How to Cook and Eat your Favorite Republicans

It’s that time of year again, when humankind holds back the darkest night of the year with expansive meals and festive lights well across the northern hemisphere. And what better festive meal on the darkest night than the pitch darkness made manifest that is the average Republican?

I know, I know—Republicans are notoriously tricky to cook, since most of them are toxic enough that no plants ever grow again on the ground where they have trod barefoot and gutting them for consumption typically requires a full hazmat contingent. But there are some tips and trick that an enterprising culinary wizard can employ to make their Republican meals safe, easy, and even fun. Let’s begin.

Ted Cruz

In the weeks prior to cooking a Ted Cruz, prepare a vinegar bath to leach the arsenic from his blood. After gutting to remove his evil glands, soak him for at least four consecutive days, changing the vinegar daily. Retain the arsenic vinegar to poison some Republican groundwater on another festive occasion, such as Easter. Once you have properly cleaned your Ted Cruz, he should then be grilled, ideally over charcoal, so that the open heat can dissipate the remaining vinegar fumes and replace them with the sharp wonder of natural smoke. A lively jerk sauce completes this jerk and also conceals any lingering flavor of supernatural decay. Serve with white rice.

Suggested drink pairing: Piña colada made with the most disgracefully cheap rum one can find.

Marco Rubio

A Marco Rubio’s general spinelessness makes him easy to gut and clean, but it also creates challenges for the cooking process. Marinate your Marco Rubio in a mojo criollo overnight for best results. The marinade’s acidity helps firm his gelatinous flesh without turning it rubbery. Afterward, roast your Marco Rubio over low heat for at least six hours, basting with a 50-50 mix of naranja agria and elderly Cuban tears every hour. If possible, perform this roast in a pit oven, tandoor, caja china, or similar apparatus. Serve with yuca frita.

Suggested drink pairing: An entire liter of Gato Negro Merlot, half before, half after.

Tony Scaramucci

The major obstacle to enjoying a Tony Scaramucci is the overwhelming aroma of shame bile that accompanies this noisome creature. To counter this, prepare a brew of elderflower honey, rosemary, and Cheeto dust collected from the fingernails of racist sports fans. This concoction should be left to ferment in an old boot for at least two years before use. A Tony Scaramucci should be dry-rubbed with a mix of garlic, kosher salt, marjoram, and George F. Will columns on all interior and exterior surfaces, with the locations of the largest shame bile deposits receiving more dry rub. Once so prepared, a Tony Scaramucci should be spit-roasted or rotisserie-roasted, and the boot brew poured directly on the heat source to evaporate into and around the roast. You will know if it worked if the George Will columns immediately flake off, descend into the flames, and dissipate into green smoke while shrieking embarrassing stories about your Tony Scaramucci’s childhood. Serve with rotini tossed in Italian salad dressing.

Suggested drink pairing: Sambuca, served in an ale mug.

John McCain

The best garnish for a John McCain is a trash can lid, because that nonsense goes in the trash. If you insist on not putting your John McCain in the only appropriate receptacle, use a vat of lemon juice mixed with dried onion, whole peaches, two Irish rosaries, and a touch of saffron to make him into ceviche. Cooking with any heat whatsoever will cause his volatile hypocrisy vapors to burst into flames, so any other cooking method is a serious hazard. No known procedure can purge the fumes to enable the braising his flesh otherwise invites. Do not consume your John McCain ceviche near open flames, and eat around any brain tumors you may discover to avoid the other hazard of eating a John McCain. Serve with mashed potatoes and a Scaramucci-based gravy. Or you can bin it. Your call.

Suggested drink pairing: Monahan’s Irish whiskey maple glaze, served in a Scotch glass.

Rick Santorum

If you can get your hands on a Rick Santorum, use a narrow pipe joint to wring out his contents and then use his entire body as a sausage casing. A Rick Santorum’s innards are a frothy mix of feces, child blood, animal semen, creationist textbooks, and the spirits of dead scientists captured during his weekly binding rituals, and can be used only as high-grade fertilizer. Wash the casing thoroughly after spreading the innards across the nearest orchard. This will both increase yield and free those poor scientists. Suggested sausage stuffers include ground Michele Bachmann mixed with walnuts, red pepper flakes, boar fat, and a single cranberry; or her husband, mixed with chocolate jimmies, minced garlic, and bay leaves. Attempt to combine these two recipes only if your kitchen is rated as a fallout shelter. Serve with baby carrots.

Suggested drink pairing: Vintage IPA with Rosemary, directly from the keg.

Ann Coulter

An Ann Coulter requires care to prepare well. Brine her overnight in a mix of seawater, honey, entire heads of garlic, and a single root from a tree where a racist was hanged. Roast her in a well-crafted roasting pan for at least eight hours, basting with leftover brine every 30 minutes. After the roasting period, let your Ann Coulter rest while you reduce the remaining brine and drippings into gravy. The excessive salt that results is necessary to counter the extreme bitterness of Ann Coulter. Serve with turkey stuffing that a drunken uncle has yelled at for at least 15 minutes.

Suggested drink pairing: Thunderbird, served in a gravy boat.

Roy Moore

The first step in preparing a Roy Moore, after gutting and cleaning, is to carefully flatten every square inch of his rubbery flesh with a meat mallet, with particular emphasis on the testes. Prepare a dry rub containing Cayenne pepper, the ash of a burnt hickory tree, sea salt, ground Gulf shrimp, and a teaspoon of raw petroleum and carefully work it into all of your Roy Moore’s flesh. Section your Roy Moore into medallion steaks and leave in a large open casserole dish outside the nearest church. Present the crushed testes at the altar of the Lord to secure a wrathful sunbeam which will put a nice sear on those steaks and also cook them to medium-rare. Render the drippings into gravy using leftover Communion wine. Serve with McDonald’s French fries on a 50% polyester / 50% cotton handkerchief. To serve medium-well steaks instead, complete the recipe on a Friday.

Suggested drink pairing: Blackberry Manischiewitz, served in a golden chalice.

Paul Ryan

To properly prepare a Paul Ryan is to stare death in the face and blush coyly. Bury him in the nearest partially thawed permafrost with an idol recovered from the Darién Gap in Panamá, six tulip bulbs, the remains of a herring that has known regret, and an intact bottle of unpasteurized milk. Drench the lot with Icelandic akvavit before burial, and return in six months. If the idol has not been absorbed into your Ryan’s unholy flesh and the tulips have not grown upside-down in an attempt to flee his perfidy, return again in one year; otherwise, retrieve your Paul Ryan and return to your home. Prepare a light beer batter that contains at least one teaspoon of red Gatorade, spread it on your Paul Ryan, and carefully pan-fry him in whale oil. It is necessary not to separate your Paul Ryan into multiple pieces for battering and frying, for even after absorbing the idol he remains capable of fissile reproduction. Keep your hood fan running throughout in case the herring was insufficient to absorb his hideous effluvia. It is not necessary to clean a Paul Ryan before any of these steps, as he is lacking in guts as these are conventionally understood. Serve with a roasted turnip that has watched something beautiful die.

Suggested drink pairing: Upon completing the cooking of your Paul Ryan, an aperitif glass of the akvavit you used earlier will manifest in your dining room. Savor it to experience your telepathic triumph.

Happy cooking, dear readers! If you have thoughts on how to cook and eat some other famous Republicans, post them in the comments.

Mitch McConnell, Donald Trump, and Paul Ryan at a conference table, looking like the smug shitheads they are.
How to Cook and Eat your Favorite Republicans