Really Terrible Bible Stories Excerpt: Introduction

Ready to dip into one of the most violent, sexually explicit, and immoral books ever written? Please pick up your Bibles and turn to Genesis.

I’m flabbergasted when people tell me they get their moral instruction from this tome. I’m even more astonished when they insist on shoving a copy into every child’s hands, then turn around and try to ban books from the library because they contain sex, violence, magic, or sundry other supposedly outrageous thing. Have those morality crusaders ever read their own Bible? It should be the very first book on their To Burn list! The bloody thing contains every single indecency they campaign against – and more!

 

Image shows Jackie Chan with his hands up by his head and a WTF face. Caption says, "What the actual fuck did I just read?"
Alas, this photo won’t be in the book. But I couldn’t resist including it here.

The Bible is chock-full of nudity, sex, murder, rape, genocide, patricide, fratricide, homicide, bestiality, seduction, drinking, homosexuality, socialism, magic, witchcraft, wizardry, child and animal sacrifice, prostitution, swearing, lying, cheating, stealing, sexism, misogyny, adultery, polygamy, concubinage, superstition, idolatry, gambling, beatings, maimings, stabbings, testicle-crushing, and really bad morals. As if it didn’t already contain enough bad1 stuff to get it banned a thousand times over, the wretched thing promotes slavery, telling you exactly who you can keep as slaves, and just how severely you can beat them. The second half of the book is scarcely better: it’s got a hippie socialist peacenik who hangs out with the dregs of society, interferes with commerce, kills fig trees, breaks up families, and promotes the consumption of alcohol before getting arrested by the state on trumped-up charges. There’s a really graphic execution. Then there’s more violence, murders, misogyny, and so forth before it ends with an acid trip.

The Christian Morality Police apparently either aren’t aware all that stuff’s in there, or think it’s okay because God inspired it. Well, ignorance is no excuse. And if God actually exists, and this book is indeed his inspired word, that just makes the whole thing worse. The dude’s a deity. He should have way better morals than slave-owning, genocidal, homicidal, adulterous, polygamist rapists. But according to his holy book, his favorite guy, David, was all that and worse!

The Bible is definitely adults-only, viewer-discretion-advised material, and yet the folks who promote it most fervently want it foisted on kiddies everywhere, while they shriek about the evils of Harry Potter. Methinks they have a bit of a blind spot.

Outside of the moral crusaders, a lot of people have warm fuzzy feelings for this book without really understanding what’s in it. Our culture is full of Biblical propaganda that makes us overlook the truly awful nature of so many of its stories. Remove your rosy religion-tinted glasses, open to a random page, and really read the thing, and you’re almost guaranteed to land on a section that would make you sick. Even those stories that end up in Children’s Bibles and are the subjects of adorable illustrations are often utterly horrible when you look beyond the sugar-coating. Tales held up as moral models may look fine at first, but two minutes’ close consideration will show you they’re anathema to a civilized society. And the fact we’re taught to think they’re good and just and holy goes a long way towards explaining why caring and compassionate people can support things like torture and the death penalty.

This is not a book we should be giving to children. It’s definitely not a source we should be uncritically getting our morals from. In this series, I’ll reexamine select stories from each of the 662 books of the Bible that illustrate why. They won’t always be the bloodiest. I may skip a few of your favorite terrible tales. But what I do present will show why this is one of the worst books in the world.

Grab your favorite nausea-combating food, drink, or drug, and join me for a close look at the Good Bad Book.

1Not everything on the Morality Crusaders’ list is terri-bad. For instance, many moral people are all for nudity, sex, drinking, homosexuality, socialism, magic, witchcraft, wizardry, swearing, gambling, and hippie peaceniks twisting the noses of the powerful. Even things like prostitution can be completely moral.

2I’m starting with the Protestant version of the Bible. If I manage to finish the whole thing with my noodle still somewhat functional, I may just tackle the Apocrypha, too. Wish me luck!

Really Terrible Bible Stories vol. 1: Genesis is coming soon. Watch this space for announcements and more excerpts!

Image is a painting of Abraham, holding a knife to a screaming Isaac's throat, looking incomprehendingly at the cherub that's trying to get his attention. Above is the title Really Terrible Bible Stories. Below is vol. I Genesis, Dana Hunter.

Copyright © 2015 by Dana Hunter. All rights reserved.

 

Really Terrible Bible Stories vol. I: Genesis is now available at Amazon! Worldwide, even! To order outside the United States, visit your country’s Amazon website and search for “Really Terrible Bible Stories” by Dana Hunter. Thanks for reading!

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Really Terrible Bible Stories Excerpt: Introduction
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8 thoughts on “Really Terrible Bible Stories Excerpt: Introduction

  1. 1

    My understanding as a young Catholic was that the OT was so horrible because god wanted us see examples of what evil behaviour and morals lead to.. but yeah those kinds of interpretations are always a stretch, especially with all the genocide.

  2. 2

    best paragraph ever:

    The Bible is chock-full of nudity, sex, murder, rape, genocide, patricide, fratricide, homicide, bestiality, seduction, drinking, homosexuality, socialism, magic, witchcraft, wizardry, child and animal sacrifice, prostitution, swearing, lying, cheating, stealing, sexism, misogyny, adultery, polygamy, concubinage, superstition, idolatry, gambling, beatings, maimings, stabbings, testicle-crushing, and really bad morals. As if it didn’t already contain enough bad* stuff to get it banned a thousand times over, the wretched promotes slavery, telling you exactly who you can keep as slaves, and just how severely you can beat them. The second half of the book is scarcely better: it’s got a hippie socialist peacenik who hangs out with the dregs of society, interferes with commerce, breaks up families, and promotes the consumption of alcohol before getting arrested by the state on trumped-up charges. There’s a really graphic execution. Then there’s more violence, murders, misogyny, and so forth before it ends with an acid trip.

    *standing on chair clapping*

  3. AMM
    5

    Oh, the Bible is a great read, at least the books that are about what (supposedly) happened. (The psalms and the prophets, not so much.) I mean, who needs _Game_of_Thrones_ when you have stories like Genesis 34, where Jacob’s daughter Dinah is “defiled” while his clan is visiting the city of Shechem. The ruler of Shechem offers to marry her to make it all right. The men of Jacob’s clan demand that all the men in the city circumsize themselves, and while they’re recovering, they kill all the men and take all their property (which , nach, includes the women and children.)

    Rape, incest, murder, adultery, genocide, gory battles, heads cut off, human sacrifice, it’s all there.

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