A Kanto for my Amantes: My Lovers as Pokémon
There’s an idea, somewhere between a running gag and a stereotype, that some people collect lovers like a Pokémon trainer collects pets. This concept grades into ugly objectification here and there, up to and including people maintaining de facto bingo cards of the demographics they’d like to bed, but it’s also an interesting thought exercise for the polyamorous lady.
Going it alone is not how this world works. None of us is invincible, nor are we all best at everything. Humans are interdependent, and we need each other. Sometimes, we are each other’s accessibility devices; other times, we’re each other’s levees, holding up what can no longer stand on its own. We look for, and find, people who fit with who we are, and we grow fond of and interdependent with people who can accomplish the things that we cannot. In the best scenario, we’re not just lovers: we are family.
A person and their partners, then, can be rather like a well-balanced Pokémon team.
So, here are the members of my polycule reimagined as Pokémon.
(Presented in alphabetical order. Many thanks to our very own Ania for the drawings.)
The Defenestrating Pokemon
Height: 119.4 cm
Weight: 35.0 kg
A fiery wolf colored black and red, Fenrilki is a subtler foe than she appears. She hides poisoned blades in her wristbands, retrieving them adroitly for when her fiery bite doesn’t do the job. Her body is somewhat frail, so she must rest regularly to keep up her strength. Sometimes, her illness works in her favor, allowing her to take away her foes’ defensive with a gout of stomach acid. Falling to the ground is a serious hazard to her, but she dispenses with and consumes plants with aplomb.
Types: Fire and Poison
Ability: Guts – Boosts Attack if there is a status problem.
|A slashing attack with a poisonous blade that may also leave the target poisoned. Critical hits land more easily.|
|The user bites with flame-cloaked fangs. It may also make the target flinch or leave it burned.|
|The user hurls up its stomach acids on the target. The fluid eliminates the effect of the target’s Ability.|
|The user goes to sleep for two turns. It fully restores the user’s HP and heals any status problem.|
The Unassuming Pokemon
Height: 150.3 cm
Weight: 0.1 kg
Made of strange gases in black and purple, Kitmist feels cool and silky to the touch. Her gaseous substance is alternately wispy and hazy or sharply defined. She can vary her shape, but usually resembles a lynx or bobcat. Her sense of right and wrong is fierce, and she responds powerfully to darkness in others. She is cautious and defensive, preventing others from penetrating her mystery, but she has a way of getting around people’s guard and into their good graces.
Ability: Justified – Raises Attack when hit by Dark-type moves.
|The user throws up a sturdy wall that sharply raises its Defense stat.|
|Letting out a charming cry, the user does emotional damage to opposing Pokémon. This attack never misses.|
|A wondrous wall of light is put up to suppress damage from special attacks for five turns.|
|The user vanishes somewhere, then strikes the target on the next turn. This move hits even if the target protects itself.|
The Snarky Pokemon
Height: 78.7 cm
Weight: 15.3 kg
On spindly limbs holding up a scaly body, Sarcaswim resembles a cross between a water strider and an Australian lungfish. She has well-hidden insect wings on her back, but prefers to walk or swim. Her attacks issue from two large cannons above and behind her fish-insect head. She is prone to flattery and sarcastic retorts that throw foes off their strategy. Her type combination gives her a lot of strengths, but also a lot of weaknesses.
Types: Bug and Water
Ability: Forewarn – Determines what moves the foe has.
|The user vibrates its wings to generate a damaging sound wave. It may also lower the target’s Sp. Def stat.|
|The user compels the target to keep using only the move it last used for three turns.|
|With a parting threat, the user lowers the target’s Attack and Sp. Atk stats. Then it switches with a party Pokémon.|
|The user attacks the target with a pulsing blast of water. It may also confuse the target.|
The Story Pokemon
Height: 88.9 cm
Weight: 21.2 kg
Sidhestrix resembles a round-faced owl with bright red feathers. Her eyes are accented with pointed, bejeweled glasses. Her wings are scrolls that display different text each time they are read. She can fly long distances and is comfortable in the air. Her tail feathers are long and prehensile, serving as hands when her feet cannot. With such splendor at her disposal, she will not be escaped…nor does errant coin elude her for long. After all, good stories follow when she battles, but the best stories involve buying drinks afterward.
Types: Fairy and Flying
Ability: Shadow Tag – Prevents the foe from escaping.
|The user confounds the target with speed, then slashes. The attack lands without fail.|
|Numerous coins are hurled at the target to inflict damage. Money is earned after the battle.|
|The user plays rough with the target and attacks it. This may also lower the target’s Attack stat.|
|The user kisses the target with a sweet, angelic cuteness that causes confusion.|
The Programmer Pokemon
Height: 172.7 cm
Weight: 63.5 kg
A long, sinewy dragon, Xenorameme has insect-like limbs, a long, rounded head, and small, bat-like wings. Her voice is chipset music, and when she moves, sparks leap from her joints. Her attacks glimmer with computer data transmitted through electrical webs. She is keenly physical as well as mental and draws power from harm she receives or inflicts on herself in her combat-coding dance. Her long body and skill with knots means that she can restrain foes and more easily subject them to her will, and her draconic nature means that few can stand up to her power or her charms.
Types: Electric and Dragon
Ability: Anger Point – Raises Attack upon taking a critical hit.
|The user maximizes its Attack stat in exchange for HP equal to half its max HP.|
|Things such as long bodies or tentacles are used to bind and squeeze the target for four to five turns.|
|The user captures and attacks opposing Pokémon by using an electric net. It reduces the targets’ Speed stat.|
|The user rampages and attacks for two to three turns. It then becomes confused, however.|
By Pokémon logic, I have room for one more partner in my regular rotation before I have to start putting people in Bill’s PC. We’ll see what she turns out to be like, or if this metaphoric game overstretches itself in short order. May my next lover be good at dealing with Rock, Ghost, and Psychic types.
What’s your team like, poly friends?