Fairly standard in Polyamory 101-type guides is some sort of discussion about what reasons make for a good or a bad start to a non-monogamous relationship style. Such lists, written by experienced non-monogamists, often seem prudent to peruse, each item apparently self-evident in its validity.
Who could disagree that reluctantly engaging in multiple relationships because your partner wanted to when you weren’t really feeling it is a bad thing? After all, people should not do things they don’t want to do.
Who doesn’t agree with the idea that having an open relationship because your partner cannot fulfill all of your needs is a good thing? It sounds so much better to add more partners than to replace the one you have, if you love that person.
The problem with this sort of reasoning is that it represents a One True Path style of thinking that is relatively ironic given the relationship paradigms that non-monogamous folks claim to reject.
Continue reading “Are There Good & Bad Reasons for Non-Monogamy?”
For most people and most relationships, the mainstream monogamous relationship model fits and there is no need for them to question it overmuch. The mistake is not doing what works for you if monogamy is what that is, it’s assuming that mono-to-poly relationships are the only ones where the terms of the relationship change.
I’m not just saying this because I’m poly and tired of my relationship style being treated as the only one where painfully-common problems arise (though yes, I rather am, thank you). I’m also saying this because a lot of wholly-avoidable issues come up in relationships of all kinds when people don’t acknowledge those changes for what they are. Continue reading “Everything I Know About Monogamy, I Learned From Polyamory”
A born loner, bookworm, and nerd, I looked up “sex” at the library when I was nine years old rather than asked my peers about it. In the ensuing pre-teen and teenage years, I encountered all kinds of sex and love related things online (they were textual rather than visual, since I was only allowed to use our crappy dial-up for an hour a day and I feared getting caught with images or video). One of those things was the concept of non-monogamous relationships.
And so, before I had even had my first kiss, I was well-read and -versed on poly terms, concepts, and theory. There was one thing that all the poly websites, books, and podcasts didn’t quite prepare me for: how much more devastating a poly break-up can be to the dumpee’s self-esteem.
Continue reading “Polyamory: What No One Warned Me About”