Baby, It's Consensual Outside (Updated)

I’ve been seeing a lot of discussion in the last few days about the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Unsurprising, what with (a) it being the winter holiday season, and (b) there being a lot of discussion of rape culture lately. I don’t have a huge amount to add to the conversation, other than, “Yup, the song is troubling at best and rapey at worst,” and, “I don’t care that Lady Gaga and Joseph Gordon-Levitt reversed the gender roles — men deserve to have their sexual boundaries respected just as much as women, ignoring boundaries and treating it like a flirtatious game is fucked-up no matter what the genders are.” The main thing I want to say is this:

Have you heard the consensual version?

There’s a really cute, sweet, funny parody version of the song on YouTube by Chase Gregory, titled “Baby It’s Consensual Outside,” in which the guy respects the woman’s boundaries. I thought some of you might enjoy it.

I’ve transcribed the lyrics, for the deaf and hard of hearing:

by Chase Gregory

I really can’t stay
Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go ‘way
Remember, it’s cold outside
This evening has been
Thanks, baby, for stopping in
So very nice
Was wonderful, to be precise
My mother will start to worry
Oh, then you’d better hurry
My father will be pacing the floor
Let me walk you out to the door
So really, I’d better scurry
That’s okay, please don’t worry
Well, maybe just a half a drink more
Only if you’re really quite sure

The neighbors might think
Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink?
I’ll pay for your taxi fare
I wish I knew how
Your eyes are like starlight now
To break the spell
And here’s your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no sir
Say it, we’ll end up closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
It’s okay, I’ll take it in stride
I really can’t stay
Baby I’ll hold out
And it’s cold outside/and it’s cold outside

I simply must go
Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no
Oh good, I think that’s your ride
This welcome has been
I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm
Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious
Don’t want to seem malicious
My brother will be there at the door
Waiting for the girl I adore
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious
Man, this feels repetitious
Well, maybe just a half a drink more
Say “when,” so I know what to pour

I’ve got to go home
Baby, don’t freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb
It’s up to your knees out there
You’ve really been grand
I totally understand
But don’t you see
I know it isn’t up to me
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
Here’s some gloves you can borrow
At least there will be plenty implied
It’s not really mine to decide
I really can’t stay
I trust you, there’s no doubt [may be mangling the transcription of this line a bit – GC]
And it’s cold outside/and it’s cold outside


UPDATE: In response to the commonly-voiced objection that the woman in the song doesn’t really mean No, that she wants to say Yes but is worried about social disapproval (voiced here in these comments as well as many other places), I have this to say:

1: When women want to say say No (or indeed are saying No and not having it accepted), they often place the blame on others. We’ve been socialized to think that saying No to what other people want is rude and mean and selfish — so we place the blame for the No on others, “I’d love to stay at the party, but I have work tomorrow.” Etc. As A. Noyd said @ #7, “If a guy is pressuring a woman for sex/companionship and she doesn’t want to stay with him, she often has to bring up other reasons, such as disapproval from family members making her life difficult, when her wishes alone aren’t being listened to.”

2: It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what the reasons for her objections are. No means no. If she were saying No because she thinks sex will make her nose turn blue or that space aliens will invade if she says Yes — she’s still saying No. Over and over and over again.

3a: Yes, there probably are some women — and some men — who say No as part of a flirtatious game, to get their pursuers to pursue them. That is also part of rape culture. The idea that you really know someone wants you when they ignore your boundaries and keep pushing past your objections… this is also part of rape culture. (It’s also really sex-negative, reinforcing the idea that it’s bad and wrong to enthusiastically say Yes to sex when you want it.) I don’t like it when pop culture encourages, celebrates, and reinforces this idea.

3b: When pop culture reinforces the idea that ignoring boundaries is part of a flirtatious game, it doesn’t just encourage the recipients of attention to say No when they really mean Yes, and to think that if someone takes No for an answer it means they really don’t like them. It encourages pursuers to think that No means Yes, or that it means Maybe, or that it means “I want you to keep trying.” And that makes them more likely to push past someone else’s boundaries.

Baby, It's Consensual Outside (Updated)

The Buffalo Game

I’m going to be at Skepticon for the next few days, and I know from experience that I pretty much never blog during a conference. So let’s play a game! Let’s play the Buffalo Game.

The Buffalo Game is simple: You replace one (or sometimes more than one) word or name in a band name with the word “Buffalo,” to comic effect.

The genesis of the Buffalo game: We were at a concert at the Fillmore, which is plastered with classic poster art from old Fillmore shows. Someone noticed posters for Buffalo Springfield and Buffalo Tom, and asked, “Why do so many band names have the word ‘Buffalo’ in them?” When pressed to give more examples, they (I don’t remember who) said, “You know… um… the Rolling Buffaloes.” And it went from there.

Some of my favorites, to get the ball rolling: Sonic Buffalo. Public Buffalo. 10,000 Buffaloes. The Backstreet Buffaloes. Daft Buffalo. Rage Against the Buffalo. Buffalo (Not Buffalo). Buffalo Wuffalo Wuffalo. In some cases, you have to decide which word to replace. Is it Death Buffalo for Cutie, or Death Cab for Buffalo?


(This has nothing to do with the topic of the post, but I’m going to keep mentioning it in every post I write for a little while: The news from the Philippines in the wake of Haiyan is getting worse and worse. The death toll is rising, and thousands are without shelter, food and medicine. The Foundation Beyond Belief’s Crisis Response is supporting the relief and recovery efforts of Citizens’ Disaster Response Center. Please help if you can. Even small amounts add up.)

The Buffalo Game

Saturday Night's Alright For Biting

My brain does weird things sometimes. When I’m engaged in a project, it will often find itself an irrelevant little side project — often musically-themed — and get very fixated on it. A list of songs that can be sung to the tune of “The Yellow Rose of Texas”; a list of songs in which the word “heart” can be replaced with the word “head” to comic effect; a cat-themed song parody. And the more important the main project is, and the more deeply immersed I am in it, the more obsessively fixated my brain gets on the side project.

Thus far, during the writing of “Coming Out Atheist: How to Do It, How to Help Each Other, and Why,” I have written two — not one, but two — cat-themed song parodies. I’ve already posted the lyrics to “Love Me, Love Me, Love Me — I’m A Kittycat!” Today, in honor of Comet, I bring you Saturday Night’s Alright For Biting. To the tune of Elton John’s Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting. (If you need an explanation of what Comet is like for context, you can find it in Hell’s Kitten: Learning to Love Our Play-Aggressive Cat. And yes, the cats eat venison. Special novel-protein diet.)

Saturday Night’s Alright For Biting

Comet yawning with teeth
It’s getting late and my teeth can’t wait
Mom, bring my favorite chew toy here
It’s eleven o’clock and I wanna rock
Gonna bite your ankles and your ears

My mama Ingrid’s nose and my mama Greta’s toes
Are begging to be chewed on here
My sister looks cute in her little white boots
And lots of my spit in her fur

Now give me some of your cheese and yogurt
I’ve had it with your venison
‘Cause Saturday night’s alright for biting
Get a little chomping in

Gonna do some dangling with my dangle toys
Gonna chase a beam of light
‘Cause Saturday night’s the night I bite
Saturday night’s alright to bite
To bite
Meow, meow, meow, meow

Comet and Talisker on swivel chair
Well, my sisters look like they wanna play tonight
I’m looking for a kitty who will tussle and fight
I can chase them down the hallway in a wild stampede
I can leap up in the air and then I’ll claw your knees

A couple of the things that I like to bite
Are shoelaces and fingers and a bug in flight
I’m a juvenile delinquent of the feline class
And if it’s full of water I’ll knock over your glass


Saturday, Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday, Saturday night I’ll bite

Saturday Night's Alright For Biting

So Love Me, Love Me, Love Me — I'm A Kittycat!

So we were crooning to our cats the other day, as is our wont, and the line, “So love me, love me, love me — I’m a kittycat!” jumped into my head. At which point, of course, I couldn’t rest until the whole song was written.

So here it is. To the tune of Phil Ochs’ “Love Me, I’m A Liberal.” And don’t worry, this didn’t cut into book writing time — I wrote it in the shower.

I jump to the top of the mantle
And then try to climb even higher,
I jump to the top of the stovetop
“Cuz cat hair won’t burn in a fire,
But it wasn’t me stealing your butter
Whoever said that is a liar,
So love me, love me, love me — I’m a kittycat!

Houdini staring
I hide in the springs of the sofa
And oftentimes under the bed,
That noise could have been a coyote,
Or demons, or Erik the Red,
But I think you’ve forgotten my dinner
So I’ll walk up and down on your head,
So love me, love me, love me — I’m a kittycat!

Talisker looking smug
I’ll plonk on your lap when I want to,
Demand that you sit there and stay,
I’ll act like I want to be petted
Then fidget and wander away,
But I have such cute whiskers and muzzle
So worship me all night and day,
And love me, love me, love me — I’m a kittycat!

Oh, for those of you who don’t know the original tune that this goes to: Here’s the original by Phil Ochs:

And here’s the updated version by Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon:

But my kittycat one definitely has the deepest social commentary. Very relevant to the burning issues of today.

So Love Me, Love Me, Love Me — I'm A Kittycat!

Blogathon for SSA Week: My Atheist Music Mix

SSA week Page Banner

This post continues my leg of the Blogathon for SSA Week… now! From now until 9pm PDT, I will write one new blog post every hour. Plus, for every $100 raised during that time, I will post one new picture of our cats! And all donations will be matched by SSA Supporters Jeff Hawkins and Janet Strauss — so whatever you donate, it will be doubled!

As of 1:01 PDT: 431 Donors, $69,948.02
As of 2:01 PDT: 433 Donors, $70,118.02

I put together an atheist/ humanist/ skeptical/ irreligious mix CD a little while back, and thought I’d share it with all y’all. Songs being listed here is no indication that the singer or songwriter is an atheist. Links to YouTube videos when available.

The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing, The Persuasions (covering Frank Zappa)
In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, Neutral Milk Hotel
Into My Arms, Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam, The Vaselines
Marshmallows and a Holy Bible, Circus Contraption
Science Is Real, They Might Be Giants
Superstition, Stevie Wonder
Hard To Be, David Bazan
Dear God, XTC
God, John Lennon
And When I Die, Laura Nyro
It Ain’t Necessarily So, Aretha Franklin
Are You Ready, Freakwater (live version — couldn’t find the studio version on YouTube)
Jesus Loves Me (But He Can’t Stand You), Austin Lounge Lizards (weird irrelevant fan video)
All Things Dull And Ugly, Monty Python
Part Man, Part Monkey, Bruce Springsteen
Stealing, Tackhead
When I’m Gone, Phil Ochs
Heaven, Talking Heads
By & By, Chumbawamba
What a Wonderful World, Joey Ramone

By the way, I’m getting it on the record now: I want “By & By” played at my funeral.

What are your favorite atheist/ humanist/ skeptical/ irreligious songs?

If you like this post — or indeed, if you don’t — please donate to the Secular Student Alliance!

Blogathon for SSA Week: My Atheist Music Mix

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fish-men

It’s beginning to look a lot like fish-men
Everywhere I go;
From the minute I got to town
And started to look around
I thought these ill-bred people’s gill-slits showed…

I still think that Christmas Rhapsody is the best Christmas song parody ever. But this is a damn close second. My only problem is that I find myself humming or whistling it jauntily, and people think I’m whistling the Christmas song, and they have no idea that what I’m humming to myself is, “As I try to escape in fright/ To the moonlit Innsmouth night/ I can hear some more.”

Courtesy of the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society. Enjoy!

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fish-men

Christmas Rhapsody – My Favorite Christmas Parody Song Evar

queen bohemian rhapsody
Is this the Yuletide?
It’s such a mystery
Will I be denied
Or will there be gifts for me?

Come down the stairs
Look under the tree and see…

And it’s time, once again, for my annual plug for my candidate for the Best Christmas Song Parody Evar: Christmas Rhapsody, Pledge Drive’s Christmas-themed parody of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” written by my friend Tim Walters and his friend Steve Rosenthal.

Alas, there’s no video. Which is a shame, since I think this thing has potential to go seriously viral some year if there were a good video to go with it. Interested videographers should contact Tim through his Website. In the meantime — enjoy the song!

And if you like that, Tim has even more holiday music on his site. My fave: Down in the Forest, described as “A dark and slightly confused Yuletide nightmare. It has something to do with the Fisher King. Maybe.” Have fun!

Christmas Rhapsody – My Favorite Christmas Parody Song Evar

Everyone Knows It's Comet!

It’s cat-themed song parody time! Sung to the tune of “Windy.” For those who aren’t familiar with the Legend of Comet, here’s a bit of context to help you understand this particular cat.

Comet on fridge
Who’s peeking out from under a shoebox
Leaping and twisting high in the air?
Who’s bending down to pilfer my yogurt?
Everyone knows it’s Comet!

Who’s tripping down the sofas and bookshelves
Leaping at everybody she sees?
Who’s reaching out to capture a shoelace?
Everyone knows it’s Comet!

And Comet has stormy eyes
That flash when she claws my thighs
And Comet has teeth to bite
Upon my toes
Upon my toes…

Who wakes us up at six in the morning
Poking my face and biting my nose?
Who snuggles up, then nips at your finger?
Everyone knows it’s Comet!

Who’s chowing down on all the phone chargers
Tussling with every kitty she sees?
Who’s reaching out to dig in the laundry?
Everyone knows it’s Comet!

Other posts on this theme:
The Comet Song: Theme from “Cat Over the Fridge Up High,” by ReasJack

Everyone Knows It's Comet!

Camp Quest Fundraising Contest Ends Soon — Last Chance for My Singing Pledge!

The deadline for the Camp Quest fundraising contest ends September 3! So I’m re-posting this piece — to remind you that the contest is still happening, and my singing pledge is still on. Remember: the more money Team Awesome wins by, the more songs I’ll sing!

Raise money for Camp Quest — the kids’ camp for children of atheists, freethinkers, humanists, and other non-supernaturalists — and watch me make a singing fool of myself! Plus there’s a matching offer on the table from the Stiefel Freethought Foundation — so all your donations, up to $50,000, will be automatically doubled!

Last year, about eighty zillion bloggers teamed up against PZ Myers in an epic battle between good and evil, to be determined by who could raise the most money for Camp Quest. PZ was crushed by the Army of Awesome — and this year, he seeks revenge! So we’re doing it all over again. (This year’s Army of Awesome includes me, Hemant Mehta of Friendly Atheist, Jen McCreight of Blag Hag, JT Eberhard of WWJTD, Adam Lee of Daylight Atheism, Sikivu Hutchinson of Black Skeptics, Matt Dillahunty of The Atheist Experience, Cuttlefish of Digital Cuttlefish, C. L. Hanson of Letters from A Broad, The Chaplain of An Apostate’s Chapel, Phil Ferguson of Skeptic Money, and Dale McGowan of The Meming of Life.)

Now. You may remember that, in last year’s fundraising contest, several members of both teams made assorted wild promises about ways that we would make public spectacles of ourselves if our team won. Team Awesome prevailed, as the good and the righteous always do… so as a result, Jen McCreight learned to ride a bike on camera, JT Eberhard shaved his head and waxed his legs, Adam Lee grew a beard, Matt Dillahunty did an episode of The Atheist Experience in drag.

And I did karaoke. For the first time.

I’m not going to do that again. (Shudder.) However.

I was completely inspired by Crommunist’s songfest in the Secular Student Alliance blogathon. For every $10 donated to the SSA during his round of the Blogathon, Ian recorded a song requested by the donator — and wound up performing a total of 22 songs. (What can I say? Guy is hardcore.)

Now, of course, Ian can actually sing, which puts the whole thing into a different perspective. I can only sing okay. But I was inspired… and when I was thinking what wild promise I could make for this year’s Camp Quest Fundraising Battle to the Near-Death, I decided, “What the fuck.” (Also, I would like a second shot at this, and would like y’all to know that I can actually sing okay when I’m not singing through a shitty microphone in a noisy bar at the tail end of a weekend-long conference when my voice is shot.)

So I hereby make this pledge to you.

If Team Re-Defeat PZ — a.k.a, Team Awesome — wins the Camp Quest Fundraising Contest, I will sing, and video it, and post the video on this blog.

I’m not going to do karaoke again. Fuck that noise. But I will sing, on video, a capella, in the privacy of my own home. And I will post the video to this blog.

And I’ll go further than that. Continue reading “Camp Quest Fundraising Contest Ends Soon — Last Chance for My Singing Pledge!”

Camp Quest Fundraising Contest Ends Soon — Last Chance for My Singing Pledge!

The Comet Song: Theme from “Cat Over the Fridge Up High,” by ReasJack

Comet on fridge
Ever since we got Comet, Ingrid and I have been trying to write a song for her, to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March. Otherwise known as the tune from “Bridge Over the River Kwai.” Otherwise known as the “Comet, it makes your teeth turn green” song, beloved by children across this great nation.

Now we have one! It was posted in a comment by ReasJack, in response to my latest Catster piece about Comet, Hell’s Kitten: Learning to Love Our Play-Aggressive Cat. And it’s beautifully done. The art of the song parody is a delicate one, and many people don’t get it quite right — but this one rhymes, and scans, and has all sorts of inventive little bits. We love it. Thanks!

Here, by ReasJack, is Theme from “Cat Over the Fridge Up High.”

She’ll bite like a machine
Your feet she’s in between
Your stuff she’ll glom it
She’ll chow down on it
And vomit todaaay
badum badum
She needs some more play time
She thinks “That LEG IS MINE!”
She’ll jump upon it
So play with Comet
Get on it

The Comet Song: Theme from “Cat Over the Fridge Up High,” by ReasJack