From a Millenial: Well Actually, Chris Erksine

Jade Hawk is a certified bad-ass I am proud to call a friend. I got to know her through the comments on Skepchick and FtB, as well as in person at cons and via Facebook. She wrote a great response to that nonsense Chris Erksine post that made the rounds this weekend. Please note that he is not actually a Millenial, but we’re going to roll with his lie — I’m sorry, unfunny “joke” — in his article that he is a Snake Person. Enjoy!

Chris Erskine wrote a pledge-listicle to help the rest of his “fellow” millennials finally enter adulthood. Now, far be it for me to criticize a millennial so successful he managed to overcome such adversities as child-labor laws to get a major gig at the L.A. Times at the tender age of 9; but being a millennial I completely lack the ability to laugh at myself or to pick my battles, so I wrote my own pledge-listicle in response:

  • Well actually, we’re entitled to every single thing in the Declaration of Human Rights, enumerated in the many laws your generation is trying to kill off, and all the shit your generation promised in exchange for taking up the financial and psychological burden of finishing college.
  • Well actually, we will not give money to bigots and we will protest wherever they spew their bigotry under the guise of comedy.
  • Well actually, we will continue using digital devices during meals until meatspace people start providing as stimulating and as anxiety-free dinner conversation as the internet does.
  • Well actually, our sense of humor is already better than yours; for one, we are not the ones whining that people no longer find us funny.
  • Well actually, imposing that cultural and ableist norm on everyone is bullshit and maybe you should instead pledge to stop creepily staring at people and learn simple multitasking like talking to someone while looking at something else.
  • Well actually, we will not waste paper and stamp money to use an illegible writing style when a simple text will suffice.
  • Well actually, we’re already one of the most resourceful and creative generations [something Erskine himself admitted once], seeing as we have to use these skills to survive in the shitpile of a society you left us.
  • Well actually, smut is everything, especially since it makes conservative old people like you uncomfortable.
  • Well actually, it’s not this generation who has an odd aversion to learning people’s actual names instead of deadnaming, insisting people get “American” (read: anglophone) names, etc.
  • Well actually, it is quite beneath us to concede to the ridiculous demands of grumpy boomers who complain that our generation won’t take the harm you’ve done us quietly.
  • Well actually, we will take all the fucking liquor we want; it’s your generation’s fault many of us have to move back home in the first place, the least you can do is get us drunk for free.
  • Well actually, we will use crowd funding for everything your shitty exploitative economy won’t provide.
  • Well actually, we can manage our money better than you do, generation that wrecked the economy; how about you fuck right off about the amount of coffee we need to function in this clusterfuck you made?
  • Well actually, gift cards are the best kinds of gifts, right after cash and buys from Amazon wishlists; nobody fucking wants your incorrect guesswork.
  • Well actually, maybe you should learn how to text instead, and learn that face-to-face or voice convos are not in fact inherently better for everything, especially not things of life-changing significance.
  • Well actually, whenever you quote such tripe we will remind you that entertaining a thought and voicing it publicly are in fact separate things.
  • Well actually, I will not fuck up my mental health to conform to diurnal sleep-wake cycles for no fucking reason; besides, if we’re supposed to work and go to college and handwrite notes and not multitask and not crowdfund or use credit cards, there’s no fucking time to sleep anyway.
  • And cilantro is too a vegetable, except when it’s soap-flavored poison.
From a Millenial: Well Actually, Chris Erksine