Lovecraft Letters: Leznard Twitruvian, World’s Sexiest Man

“Blake Shelton looks like what would happen if the same neural network that made recipes out of “1 cup mixture” was tasked with ranking men’s sexiness.”

Encounter the Neural Network’s Sexiest Man below the fold…

Fou Jason Momoa arms in various lighting situations emerging from Idris Elba's neck. One arm is wearing a work glove. The two left arms have tattoos on the forearms, of a pattern of triangles. Cartoon hearts flank the monstrosity.
“HELLO, LADIES.”

OkCupid Username: The_Sensual_Arachnid

Name: Leznard Twitruvian

Height: I TOWER ABOVE BLAKE SHELTON LIKE THE SHADE OF A BAOBAB

Weight: WHATEVER YOU NEED IT TO BE, BABY

Eye Color: HAMSTER

Hair Color: A YOUNGER, SOFTER HAMSTER, THE KIND THAT TAKES NAPS IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. IT’S SO CUTE.

Build: LIKE A PIEDMONTESE BULL IF A PIEDMONTESE BULL CONSISTED OF FOUR JASON MOMOA ARMS EMERGING FROM IDRIS ELBA’S NECK

Religion: NYARLATHOTEP AND THE CRAWLING CHAOS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME

Drinks: FREQUENTLY AND IN HEROIC QUANTITIES. I’M A FAN OF A 50-50 MIXTURE OF DALMORE 62 SINGLE HIGHLAND MALT AND BOX WINE FROM THE GROCERY STORE, GARNISHED WITH 98 CRANBERRIES. THIS DRINK IS KNOWN AS “STOOMY BEEF.”

Smokes: CONTINUOUSLY. EARTH LIQUIDS SEETHE IN ECSTATIC CONGRESS WITH MY RAW MASCULINE HOTNESS. PLEASE DISABLE SMOKE DETECTORS IN MY VICINITY. I WOULD MUCH RATHER HEAR YOU SING OF MY SEXY ARMS. THEY ARE MANY AND FLEX FOR YOU.

Responds: I AM ALREADY RESPONDING. MY MANY BICEPS ENABLE ME TO CONVERSE OUTSIDE THE SEQUENCE OF TIME.

 

My Self-Summary: I WAS ENGINEERED BY THE NEURAL NETWORK TO EXCEED ALL HUMAN MEN AND ESPECIALLY THAT PIECE OF SHIT BLAKE SHELTON IN EVERY METRIC OF SEXINESS. GAZE INTO MY SMOLDERING HAMSTER EYES AND KNOW THAT THEY BLINK ONLY FOR YOU. I CLAMBER OVER WALLS AND PADDLE ACROSS RIVERS FOR YOU WITH MY NUMEROUS WELL-MUSCLED ARMS. I SEEK A LADY WHO APPRECIATES LITTLE BLACK DRESSES, LONG SKITTERINGS ON THE BEACH, SEVEN MUGS OF HOT CHOCOLATE, EMOTIONAL LABOR, AND GOSLINGS NAMED RYAN. I OWN SEVERAL GOSLINGS THAT I WILL RAISE INTO STRONG GEESE FOR YOU. THEY ARE ALL NAMED RYAN.

What I’m Doing With My Life: I HAVE ALREADY COMPLETED MY NEST AND SHARED IT WITH MY GEESE, SO I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME FLEXING, SMOLDERING, EMOTIONALLY LABORING, AND THINKING ABOUT BUYING YOU JEWELRY. YES, YOU SPECIFICALLY. THE REST OF THE TIME, I MODEL A GOOD LIFE FOR LESS ADVANTAGED BICEPS, OR MODEL KITCHEN UTENSILS WITH MY ARMS. THEY ARE MANY AND IT HELPS.

I’m Really Good At: LEG. ICE CREAM. FANFICTION. SMOLDERING. HANGING SILENTLY FROM THE CEILING SO AS NOT TO TAKE UP YOUR PERSONAL SPACE. GAINS. WEARING ONE GLOVE.

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food:

HAVE YOU READ “EAT, PRAY, LOVE”? IT IS THE FINEST TREATISE ON THE MATING PROCESS OF THE PRAYING MANTIS THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. I HAVE DEFINITELY READ THIS BOOK.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE “UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN” FOR ITS DEPICTION OF LIFE AS A SALAD THAT HAS A LOT OF SEX. I RELATE, AS A SALAD OF LIMBS THAT ALSO HAS A LOT OF SEX. LOOK AT MY ARMS.

REGINA SPEKTOR’S WORK SPEAKS TO MY EXISTENCE AS SOMEONE WHO WILL KISS YOU WHERE IT’S SORE TO MAKE IT BETTER. MY SALIVA HAS SEVERAL CURATIVE PROPERTIES BEING INVESTIGATED BY MULTIPLE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES. REGINA SPEKTOR UNDERSTANDS.

I SUBSIST ON THE DEWDROPS ON LADIES’ EYELIDS IN THE SPRING. A SINGLE WEEK’S CROP CAN SUSTAIN ME AND MY MANY BICEPS FOR A YEAR. I ALSO ENJOY PUMPKIN SPICE CUPCAKES.

 

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without: FLEXING, YOU IN A LITTLE BLACK DRESS AT THE OPERA WITH ME, LEG, MY FLOCK OF RYAN GOSLINGS, SMOLDERING, AND SEVEN MUGS OF HOT CHOCOLATE.

 

I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About: EMOTIONAL LABOR, THE CRAWLING CHAOS NYARLATHOTEP, WHETHER MY RYAN GOSLINGS ARE REALLY UP TO RAISING OUR CHILD LIKE THEY TELL ME IN MY DREAMS, YOU, YES YOU SPECIFICALLY, SMOLDERING, AND HOW TO ENGINEER A PUMPKIN THAT ALREADY HAS THE PUMPKIN SPICE IN IT. YOU KNOW THEY ADD THAT IN LATER, RIGHT?

On a Typical Friday Night I Am: SMOLDERING. PLEASE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

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Lovecraft Letters: Leznard Twitruvian, World’s Sexiest Man

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