Because it’s Christmas Eve, a lot of people are gearing up to see their families or already dealing with filial matters. As I live in the same area as most of it, I’m around my family a lot. I’ve only lived a little over a quarter century of life, but I’m pretty sure what happened when I was 18 takes the cake as far as worst and most embarrassing family incident ever.
I was reminded of it thanks to a post I came across today: My Super-Religious Mother Found My Vibrator And We Had to Talk About It.
Don’t let how mortifying my experience was deter you from sharing yours.It was 8 years ago or so, on a Southern California day as fine as most days here tend to be. I’d had a fairly uneventful day at university and came home a little earlier than usual since I had no evening plans.
I had barely entered my room when my parents said that they needed to talk to me. As this wasn’t very long after I’d come out as an apostate of Islam, I figured something was up
And how. My parents had found my old high school Jansport in my closet, which I affectionately referred to as “The Backpack o’ Sin.” Inside its zippered confines were hidden various items of which my folks would not approve. That day, it contained many things that my parents disapproved of: 4 bottles of Blue Moon, a 70’s style mini dress, various hosiery and lingerie items, a pair of super-tall yellow high heels (for stand-up sex with my 6’7 boyfriend), a few months’ worth of daily birth control pills, and assorted condoms.
The worst was none of those. It was the sex toys. Especially a very, ahem, imposing-looking one that Oprah had recommended in her magazine but that I hadn’t even enjoyed using (it left me numb).
My parents hadn’t even had a proper sex talk with me, and there I was, 18 years old, trying to deal with them trying to interrogate me about my sex toys through the mutual sense of intense awkwardness. They were worried that I was being forced to use the toy by my boyfriend. They were worried that I would end up pregnant or with an STI. They were worried that I’d given oral sex to him.
I pointed out that their worries presumed that I wasn’t at all into the sex. That went over about as well as you’d expect.
They had dragged me over to the local neighborhood park before they had started the chastising. After what felt like an eternity, they wrapped up the conversation by informing me that they had disposed of the backpack at some random industrial dumpster so that I wouldn’t be able to find it even if I wanted to. After we got home, I called my boyfriend. When I told him what had happened, he started to chuckle but then caught himself and apologized, saying that one day I would look back on it and laugh.
I am looking back now and laughing, but even back then, I burst out giggling.
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened with you and your family? Absurd and funny preferred but certainly not required.