the boat. Shit, scuba and underwater welding is EASY!
2012-08-17 02:03:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Kate has an amazing skill set for somebody who totally doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing
2012-08-17 02:03:39
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @CarlieP Yeah, Kate = Brooke Hogan. Sorry for the confusion.
2012-08-17 02:03:49
@CA7746: @MockTM Subby? NOOOOoooooo!
2012-08-17 02:04:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Aaah, that generator bugs me so I’ll swim toward it then away then back toward randomly.”
2012-08-17 02:04:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM RUN! It’s going to eat the island!
2012-08-17 02:04:18
@brx0: @MockTM See, *this* is why you don’t stand right next to the dock — in pairs — when a two headed shark is about.
2012-08-17 02:04:24
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Brooke Hogan is like “I can do technical stuff because breast implants and famous father!”
2012-08-17 02:04:30
@DrRubidium: @MockTM what exactly is Kate welding? Wouldn’t she have to be welding something to the boat?
2012-08-17 02:04:49
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s always two in the water. Death toll: 16.
2012-08-17 02:04:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM sure, the non-English speakers have to die
2012-08-17 02:05:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Run” usually implies that you move further away than the next block of concrete over. You know, like AWAY from the monster.
2012-08-17 02:05:13
@CarlieP: @MockTM They set up bait to attract the shark, and then were surprised when the shark came.
2012-08-17 02:05:22
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM Ok, I’m clear now!
2012-08-17 02:05:37
@pzmyers: @MockTM Cole is such an asshole.
2012-08-17 02:05:59
@brx0: @MockTM Crazy how the island keeps sinking but always looks the same in the helicopter shots.
2012-08-17 02:06:09
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Never look back”, because the shark is right there.
2012-08-17 02:06:20
@DrRubidium: @MockTM seriously, why is Cole still alive?
2012-08-17 02:06:28
@CA7746: @MockTM Our plan to get rid of the jerk worked perfectly.
2012-08-17 02:06:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Welp, Douchebaggio just killed Kate and/or got the boat destroyed.
2012-08-17 02:06:45
@pzmyers: @MockTM How did Brooke get back so quickly? It took ten minutes for two racing speedboats to get there!
2012-08-17 02:07:03
@brx0: @MockTM Let me guess: The shark’s attracted to the engine, it sinks the ship, and triggers the distress thingy. I should write these things.
2012-08-17 02:07:05
@CarlieP: @MockTM Has Cole just abandoned her and everyone else??? Dude has to get thrown overboard to the shark soon.
2012-08-17 02:07:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What’s our plan?” “Uh, group sex on land?”
2012-08-17 02:07:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Kate’s alive because Hulk Hogan.
2012-08-17 02:07:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM Cole just looked back.
2012-08-17 02:07:20
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “That idiot is gonna die.” #notsoonenough
2012-08-17 02:07:22
@CA7746: @MockTM The Sea King is seenking.
2012-08-17 02:07:25
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Brooke Hogan does technical stuff and then ship sails away without her because… she can swim back to shore? I guess?
2012-08-17 02:07:35
@CarlieP: @brx0 @MockTM Sure, just give the twist away.
2012-08-17 02:08:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Actually, I’m thinking if Cole and the ship are destroyed, it’s probably BECAUSE the rest of the cast aren’t there.
2012-08-17 02:08:15
@pzmyers: @MockTM Important question, telegraphed a mile away. Where’s Cole’s cell phone?
2012-08-17 02:08:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the moment we’ve been waiting for is finally here. Cole is going to die.
2012-08-17 02:08:32
@brx0: @MockTM There are still wayyy too many of these annoying students. #sharkbait
2012-08-17 02:08:45
@quarksparrow: @MockTM FAIRNESS SHARKS.
2012-08-17 02:08:48
@pzmyers: @MockTM “There isn’t enough gas.” Have you forgotten your magic gas can, Prof. Babish?
2012-08-17 02:09:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh no, Cole turns out to be resourceful.
2012-08-17 02:09:06
@CA7746: @MockTM Time for protein.
2012-08-17 02:09:22
@brx0: @MockTM So much for Jersey bro, then. Just as his phone was ringing too. Ironic!
2012-08-17 02:09:40
@CarlieP: @quarksparrow @MockTM HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
2012-08-17 02:09:42
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait…it won’t be able to eat Cole, because he’s alone.
2012-08-17 02:09:46
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM We need a plan! What’s our plan? … I don’t know. The script sucks.
2012-08-17 02:09:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Cell phone! I called it!
2012-08-17 02:09:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Cole slaw.
2012-08-17 02:10:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So we need a plan. What’s our plan?” “Okay, everybody… start planting corn. We’ll turn it into ethanol.”
2012-08-17 02:10:20
@DrRubidium: @MockTM What carrier does Cole use? How is his cell phone still working?
2012-08-17 02:10:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM So, Chekhov’s gun has yet to be fired. And Chekhov’s spear has yet to be poked.
2012-08-17 02:10:25
@brx0: @MockTM They’re *mostly* stumbling the same way during this, um, earthquake. Wonder how many takes that took?
2012-08-17 02:10:32
@pzmyers: @MockTM Death toll: 17. Shouldn’t that shark be getting full by now?
2012-08-17 02:10:34
@CA7746: @MockTM Prof can run now?
<a href='!/CA7746/status/236283851742277632' style='colpzmyers: @MockTM Cell phone! I called it!
2012-08-17 02:09:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM Cole slaw.
2012-08-17 02:10:05
@CA7746: @MockTM Prof can run now?
2012-08-17 02:10:34
@CarlieP: @mocktm Was that tinkly music Cole’s phone rigning right before he got eaten?
2012-08-17 02:10:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude, the trees are sinking too.
2012-08-17 02:10:49
@brx0: @MockTM Not sure what good running does on a sinking *flat* island.
2012-08-17 02:11:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Pretend there is an earthquake. Stumble randomly.”
2012-08-17 02:11:16
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Stuff is rumbling, let’s rumble in the jungle!
2012-08-17 02:11:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Get away from the shore. Head for that dock!
2012-08-17 02:11:50
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why are Carmen & Charlie running the other way? Makes no sense.
2012-08-17 02:11:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Those gravel paths are all shaking quite considerably. The trees are completely unperturbed.
2012-08-17 02:12:17
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, I know, let’s the two of us stand on this here dock and talk about how safe we are. #sharkbait
2012-08-17 02:12:18
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Everyone runs faster when holding hands?
2012-08-17 02:12:20
@pzmyers: @MockTM What was that about shallow water again? Death toll: 19.
2012-08-17 02:12:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think we’re good.” Annnnd cue shark.
2012-08-17 02:12:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Candygram!”
2012-08-17 02:13:02
@brx0: @MockTM Sudden tsunami? Eh?
2012-08-17 02:13:06
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM…. except if you stop on a bridge and get eaten?
2012-08-17 02:13:10
@pzmyers: @MockTM Amazingly well maintained trails on that island.
2012-08-17 02:13:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Upside to having most of your students killed by a shark -> less work to grade #justsayin
2012-08-17 02:13:33
@pzmyers: @MockTM Tsunami now. Farewell kiss. Carmen & Charlie make 21 dead.
2012-08-17 02:13:54
2012-08-17 02:13:59
@blakestacey: @MockTM “The power of Christ compels you! … but not very effectively, I must admit.”
2012-08-17 02:14:18
@pzmyers: @MockTM Heh. Tidal wave…and then the kids just pop up in shallow, placid water.
2012-08-17 02:10:34
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM what the hell just happened?
2012-08-17 02:14:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM No, not the church. Religion never helped anyone!
2012-08-17 02:14:41
@CA7746: @MockTM Who’s there? No, don’t answer it.
2012-08-17 02:14:53
@DrRubidium: @MockTM yes, because wooden doors will totally work
2012-08-17 02:15:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Head for that church! Sharks HAVE to respect the call for sanctuary!!!
2012-08-17 02:15:05
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM hahahahahhahaha
2012-08-17 02:15:23
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM No, seriously… what the hell just happened?
2012-08-17 02:15:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Remember, a shark always knocks three times.
2012-08-17 02:15:48
@CarlieP: @MockTM *knock knock* candygram.
2012-08-17 02:15:51
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait. The water in there is knee deep. What was that about shallow water again?
2012-08-17 02:16:03
@DrRubidium: @MockTM now is time you remember you stole that gun!
2012-08-17 02:16:08
@pzmyers: @MockTM The gun! At last!
2012-08-17 02:16:15
@brx0: @MockTM So, hiding from the shark in a flooded church wasn’t an awesome idea, turns out.
2012-08-17 02:16:22
@pzmyers: @MockTM Well that was totally ineffectual and pointless.
2012-08-17 02:16:34
@pzmyers: @MockTM Heh. Tidal wave…and then the kids just pop up in shallow, placid water.
2012-08-17 02:14:19
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM what the hell just happened?
2012-08-17 02:14:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Are you fucking kidding me? A waterlogged six shooter ain’t gonna do shit.
2012-08-17 02:16:39
@CA7746: @MockTM Maybe it can’t swim backward.
2012-08-17 02:16:46
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, it’s the magic gas barrel, magically appearing!
2012-08-17 02:16:55
2012-08-17 02:17:03
@brx0: @MockTM “Hey, can you make this explode?”
2012-08-17 02:17:12
@CarlieP: @MockTM It is a land shark!
2012-08-17 02:17:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM Death toll: 25.
2012-08-17 02:17:17
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Hit that shark with a stick!!
2012-08-17 02:17:20
@drskyskull: Just got back from @rifftrax live “Manos”, and it was a blast! (Had to miss @MockTM again because of it.)
2012-08-17 02:17:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Beat it to death with that cross! It’ll be the first good thing that’s come of religion like ever!
2012-08-17 02:17:43
@CA7746: @MockTM You first.
2012-08-17 02:17:52
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “What are we going to do?” Get the fuck out of the water, that’s what!
2012-08-17 02:17:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM The magic gas can is back! “Still good”. It’s nearly empty and is floating open in the ocean.
2012-08-17 02:18:03
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM It is a good thing that 2-headed shark needs a breather, so they can plot idiot schemes against it!
2012-08-17 02:18:20
@pzmyers: @MockTM Paul fails. Gas doesn’t explode. And wait…soaking wet t-shirt for a fuse?
2012-08-17 02:18:31
@brx0: @MockTM And now the moment of Confronting Her Fear Of Sharks is at hand. Finally.
2012-08-17 02:18:54
@DrRubidium: @MockTM water logged lighter + water logged t-shirt + water logged gas can = really bad plan
2012-08-17 02:19:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM Notice that the two girls are arguing over who sacrifices herself. Paul just watches quietly. He is smart!
2012-08-17 02:19:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM Aha! One head will go crazy from the smell of blood and eat the other!
2012-08-17 02:19:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey listen. Water isn’t really flammable. Just saying.
2012-08-17 02:19:42
@CA7746: @MockTM How ’bout the same person lures AND lights?
2012-08-17 02:19:43
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Ummmm….
2012-08-17 02:19:53
@brx0: @MockTM And now the moment of Confronting Her Fear Of Sharks is at hand. Finally.
2012-08-17 02:18:54
@CarlieP: @MockTM We’re not ever going to find out why the shark has two heads, are we?
2012-08-17 02:20:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Fears don’t get over themselves.” I’m sure that sounded a lot more clever in copy.
2012-08-17 02:20:17
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Wet T-shirts are awesome fuses?
2012-08-17 02:20:18
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Fears don’t get over themselves?” Kate, you are so going to die
2012-08-17 02:20:20
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Sharks have two heads because Roger Corman!
2012-08-17 02:20:53
@brx0: @MockTM Also, real sharks don’t actually roar like bears, do they?
2012-08-17 02:20:56
@pzmyers: @MockTM “It won’t catch”. Duh.
2012-08-17 02:21:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM There’s it’s weakness! Get in between the two heads!
2012-08-17 02:21:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Light it!” “It’s kinda wet!”
2012-08-17 02:21:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM An explosion so good, we showed it twice!
2012-08-17 02:21:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hey, Kate’s doing a lot of damage. STAY IN ITS BLIND SPOT!
2012-08-17 02:21:42
@CarlieP: @MockTM Ah, Kate is the first to be smart enough to get between the two heads.
2012-08-17 02:21:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hey, you kids! Sure you don’t want to have a little rescue sex while we watch?”
2012-08-17 02:22:09
@CA7746: @MockTM They gave it gas
2012-08-17 02:22:17
@pzmyers: @MockTM Death toll: 26. And one shark head.
2012-08-17 02:22:37
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM They should have just let Hulk Hogan’s kid beat up the shark and skipped the gasoline crap.
2012-08-17 02:22:40
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Err, the whole barrel just submerged. Its fuse is screwed now. How combustible is blood? Because that’s the other option.
2012-08-17 02:22:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM Closing theme: “I feel the pain within.” Sums it up…not so bad actually.
2012-08-17 02:22:47
@CarlieP: @MockTM There’s still one good head left. And now it’s angry.
2012-08-17 02:23:19
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM Hey, magic boat!
2012-08-17 02:23:20
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Get in the damn boat!
2012-08-17 02:23:24
@brx0: @MockTM Ah, so you need *two* explosions, one per head. Got it.
2012-08-17 02:23:36
@pzmyers: @MockTM The shark has already eaten two boats in this movie. Why is one more going to make a difference?
2012-08-17 02:23:47
@brx0: @MockTM What, they even CGI’d the coast guard helicopter? Lame.
2012-08-17 02:24:06
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM I guess they didn’t need a boat after all?

Swim to the mainland!
2012-08-17 02:24:19
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Get out of the water. Jesus.
2012-08-17 02:24:22
@brx0: @MockTM Coming soon: “Cerberodon: 3 Headed Hellshark!”
2012-08-17 02:24:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It worked! The grossly improbable explosion from a destroyed boat plan worked!”
2012-08-17 02:24:41
@pzmyers: @MockTM Why didn’t the boat he ate in the first two minutes conveniently explode? It would have spared us an hour & 22 minutes of bad movie.
2012-08-17 02:24:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know, this movie had a few moments. I’m not quite decided about it. You could say I’m…IN TWO MINDS.
2012-08-17 02:24:49
@CarlieP: @pzmyers @MockTM Because this is the magic exploding boat.
2012-08-17 02:24:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM That’s it? It just ends?
2012-08-17 02:25:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well, that sure was a great boobs. I mean movie. I mean breasts.
2012-08-17 02:25:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Seriously, why did it take the Coast Guard so long? They were in Florida.
2012-08-17 02:25:22
@CA7746: @MockTM Testing: Can anybody read this tweet?
2012-08-17 02:25:22
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM… awwww… helicopter? So all the dead folks could have waited 20 minutes?
2012-08-17 02:25:49
@DrRubidium: @MockTM remember, sharks are only bitey ’cause they don’t have hands #sharkweek
2012-08-17 02:26:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Lesson for this movie: everything is harder to kill in pairs, except if you’re a woman with exposed boobs.
2012-08-17 02:26:35
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM My 14 year old and his friend staying over turned me down when I suggested them watching the movie. Heh.
2012-08-17 02:26:53
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck @MockTM Carmen Electra looks pretty good for 40-something?
2012-08-17 02:26:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM @pzmyers “The movie sucks. And then it’s over.”
2012-08-17 02:28:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Sync note. I glitched at around 25:00, then resumed at about the right timing.
2012-08-17 02:28:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @pzmyers Yeah, they just end. What denouement? This is Mock The Movie.
2012-08-17 02:28:35
@CarlieP: @MockTM Did she get over her fear of the water, or decide to live in Arizona for the rest of her life? We’ll never know.
2012-08-17 02:29:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM Exit music:
2012-08-17 02:30:10
@DrRubidium: @lousycanuck @MockTM @pzmyers this has to be one of the best worst shark movies I’ve ever seen. SyFy never (always) disappoints!
2012-08-17 02:30:32
@blakestacey: @MockTM You know what would have improved this movie? If the shark were a zombie, and Ving Rhames were on the boat.
2012-08-17 02:32:16
@CarlieP: @MockTM Next: Octopus with pirahna stuck on all its tentacles, also with second shark head. And lungs.
2012-08-17 02:33:08
@DrRubidium: #cosign RT @blakestacey @MockTM You know what would have improved this movie? If the shark were a zombie, and Ving Rhames were on the boat.
2012-08-17 02:33:32
@CA7746: @MockTM Seriously, can anybody see this tweet?
2012-08-17 02:33:33
@blakestacey: .@MockTM @pzmyers Sequel: the shark was… part HYDRA.
2012-08-17 02:36:09
@DrRubidium: I think we can all agree that our favorite character in our latest @MockTM was the two-headed shark #nomnomnom
2012-08-17 02:36:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wikipedia Brown and his busty sidekick will return in HYDRA-SHARK VS. CROCODACTYL.
2012-08-17 02:38:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @blakestacey Oh yeah, you know damn well Ving Fucking Rhames woulda killed that shark like an end boss.
2012-08-17 02:39:43
@CarlieP: @CA7746 @MockTM Yep
2012-08-17 02:40:07
@CA7746: @MockTM Can anybody see THIS tweet, but not the previous two?
2012-08-17 02:40:53
@ImprobableJoe: @MockTM @pzmyers I’m gonna feed my garbage to the 2-headed shark, and assume one head will eat it.
2012-08-17 02:41:09
@CA7746: @CarlieP @MockTM Thanks.
2012-08-17 02:41:41
@CarlieP: @ImprobableJoe @MockTM @pzmyers Put it in a gas barrel and apparently it will.
2012-08-17 02:42:05
@brx0: @MockTM So, that sextant from early on never really showed up again, did it?
2012-08-17 02:43:43

Mock The Movie: 2-Headed Shark Attack Transcript

15 thoughts on “Mock The Movie: 2-Headed Shark Attack Transcript

  1. 3

    Looks like identical messages were being printed independently to stdout and stderr, and they got redirected to the same file.

    At many of the repetitions, an original line gets truncated and resumed later. The second stream’s blocks were being spliced in.

  2. 6

    Shit, shit, shit. I just figured out what happened. I had two copies of the daemon running and didn’t realize it. One is STILL running, in fact. :/

    I’ll do some scrubbing and fix it ASAP…

  3. 7

    awk ‘!x[$0]++’ 2headedsharkattack.log > test.log

    That got rid of most of the dupes, except for the lines where they’re actually broken. Just have to go through looking for formatting and time anomalies by hand now.

  4. 10

    awk 'BEGIN{norm=1} {if (!x[$0]++) {norm=1;print} else {if (norm) print "!@!@!"; norm=0}}' 2headedsharkattack.log > test2.log
    That ought to print “!@!@!” where each duplicate block starts, dropping all dups that follow until unique lines appear again, for easy ctrl-f eyeballing.

  5. 11

    awk '{if (!x[$0]++) {norm=1;print} else {if (norm) print "!@!@!"; norm=0}}' 2headedsharkattack.log > test2.log

    * Trimmed silly redundancy. This is functionally identical to #10, so ignore if you’ve already run the above, or are too far into the roughly 57 corrections to do either.

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