Lovecraft Letters – Anon’s Potted Plants

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Image of white man looking at white woman with expression of terror on his face. Her face has been cropped out and replaced with the text "this could be you!"
 

I DO NOT SLEEP. IN SLEEP, SHE COMES FOR ME, WITH HER TOO-MANY TEETH AND HER TOO-LONG CLAWS AND HER TOO-POINTY LEGS, EACH MOVING WITH THE SOUND OF STEEL SCRAPING STONE. WHEN MY EYES OPEN, SHE IS A WISP OF SMOKE, BEYOND TOUCH AND LEAVING THE SMELL I HAVE LEARNED TO FEAR. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME.

I CAN ASSURE YOU, I AM QUITE A CATCH. MY DEAR FRIEND ANON ONCE DESCRIBED ME AS, “ON A SCALE OF 1-2, I’D GIVE HIM ONE,” AND THEN THEY DID GIVE ME ONE. ONE RELENTLESS ASSKICKING FOR BRINGING THE FEAR MONSTER INTO THEIR HOME WITH MY MERE PRESENCE, THAT IS, BUT ONE IS ONE AND 1 ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 2 ISN’T BAD, RIGHT? MAYBE I’D HAVE GOTTEN A 2 IF I’D STOP TERROR-SHITTING IN THEIR POTTED PLANTS AFTER SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT AND BREAKING IN THROUGH THEIR DOWNSTAIRS WINDOW EVERY WEDNESDAY. THEY TOLD ME THEY DON’T LIKE THAT, BUT IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE AFTER HER STEEL-SCRAPING VISITS.

I THINK I MIGHT BE A CONFUSED HOUSECAT.

PLEASE. I NEED YOUR HELP. I DO NOT SLEEP. THE TERROR SHE INSPIRES AS I HEAR HER SCRAPE-SCRAPING ALONG MY WALLS IS SO VAST THAT I CAN ONLY ASSUAGE IT BY ESCAPING MY HOME, RUNNING 20 BLOCKS TO ANON’S HOUSE, BREAKING THROUGH ANON’S DOWNSTAIRS WINDOW, AND TERROR-SHITTING IN ALL OF THEIR POTTED PLANTS IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. I’M ON MY SIXTH ANON ALREADY AND NOT ONE OF THEM HAS RATED ME HIGHER THAN 1 ON THEIR 1 TO 2 POINT SCALE, THANKS TO THE BREAK-INS.  ALSO, SOME OF THEM GOT EATEN BY THE FEAR MONSTER. RIP, ANONS.

YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING, WHAT DO I NEED YOUR HELP WITH, LADY FROM THE INTERNET? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED. YOU CAN REPLACE THE FEAR MONSTER. IT TURNS OUT THAT BREAKING INTO ANON’S HOUSE IN THE DEAD OF WEDNESDAY NIGHT TO SHIT IN THEIR POTTED PLANTS TRIGGERED SOME KIND OF IMMORTAL CURSE THAT WILL FOLLOW ME UNTIL THE END OF MY DAYS. RIGHT NOW, SHE FOLLOWS ME WITH HER TEETH AND HER CLAWS AND HER LEGS AND I CAN ONLY DEFLECT HER BY SHITTING IN ANON’S POTTED PLANTS TO CONFUSE HER UNTIL SHE LEAVES IN BAFFLED DISGUST, BUT IT CAN BE DIFFERENT FOR ME. I CAN FEAR YOU, TOO, AND IF I FEAR YOU ENOUGH, YOU WILL GAIN HER IMMORTALITY.

YOU COULD BE THE ONE I FEAR.

SO WHAT WILL YOU DO, LADY FROM THE INTERNET? WHAT WILL YOU DO TO MAKE ME FEAR YOU MORE THAN THE TOO-POINTY CLAWS, TOO-SHARP TEETH, TOO-MANY LEGS OF FEAR ITSELF THAT PROD ME TO SHIT IN THE POTTED PLANTS OF ANON AFTER ANON? I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT YOU WILL BE BEAUTIFULLY INVENTIVE, BECAUSE I’M ALREADY TERRIFIED OF WOMEN, DRESSES, TINDER, PHOTOSHOP, THOSE LITTLE PLASTIC TABLES FROM PIZZA BOXES, AND BUCKMINSTERFULLERENE. IT’S TOO MANY HEXAGONS, LADY FROM THE INTERNET. WHY IS IT SO MANY HEXAGONS? BRB, I NEED TO SHIT IN SOME POTTED PLANTS TO CALM MYSELF.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE? RIGHT, WE WERE DISCUSSING WHAT YOU’D DO TO MAKE ME UTTERLY, PLANT-SHITTINGLY TERRIFIED OF YOU SO THAT YOU COULD CLAIM THE SOUL OF THE FEAR MONSTER THAT IS HUNTING ME, WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE YOU TO BECOME THE SAME KIND OF FEAR MONSTER. I PROBABLY DIDN’T MENTION THAT PART. I’M SORRY, I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT THESE THINGS. BUT MY MOTHER SAYS I’M EVERYTHING A MOTHER COULD WANT HER DAUGHTER TO DATE AND THEN SOME, THE “AND THEN SOME” BEING MY PENCHANT FOR BREAKING INTO ANON’S HOUSE IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT TO SHIT IN THEIR POTTED PLANTS AND THE FACT THAT I’M TERRIFIED OF PIZZA TABLES. THAT HAS TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

I’LL BRING THE HOLLOWED-OUT CLOWN SKIN IF YOU BRING THE BLOODY TARPS, FETISH BOOTS, BAG OF SOCCER BALLS, AND TINY TABLE WITH EQUALLY TINY TEACUPS. THEY’RE TOO SMALL TO EAT OFF OF, LADY FROM THE INTERNET. THAT’S SCARY STUFF.

I’LL BE WAITING, LADY FROM THE INTERNET. BUT NOT FOR LONG. SOMETIME TONIGHT, I HAVE SOME PLANT-SHITTING TO DO.

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Lovecraft Letters – Anon’s Potted Plants
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