Glasses to Blur Out the Wimminz

Or alternatively, Fuzzy Glasses, Fuzzy Logic.

It’s August and as far as I know there’s only one April Fool’s Day every year. Right?

RIGHT?

I went to Google to see if this “Associated Press” article that I saw on Twitter was real (Ohhhh… you say you’re <air quotes>Associated Press</air quotes> Sure ya are. Got ID?), and found that the story is being carried by several other news sources including the Washington Post, HuffPo, and about a kazillion bajillion blogs. So here it goes:

What do you do if you’re a man who is forbidden by his religious doctrine from having contact [edited per comment 3] with the majority of women in this world? Well, you start by making women invisible in your society. That makes it totes easy for you, and you’re the man so why shouldn’t life be easy for you? So you pressure your women to dress ultra-modestly and forbid them to interact with you; that goes a long way toward your goal. But you know… you can still see them.

Hmmm…

What if a button breaks and you catch a glimpse of a lady’s neck? Or an ankle – gasp! And what if she purposely tries to tempt you by…oh I don’t know…by letting a stray hair slip from her head covering? You have to trust the women to follow your clothing rules so that you’re not tempted into lusting after them! *groan* And let’s not even get started on the women outside of your community who don’t have to follow your rules. You have absolutely no control over this situation!

But wait – you do!

Take some regular glasses and put stickers over the lenses. No not just any stickers – that would be silly. You have to buy special fuzzy stickers that allow you about 10 feet of clear vision, and beyond 10 feet everything fuzzes out – including your repressed sexual desire!

Problem solved!

So that takes care of that. Except… for those times when you need to cross busy roads or read street signs or – nahhhhh. You’ll be fine. And secure from unexpected lust that’s totally not your fault or responsibility! Everybody wins!

Right?

RIGHT?

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Glasses to Blur Out the Wimminz
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397 thoughts on “Glasses to Blur Out the Wimminz

  1. 1

    Wow, that’s strange. Although at least this is something men have to do to themselves, instead of to women so I guess that’s progress

    One picky point. You seem to be using The term “fuzzy logic” here as a synonym for bad logic, but that’s not what it means. Fuzzy logic is a legitimate form of logic that deals with sets that are not binary. Questions of how much hair do you have to lose to be considered bald, or how many lies do you have to tell to be considered unreliable, fall within the purview of fuzzy logic.

    So does the question of how much of your body do you need to cover to be considered decently dressed in any given context, interestingly enough. So fuzzy logic would be a good thing to use here, not a bad thing, because one of the things we use fuzzy logic for is deciding where along the not always slippery slope it makes sense to stop, before “bikinis don’t belong at the office” becomes “cover everything but your eyes”.

    1. 1.1

      Interesting point about the “fuzzy logic”. I was using it in the off-hand manner that Darby Conley did for his Get Fuzzy comic book, but it is interesting that fuzzy logic – the logic describing a continuum – is applicable to the situation. Nice catch.

  2. 2

    So that takes care of that. Except… for those times when you need to cross busy roads or read street signs or – nahhhhh. You’ll be fine.

    Surely, YHWH will protect the holiest of misogynists when he needs to walk across the street, but might seem som slutty sluts with -GASP- EXPOSED FOREARMS!!!!!!

  3. 3

    What do you do if you’re a man who is forbidden by his religious doctrine to have no contact with the majority of women in this world?

    If I’m forbidden from having no contact, then that’s the same as being enjoined to have much contact as possible. I talk with every woman who will listen, and listen to every woman who has something they’re willing to say to me.

    Of course if I’m forbidden by religious doctrine from having contact with women, then I guess I wear those dumb glasses, trip on hazards I can’t see, and break my fool neck. Darwin FTW!

  4. 5

    I read this story to my wife. She mused, “Won’t that be bad for their eyesight?” After giving the matter considerable thought, I concluded that I didn’t give a damn if it was bad for their eyesight or not.

    1. 5.1

      Haredim have shockingly bad eyesight anyway. It’s caused by them “shukeling”, rocking back and forth, as they read from their prayerbooks. The eyes can’t cope with the constant refocusing on the text.

      Brianne – the glasses also come with a hood. Apparently it’s worn over the head (under the hats) with a slot cut out for the glasses to poke through. Think Like a reverse niqab.

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