ZOMG YOU GUYS! WE CAN GO TO ALL THE SAME-SEX WEDDINGS!!! SOME OF US CAN EVEN GET MARRIED AT THEM!!!!!!
I hope you’re satisfied, my QUILTBAG friends.
See, I’d hoped to protect you from this shit. Y’know, like, having to buy a ring, and pop the question, and choose the date, and venue, and get a cake (which we all know can go horrifically wrong, even if you’re baker loves same-sex weddings), and deal with all the family drama what with Aunt Margaret not talking to Cousin Leslie anymore, and then the humdrum ordinariness of married life, and the house, and the kids, and the bills, and the harsh reality of what “til death” and “in sickness and in health” really means. I’d thought you had a good deal, avoiding all that shit. It was kinda like back in the nineties when we thought the military wasn’t accepting pagans, and I was really glad, because I didn’t want any of my pagan friends to die in some bullshit war. I was against same-sex marriage before I was for it, because I figured you didn’t need the aggravation. But, since you wanted it so very much, I changed my mind, just like I did with my pagan friends who wanted to serve our country without having to hide who they are. And I’m getting happily drunk for you right now.
I’m still not sure why some of ya’ll want to sign up for the military when you don’t have to, but I’m old enough now to see why marriage is a big deal, and I’m just sorry it took so fucking long for our country to say, “Oh, hell. If you want it, go on, you crazy kids! Get hitched!”
Even if some of you crazy kids aren’t exactly kids, on account of having to wait so damn long.
I’m not one much for weddings, but if you decide to get married, I will be there, with bells on even if you want. I’ll even stuff myself into a dress. For serious. And I’m a fully-ordained minister in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, so I can even officiate for really-real in many states. I will put on my best pirate duds and same-sex marry you any time, even if it means I have to get up in the morning. I love you that much.
I’m so happy you won this battle! I’m so happy all fifty states will now recognize your union as a 100% legit marriage, and if any authorities give you any shit over it, it will be awesome watching the Supremes (okay, five of the nine Supremes) raining legal pain down upon their asses.
Today, we celebrate. Actually, let’s take the whole weekend, cuz this is big and requires a longer period of revelry to fully appreciate. Then we’ll probably want to take Monday off, too, on account of the hangovers.
But then we’ve got work to do.
See, I’m hoping this is the watershed moment, the one where people realize you’re really-real ordinary folks who deserve the same kindness and consideration as straight folks, but I suspect it’s like Roe v. Wade and Loving v. Virginia. I suspect we’ve won a battle, not a war. Just like we still have to fight for women’s reproductive and other rights, just like we still have to fight against racism, we’re going to have to carry on the war against homophobia. The bigots aren’t going to slink off into the sunset just because we kicked their asses all up and down Main Street with this decision.
We have a long fight ahead of us still. You can count on this 80% straight lady to get right down in the trenches with you. (Yes, I know, I’m really skinny and I don’t look that scary, but you just wait til I strip nekkid, paint myself blue, lime my hair into two-foot spikes, and run at these bigots with a big rainbow flag on a pole. They’ll break, you mark my words.)
And we’ve got to keep in mind that one of the major battles is getting the right person into the White House in 2016. Because it’s like Greta says:
There’s a lot of work we can do on the ground. But if we want the Supremes backing us up, we’re gonna have to put a President in the White House who will appoint justices who aren’t reactionary old asshats like the four who voted against your right to get hitched to whichever consenting adult you wish, never mind the genitalia.
So, everyone, think up some slogans*. And you Americans, get out there. Pound the pavement for pols who will choose decent justices. Try to convince your frothing conservative uncle that he loves his Obamacare so much even he’ll choose the D.** And vote. It’s never been more important.
And I am totally for serious about officiating your big QUILTBAG wedding, if you want. Any time!
*Do you think “Pull the lever for the D!” is too Beavis and Butthead?
** I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help myself. Blame this amazingly tasty Malibu Island Spiced rum that goes so incredibly well with Coke, you have no idea, you should totally try it if you like the occasional cocktail. Heh heh heh, cocktail. Whee… What? Yeah, the bottle is almost empty. Why do you ask?