Adventures in ACE XXVIII: Windbags

Awright. We just did four pages out of a thirty-one page PACE and got only one paragraph of something resembling science out of it. Let’s see how we fare on page 5 (five) of ACE Science PACE 1089. (And no, the ACE writers spelling out the number, in parentheses, on every single page, will never stop being hilarious to me.)

We left Ace dutifully beginning to wash Dad’s car. As he begins to spray, he mentions that the ball kept getting blown off-course while he and Racer played kickball. Dad tells him “that God’s laws control wind and weather.” That’s just precious. I begin to wonder if they’d be more amenable to actual science if we started saying “God’s theory of evolution” and “God’s radiometric dating.” I’m going to do this the next time a creationist argues with me. “Well, God’s geologic column clearly shows there was never a global flood,” “God’s principle of original horizontality demonstrates that…” and so forth.

Report back to me if you do this, and I’ll do the same.

So Ace asks Dad to ‘splain “the factors that determine wind speed, strength, and direction, as well as other weather conditions,” which doesn’t sound like writers clumsily stuffing words in a character’s mouth at all. Dad launches into a very dull explanation of what he calls the “world-wide system of air movement.” Why he couldn’t just call them global wind patterns like most everybody else is beyond me. Sometimes, I think conservatives like these very clunky phrases because they think it makes them sound educated. Dad also has to dare to be different by talking about the direction the winds are blowing to, not from, as is customary. He also gets all fancy and says the earth “whirls to the east.” Someone needs to put Dad’s thesaurus in time-out.

The Coriolis Effect is boringly explained. Then Ace trots out his mad logick skillz and says, “If latitudes between the equator and 30° north or south are known for their dependable winds, other latitudes must be known for their lack of dependable winds.” This allows Dad to repeat the old myth about how the horse latitudes were named.

People need to stop flogging that story. Seriously.

And all of this is so dreadfully dull that I’ve been alternating a sentence or two with long sessions on Reddit. Yes, I’d rather be reading about terrible boyfriends/husbands than putting up with this ACE shit. I have no idea how the kids who went through this curriculum survived. I see you, and I salute you. Extra salute for those of you who figured out this stuff is 99% pure crap.

At least the bit on “air tides” is slightly more interesting than the rest. Shame it’s only a tiny paragraph in their dry, pompous tones. It could’ve been awesome with better writers.

After a ho-hum but largely accurate description of land-sea and mountain-valley wind cycles, we’re on to temperature. I want to beat them over the head with this sentence:

“Our Earth is constantly receiving heat energy from the sun.”

Yes! It is! And this is why evolution doesn’t break the second law of thermodynamics, you jackasses!

Otherwise, there is nothing remarkable in their bit on temperature. It’s generally hottest in the afternoon, coldest just before sunrise, etc. blah. Ace gets to regurgitate learnings at Dad and get praised. I am so bored. Hey, did you hear about the dude who called his girlfriend selfish for making clear that she still didn’t want children even after he’d decided he did? Yeah, and he was somehow surprised she broke up with him. I’ll bet Ace would pull that shit without even 1/68th of this dude’s self-reflection. “She said she didn’t want kids, but God says we have to be fruitful and multiply! Reddit, why did she leave me just because I told her she’s sinning and has to start having my babies?!”

Gah. Focus. Must. Read PACE.

The next section is about moisture. It’s illustrated by a photo that claims to be fog, but actually just looks over-exposed.

Image shows downtown highrises. It's captioned "Fog," but there's little evidence of fog. The photo just looks a touch over-exposed.
They can’t even stock photo properly. How pathetic.

Ace’s dad explains how everyone’s a special snowflake:

“Even though snowflakes have some identical features, each one of the trillions of flakes is different from every other one. In the same way, though all men possess similar features, each individual is unique in the sight of God.”

And then he takes the opportunity to repeat the nonsense from a previous PACE about how “Snow and hail are mentioned in the Bible as ‘treasures’ reserved by God for judgement and war.” So, just a reminder: the next time you get caught in a hailstorm, God’s either trying to kill you, or you’re collateral damage, cuz it means he’s either delivering judgement or fighting a war. That’s just science.

The Facts from Science box has the least funny cartoon outside of jokes produced by MRAs.

Image shows a cartoon golfer in a kilt, with his golf club bag fallen over behind him. He's standing with his arms spread, saying "I didn't order any ice!" There's a huge lump of ice behind him with the word "WHUMP!" written on it, trying to indicate it has just fallen. There's a castle that looks more like a short pile of bricks, and a huge sun on the horizon.

Much clever. So wit. Wow.

Section One ends with a piece on low vs. high pressure, and it’s super half-assed and dull. Hey, did you hear about the boyfriend who’s obsessed with how often his girlfriend pees? Talk about high pressure!

Stay tuned. They’re going to be on about weather forecasting next. I get a feeling we won’t want any of them as our local weather dudes, if for no other reason than we’d fall sound asleep halfway through the forecast.

Image shows a black cat plopped down atop a carpeted perch with wooden sides. It's got its front legs draped over the sides and its chin down in the carpet. Its green eyes gaze into the distance with a very bored expression. Caption says, "UGH! So BORED!"

Adventures in ACE XXVIII: Windbags