So You’re Lost In Space

So you’re lost in space. Here’s how to figure out what kind of Star Trek you’re on.

If the aliens are…

Horny and extravagant yet dully conventional about it

Star Trek: The Original Series.

James Kirk, a muscular light-haired man in a gold shirt, sits opposite Shahna, a woman with bright green hair wearing a revealing outfit of shiny gray cloth.
In which James T. Kirk escapes gladiatorial slavery by catching Lady Gaga in a bad romance.

Satan inviting you to the realm at the center of the universe where magic is real

Star Trek: The Animated Series.

A muscular grinning satyr with arms outstretched before a psychedelic rainbow.
There is no preparing for the batshittery of Star Trek: The Animated Series.

Horny and weird about it

Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Dr. Beverly Crusher surrounded in green smoke grinning ecstatically.
She was reading an especially erotic chapter of her grandmother’s diary.

Horny and VERY weird about it

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Quark, an orange-skinned Ferengi with large ears and a bulbous head, moaning in ecstasy as a dark-haired woman massages his ears.
This happens multiple times.

Colossal assholes first and horny second

Star Trek: Voyager.

An unkempt Tom Paris makes a face of shock while hooked up to a seafoam pilot's chair by a series of colorful tubes. A dark-haired woman is draped over him and looks at him in a state of satisfaction.
And then the sexy spaceship milks Tom Paris while trying to murder him.

Either sopping wet or extremely racist, neither of which is helped by how they’re so horny it’s apparently physically painful for them and for you that they’re so horny

Star Trek: Enterprise.

Captain Jonathan Archer utterly drenched in the white and yellow substance of an alien whose body is basically sentient semen.
I cannot emphasize just how unsettlingly wet this show is.

Horny and kind of ordinary about it

Kelvin Timeline.

Carol Marcus in Star Trek: Into Darkness, in which she briefly appears in a pushup bra and low-rise panties while undressing in a corridor.
What?

Too suspicious of the space Nazi you’re inexplicably chummy with to be horny right now

Star Trek: Discovery.

A head shot of Empress Philippa Georgiou of the Terran Empire, showing her crown and armor-like ceremonial dress.
Captain Cannibal Space Hitler is your friend for some reason and that’s a real boner-killer. And person-killer.

Horny and a lot of fun about it

Star Trek: Lower Decks.

A nude Dr. T'ana, an anthropomorphic orange cat with a short tail, climbing an equally nude Commander Shaxs, who is a large, muscular, heavily scarred man with a wrinkled nose and one clouded eye, while a shocked Ensign Mariner looks on.
It’s so much fun.

Horny and way more into feet than you expected

Star Trek: Picard.

Narek, a bearded Romulan, standing behind Soji with his hands on her shoulders, gently whispering.
This is around when Narek asks Soji to take off her boots and take a long, slow walk around this room while the camera migrates downward.

Not really all that horny about you but VERY excited about your dad

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds.

Captain Christopher Pike and a dark-haired alien woman are in bed together.
The aliens are very excited about your dad.

Teenagers

Star Trek: Prodigy.

Gwyndala, Rok, and Dal in a cyberpunk alien city. Gwyndala is tall and thin with white skin and green hair. Rok is a large, red-orange being with rocky features and blue eyes. Dal has purple skin and gray hair.
They have no idea what kind of universe they’re growing into.

Deeply concerned that you showed up horny for installing right-wing dictatorships in countries that had the temerity to pursue left-wing policies and also vore

Star Trek: Section 31, probably.

Philippa Georgiou in her black leather Section 31 outfit.
Did…did they really forget that she ate people right in front of them?

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So You’re Lost In Space
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