It’s time to mock a product!

I saw this claptrap at Sea Life in the Mall of America.

On the outside of the box the script reads, “Real love takes time to grow, just like this unique pearl. Experience the thrill of opening one of nature’s most perfect gifts. Please enjoy the beauty and surprise it has in store for you.”

Inside reads, “God created Women and Pearls as nature’s most beautiful gifts. Each takes time to grow to their full potential as intended. Treat both with the Respect and Love that they deserve. Love is eternal and Life should be enjoyed to the fullest.”

Awww…isn’t that… *hurls* Really? I wonder what they’re referring to when they say that “real love takes time to grow” and “Women…take time to grow”. And the thing is called a Purity Pearl… Hmmm… I dunno. It’s just all so vague.

Oh, but let’s continue the women = pearls analogy, shall we? What do we do with this symbol of purity after we’ve dug it out of the Real Oyster Shell in the kit? Well, what does one do to keep purity safe? We keep it in a cage:

Oh Sea Life… couldn’t you just stick with the over-priced cute plush turtles and sharks?