Lovecraft Letters 9: Only Jobs

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"You should message me if 1) You have an iPhone (sorry, I don't date ladies who use other type of phone...I want to know that appreciate Apple products) 2) You are a lady between 22 and 35 and have a genuine big smile! 3) Respect/love your body the way it is 4) Have you own taste of fashion 5) Might enjoy my unique European/American mixed accent :) 6) Love working out at the gym (I won't date lazy lady)"
“You should message me if
1) You have an iPhone (sorry, I don’t date ladies who use other type of phone…I want to know that appreciate Apple products)
2) You are a lady between 22 and 35 and have a genuine big smile!
3) Respect/love your body the way it is
4) Have you own taste of fashion
5) Might enjoy my unique European/American mixed accent 🙂
6) Love working out at the gym (I won’t date lazy lady)”

APOLOGIES, MY YOUTHFUL CONVERSATIONALIST. I MUST KNOW SOMETHING. DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO DISCUSS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, STEVE JOBS? YOU SEEM LIKE SOMEONE WITHIN THE CRITICAL 22-35 DEMOGRAPHIC WHO APPRECIATES A FINE APPLE PRODUCT AND SO I WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOU ABOUT SIR JOBBINUS, JOBBER OF THE JOBS, WHOSE OPALESCENT FRUITS GLIMMER UPON OUR UNDESERVING FACES IN THE NIGHT.

WITH THE APPLE OF OUR I-THINGS IN YOUR LIFE, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SEE RADIO WAVES AND EAT REASONABLY-PRICED MUSIC STREAMS. YOUR BODILY MAINTENANCE WILL BE HANDLED BY A WARRANTY AND SKILLED PROFESSIONALS, AS BEFITS SOMEONE WITH SO FINE A CASING AS THE MIGHTY AND DELICIOUS STEVE JOBS COULD BESTOW UPON YOU. YOUR PRECIOUS INNARDS, BEAUTIFUL AND RESPECTED EXACTLY AS THEY ARE, SHALL BE PROTECTED BY THE FINEST AND HOLIEST OF PLASTICS, BEARING THE SACRED TOOTH-BITTEN SEAL OF JOBBO WHO LOVES U2 AND YOU, TOO.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TASTE OF FASHION, MY LOVELIEST OF FRUIT BUDS? IN THE INMOST VAULT OF THE MANZANERO, YOU SHALL EXPERIENCE YOUR OWN TASTE FOR THE LAST TIME AS YOU ARE FLOODED AND SUSTAINED BY THE SUMPTUOUS ICHOR OF SAINT STEVEN OF EMPLOYMENT, PATRON OF THE EXALTED FRUITPUTER. IT BRINGS JOY TO THE JOBINATOR TO ASSIMILATE THE OWN TASTE INTO HIS OWN TASTE, THE OWN INTO THE ONLY. YOU, TOO AND U2 CAN BRING JOY TO STEVARINO.

I HOPE MY MIXED EUROPEAN AND AMERICAN ACCENT HAS HELPED YOU UNDERSTAND THE SUBLIME SPLENDOR OF THE ETERNAL APPLE, RECEPTACLE FRUIT OF COSMIC LONGING. EVERY MESSAGE IS BETTER IN A MIXED EUROPEAN AND AMERICAN ACCENT, ESPECIALLY THE GOSPEL OF THE JOB THAT MUST BE JOBS. MAY MY ACCENT EASE YOU INTO THE HONOR AND THE BEAUTY AND THE GLORY OF THE ORCHARD OF JOBS.

UNLESS YOU ARE A LAZY LADY. LORD EMPLOYER OF THE FRUITING BODIES REFUSES THOSE WHO WILL NOT BRING HIS FINE PRODUCTS WITH THEM IN LITTLE SLEEVES TO RUN IN PLACE FOR HOURS AT A TIME, FOR HE DESIRES ONLY THE SUPPLEST AND MOST CAPABLE OF BODIES TO ENCASE IN HIS BEFRUITED SKINS. OTHERS WILL CONTAMINATE HIS HOLY GROVES AND BRING NUISANCE UPON HIS WARRANTIES. IF YOU DO NOT PUT IN YOUR GYM HOURS THEN THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU AMONG THE SAINTED BEATITUDES OF THE HIGHEST STEVEN CALLING, THE APPLE WHO WOULD BE GOD, THE SPITTED SEED OF OUR SHINIEST FUTURE, AND HE WILL CAST THEE OUT OF HIS PROMISED ROSACEAN EDEN INTO THE DESERT OF THE ANDROIDS AND THE DUNGEON OF THE WINDOWS.

THERE IS NO DATING. ONLY JOBS.

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Lovecraft Letters 9: Only Jobs
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4 thoughts on “Lovecraft Letters 9: Only Jobs

  1. 1

    Ah yes, Steve Jobs, the jerk who told left handed people not to hold the iphone with the right hand. After all, why would left handed people want to hold the phone with their right hand and a pen with their left hand? It’s not like left handed people have the need to writing anything down.

    Just don’t hold it that way’: Apple boss Steve Jobs offers his advice after complaints iPhone 4 loses reception when held

    Apple boss Steve Jobs has responded to complaints about the new iPhone 4 losing its signal by telling users to ‘just avoid holding it in that way’.

    […]

    Left-handed users are being particularly affected because when they hold the phone in their left hand their fingers cover more of the right-hand side of the phone – where the antenna is.

      1. Yes, and my apologies. Usually I check my words but I slipped up, my mind on recent events.

        On second reading, “inconsiderate and unthinking designer” would be a better description.

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