The Irresistible Woman

Inspired by this Facebook posting:

“How a Woman Becomes Irresistible To a Man… She chooses to set high standards for herself. She’s clear on what she wants. She knows the value of friendship before sex. She comes from a place of gratitude (not expectations). She is confident and willing to ask a man out on a date because she knows a relationship is a two way street. She demonstrates trust and respect by accepting him for who he is. She’s in no hurry to get to the destination. She can take of herself, she doesn’t need a man. She shows up interesting and interested. She comes from a place of compassion (not entitlement). Lastly, she knows how to inspire a man, because she leads by example. Did I miss anything?”
– Jonathon Aslay, dating coach

And much more importantly: Inspired by the comment thread on this Facebook posting. It’s one of the most genius things I’ve read in a while: it’s a near-perfect blend of wild inventiveness, scathing mockery, and bitter, white-hot rage, mostly written in the horror genre. Scroll down a bit: you’ll know when you’ve gotten to the good parts. Here are my contributions.


The irresistible woman reaches into your muscles, the marrow of your bones, the nuclei of the cells of your neurons. She will force you to desire her. She will rearrange the core of your being, the esse of your non-existent soul, to transform you into a being who desires her, urgently, utterly, desperately. You will desire her, but you will never have her. When she departs, the core of your being will howl for eternity at the loss. You will never feel another love, another desire, that touches you as ferociously or as purely as this loss.


The irresistible woman has transformed her skin into a superconductive ceramic shell. The cold, the cold, you touch her skin and the cold feels like burning, like acid, like inconsolable grief. Her skin burns off your fingerprints. You are no longer yourself, you will never again be yourself. You can recognize the other men who have touched her, by the smooth scarring on their fingers, their faces, their hearts.

You do not leave a mark on her. None of you has ever left a mark on her. None of you ever will.

The irresistible woman has transformed her skin into a superconductive ceramic shell. The transformation on the cellular level was torture; her screams were the cries of the phoenix, the newly-born spider devouring the body of its mother, the Christ hanging himself on the cross and crying out in despair, “Why have I forsaken myself?” When it was over at last, she was left with one small piece of her human skin, her own index fingertip, set in a locket. She is saving it for her daughter.


“The irresistible woman is clear on what she wants, but has no expectations and accepts men as they are. She has high standards, but has no sense of entitlement. She has no need for a man, but cares deeply about being irresistible to them.”

The irresistible woman hears the contradictions, and laughs — a harpy shriek she immediately muffles into her elbow, for fear of giving the ending away. They think the contradictions will baffle her, frighten her, weaken her, send her into despair. They have no idea.

The irresistible woman takes the stage, strips, scratches her face with her perfect nails. She writes the contradictions on parchment in her blood, wraps it around her naked body like a shroud. The parchment twists at her command, and she twists along with it, her body bending, stretching, contorting into a Moebius strip, slicing itself into twisted loops that interlock. Her audience looks on: entertained, then captivated, then gradually paralyzed as the realization sinks in.

The command she spoke to the parchment was spoken at the same time to their brains. Their neurons, axons, dendrites, have twisted inside their skulls. It happened bit by bit, like the heat under a pot of water gradually boiling the live frog. The knots inside their brains are bleeding.

They had no idea.

She unwraps her body with a snap, eases out of the parchment. She knows her way out. She slips into a terrycloth bathrobe stolen from a hotel. She exits through the gift shop.

Comforting Thoughts book cover oblong 100 JPG
Coming Out Atheist
why are you atheists so angry
Greta Christina is author of four books: Comforting Thoughts About Death That Have Nothing to Do with God, Coming Out Atheist: How to Do It, How to Help Each Other, and Why, Why Are You Atheists So Angry? 99 Things That Piss Off the Godless, and Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More.

The Irresistible Woman

11 thoughts on “The Irresistible Woman

  1. 3

    This is great. I read it early this morning probably shortly after you posted it. I’m in IL at the moment. I wanted to comment then but I can’t on your Facebook page. I was practically hysterical. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an excellent reply to such schlock.

  2. 4

    I wanted to comment then but I can’t on your Facebook page.

    sceptinurse @ #3: If you want to comment on my Facebook page, send me a FB message letting me know. I’ll friend you, and then you can comment. Thanks!

  3. 5

    Holy Shit!

    Did you look at Jonathon Aslay (‘coach’) FB page? 13 women arrayed around ‘coach’ and his shiny teeth.

    The ‘irresistible woman’ saves a buck on professional advice.

    The ‘irresistible woman’ takes actions which might actually cause resistance.

    The ‘irresistible woman’ has a life, and isn’t worried about being resisted unless she isn’t getting something she actually wants.

  4. 8

    Some of those are amazing, I especially like the super-conductive ceramic shell.

    My Contribution:
    The irresistible woman weaves her will into the tangled threads of the weak-minded man’s thoughts. Subtle suggestions snake their way into his unconscious mind, her words infiltrate his body and escape via his lips. She smiles with a glint of accomplishment in her eyes as, with a wave of his hand, he allows her to pass. She’s long gone by the time the cloud that had descended on his mind lifts and he realises that those were the droids he was looking… wait never mind, that’s Jedi, not women, I always get the two mixed up.

  5. 9

    Those responses are brilliant, eloquent, and hilarious– it made my friggin’ day. After reading those, I REALLY can’t wait for you to write that novel!

  6. 10

    Thank you for sharing that…I don’t even know what to call it. You are sure right about “the good parts.” Tears and laughter here. Love all of those women for their posts. You too. Brilliant response to blather.

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