Please Let the 80s Never Return

I’m not quite sure why I decided to torture myself, but I decided to look up some videos of a few of my favorite songs from middle school. The music is, of course, uber-cheesey, although I will argue that the voices are good. But dear Glod, the fashion. How did we get through the hairspray and pancake makeup and hideous clothes in order to engage in intimate activities? How did we ever find this crap attractive? Aaaagh.

Image is a cat wearing a yellow and blue striped polo shirt with the collar up. Caption says, "80s cat lives wif his collar up."

Before you go on, I must warn you… it’s not pretty.

Her hair. It doesn’t move. His mullet. Likewise. Why. WHY DID WE DO THIS?

People sometimes like to claim that fashion trends repeat. I hope we can just skip the 80s. Please, please let us skip the 80s entirely. I mean, seriously, what the fuck were we thinking?

That… that was supposed to be a hot night out… I can’t even…


And yes, Richard Marx totally was my middle-school crush. I admit this. I still like his facial structure. It wasn’t all hairspray and mousse.

Oh, gawd, my eyes. The fluorescents! How could I forget the fluorescents?! Otherwise, her style wasn’t all that bad… I mean, comparatively speaking. I adored her. I had her perfume. It was this hideous hot pink color and it smelled hot pink, like cotton candy and bubblegum, and it clung to your nose. I can still smell it. I had two bottles. I had a peach-colored dress with enormous shoulder pads and that perfume, and I thought it was awesome.


Must cleanse. Must have metal.

Yes, Dream Theatre was pretty much the first real metal I started listening to after that 80s phase. That and Queensryche were my gateway drugs to the really heavy stuff.

And, finally, one of the best things to ever come out of the 80s: Alannah Myles and this song.

Yeah, buddy. That’s the stuff… We can maybe bring back that particular bit.

Please Let the 80s Never Return

14 thoughts on “Please Let the 80s Never Return

  1. 1

    For every Sam Fox and Richard Marks you get a Smiths, That Petrol Emotion, The The , Teardrop explodes, Jam/style Council, The Cure, killing Joke, Echo & The Bunny Men…

    ^^^^ thats what happens when you DJ an “alternative 80s” night :P

  2. 5

    Every decade has their “WTF were we thinking?” icons of cool. As one of your older readers, I have seen duckass (DA’s) and butch haircuts, poodle skirts, platform shoes, Angel flight pants, leisure suits, shoulders padded and not, skirts high, low and everywhere in between, avocado and burnt orange carpet and appliances, shag carpeting and and and.

    Trust me – what you now feel is awesome to the ultimate will also provoke these same WTF reactions in 20 more years.

  3. 7

    You mean the resurgence of fluorescents, tiered skirts, off-shoulder sweatshirts, and baggy sweaters hasn’t made its way to the west coast yet? Give it time, Dana. You already have leggings and ankle boots, don’t you? Give it time.

  4. 8

    It seems to be a trend, so many things that seemed so universally and nearly transcendentally good at the time look very foolish twenty years later. I’m glad I didn’t get those tattoos.

    That said, living is a process. We can’t regret earlier stages for they are how we go to where we are now any more than we can regret crawling before we learned to walk.

  5. 9

    I spent most of the 80s in men’s clothes. Jeans, t-shirts, flannies, desert boots. Except for the occasional abortive veer into punk and proto-goth.

    But yeah, in the 80s people sneered in disdain at the hideous fashions of the 50s & 60s. In the 90s they sneered at the 70s. I think it’s about a 25 year cycle. Your mom’s wedding photos are like, the ULTRA-tackiest.

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