This is a big one.
I’ve got a similar situation.
And what I struggle with is “am I texting too often, and being more of a badger?”
I mean the last thing I want to do annoy the person.
Before the major onset, we used to text at least every few hours.
Then days started to pass, and I probably texted too much out of worry.
I check in at least once a week to see how they are doing, but want to text daily.

Sometimes a long time passes before there is any kind of response.
There is almost never a response to questions/statements like “how are you?”

Any advice would be so helpful.

You’re welcome!

When he says things that are hurtful, it might be a good idea to let him know that in as value-neutral a way as possible. For instance, “I understand that you’re feeling really down right now, but I feel hurt when you say that.” And make sure he knows that you feel hurt because you care, not because you don’t.

Thank you so much for the reply. I have just been feeling a little blue and helpless lately because I don’t know how to help and sometimes the things he does and says are hurtful, but I know it’s his depression and not him so I’m trying to cope and not take it personal.

I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend. He’s lucky to have someone like you who wants to be supportive, though.

Unlike many people, I don’t necessarily think that couples should break up and deal with it on their own if one of them is depressed. I would never have made it into treatment and on my way to recovery if it weren’t for my ex-boyfriend. It might be a good idea for you and your boyfriend not to make any major decisions about your relationship while he’s depressed because he’s probably feeling very pessimistic, and that’s affecting his decision-making.

In terms of supporting him, there’s really no single right way to do it. Call/contact him as much as you feel comfortable, without feeling like you’re at his beck and call. Or ask him how often he’d like to talk.

Being apart definitely makes it hard, but one thing I think helps is being on Skype together while doing your work (I’m assuming you two are in school) or otherwise doing other stuff. It feels more like a regular relationship that way, and it gives him an opening to talk to you if he wants to without feeling like he’s bothering you by calling you just for that reason, if that makes any sense. The difficulty I always faced when I was depressed and in a long-distance relationship was having to call and basically be like, “I’m really upset right now and need you to talk to me.” Chances are he feels that way, too.

One more thing that could help is if you have an email correspondence with him. Emails are kind of underrated these days, but it’s really nice to check your email and find a pleasant surprise there. It’ll aso give your boyfriend the opportunity to put his thoughts into writing, which is helpful for a lot of people.

Anyway, I hope some of that is useful. Don’t hesitate to ask if you need more help. 🙂

I’m sorry to hear your friends aren’t being very helpful. The best option for you might be to talk to someone that you don’t know too well, but that you know is open to helping people. For instance, I’m often approached by people I know only marginally who’ve read my writing or know of my work on campus and correctly assume that I wouldn’t mind listening to them.

If you don’t know of anyone like that, there are resources available that try to provide a similar service. If you’re a college student, try to find out if your school has a peer counseling/listening service. Many schools have them. Usually it means you’d go talk to a fellow student who’s been trained to be a good listener and to be supportive to people like you.

If that’s not available either, see if you can think of an older person outside of your family whom you trust. It could be a religious leader of some sort, an advisor if you’re at school, a friend’s parent that you’ve gotten to know, etc. These people aren’t always perfect by any means, but they’ll probably have more experience with helping others and therefore be more willing to listen.

In any case, please feel free to contact me anytime at mogilevsky[at]northwestern.edu. Thanks for reading, and feel better soon. 🙂