Appreciate your work, as always.

Axxyaan has it right: It’s not about wanting to talk anyone out of their feelings. It’s about wanting to go through what just happened, to compare perspectives and figure out why one of the parties ended up feeling disrespected. (I’m assuming here that it wasn’t caused deliberately.)
The way most of the blog post is worded, it’s an implicit assumption that the offended-feeling party has a vastly superior understanding of the interaction than the unintentionally offending one; so much so that even trying to understand and work out the issue right then and there is considered insolent: “it’s your fault, own up to your obvious insensitive mistake and apologise straight away.”
This is not the way I see my relationship with people I consider friends. We both get the benefit of the doubt and deserve respect; their feelings and perspective in a given situation are just valid as mine.

It is really sad that you felt the need to leave this comment. Have a nice day.

I’m really glad you feel welcome here. Best of luck with your recovery. 🙂

Thanks for the response and especially for answering my question. I agree the apology should come first (along with compliance) and that its best to ask my proposed question LATER.

Miri, I think this is the first time I’ve ever commented on your blog but I’ve read a number of your posts. I’m a christian who suffers with severe depression and I want to tell you that you not only write interesting, enjoyable pieces but you also show a kind heart as well. Thank you very much for that.

Scott

Most people who use them, yes, but I for one appreciate her generosity in this. Not everyone is great at communicating at all times.
Her kindness is useful for anyone whose anxiety interferes with their communication skills.

Using myself as an example. My brain sometimes makes assumptions, without my active knowledge or consent, I have to actively fight against acting on those assumptions even if I sometimes can’t stop them being made. I mostly succeed, but not always.

The relevant part works thusly: If I’ve done something wrong and need to be called out of it, then my brain assumes the person I’ve wrong must be mad at me. I will speak as though that person *is* mad, presumptive terminologies the works, because that’s what I perceive as true.
This is not an attempt at belittlement, but a reaction based on terror-addled brain presuming a poor emotional state of the other person, a terrifying prospect.
It is irrational, but it’s not always a conscious assumption, sometimes it feels like an observation.
So I acknowledge it as if it were an observation of reality, and speak as if it were making sure I were recognizing someones expressed hurt so as to validate them.

I don’t know why my brain does that, but I do know I’ve met other anxiety sufferers who have very similar problems.
For people like me it’s not a tactic for anything, it’s a misinterpretation of reality which messes up our communication. If we make a mistake that puts us in the hot seat then we might make another mistake because of the hot seat we’re in. It is the cycle of anxiety.
I’m grateful there is leeway for my mistakes.

Even my psychotherapist, educated as he is, doesn’t LABEL my emotions. He steers me gently in directions I need to go to understand how I feel and why.

Yeah, especially in cognitive-behavioral therapy, the idea is to try to help people label their own emotions (for the purpose of figuring out how their thoughts help cause them). If someone is having a lot of trouble, we might say something like, “It sounds to me like you might be feeling angry about this. What do you think?” Not just like, “You’re angry.” That’s presumptuous.

But what if the person (me, for example) responds, “What is it about what I did that you found disrespectufl?”

That would be appropriate following an apology and a while later, perhaps the next day, when neither person’s emotions are still running high. If you ask it immediately, it sort of sounds like that “just stop being upset” response I talked about. And the person who’s line you’ve crossed probably won’t be willing to give you a calm, reasoned explanation at the moment.