Comic Book Secrets Revealed! Terrible News!

OMG, they’re killing Batman! However will I cope?

Apparently, in the comic books, Batman is…

dead.

Bruce Wayne — who by night is Batman — gets murdered by a man claiming to be the father he thought was dead.

In a highly controversial new comic book storyline, Bruce, who first appeared in 1939, is killed by Simon Hurt — the leader of the shady Black Glove organization.

Now, my first response to this was, “Oh, for fuck’s sake. It’s been DONE.”

The Stranger, my wonderful hometown newspaper, expressed my sentiments much better:

Oh my God. This is terrible. How could they kill Batman. Oh my God. There has never been anything like this in comic book history. They’ve raped my childhood. I must buy multiple copies of that issue because it is sure to be a collector’s item. Etc. Etc.

Nailed it.

I love comics, and I usually love the DC universe, but for fuck’s sake, this is beyond lame. It just screams desperate execs trying to figure out a way to get gullible fans to freak out and buy more issues. The problem is, I don’t think there’s enough gullible fans left after that “Death of Superman” debacle. Seemed like everybody jumped on the “kill a major character” bandwagon after that, and it’s lost its novelty. Yet here they are, trying to make a tired old idea seem fresh and new, trying to hit people with a trainload of emotion rather than engaging them with truly creative and useful ideas…

Hey.

waitaminute.

I know where this is coming from. They’ve been talking to Andrew Breitbart, haven’t they?

Comic Book Secrets Revealed! Terrible News!
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Yet Another Reason to Vote for Obama

Aside from his policy, leadership qualities, intelligence, caring, and other excellent things too numerous to list, he actually used Batman to hammer McCain in a political speech:

“It’s like Robin getting mad at Batman,” he says of McCain’s recent efforts to distance himself from Bush.

McCain as Bush’s sidekick. Masterful. I adore this man.

On the relative enthusiasm front, Obama and McCain were both campaigning in Albuquerque today, which gives us an unprecedented chance to compare respective crowd sizes. Obama outdrew McCain (if I have my ratios right) 45:1.

That’s right.

45,000 people showed up to see Obama. 1,000 came out for McCain.

No. Fucking. Comparison.

(Disclaimer: to all of you comic book geeks who might be inclined to dig deep within the Batman mythology and find instances where Robin showed independence from Batman, got mad at him, etc., stop. Just stop. Take a moment to appreciate the fact that the majority of the American public only sees Robin as Batman’s bitch. That’s what Obama meant. All right? Jeez.)

Yet Another Reason to Vote for Obama