Men. What are they even? So many of them are so, SO bad at sending OkCupid and similar missives that one wonders if they aren’t any of various Lovecraftian monsters pretending at typewritten humanity in order to seduce lovely victims.
In this ongoing project, I take examples of dating-profile ridiculousness and weave it into the all-caps messages such eldritch abominations might send. Our first example is a little too solicitous of a contact’s eyes.
Elude Wojnowski I am in love with only your attractive eyes.nothingelse.so once again ‘re-consider my application before rejecting.
Holy birthday brother.wish you all success.
< Three successive thumbs-up in different sizes >
I HAVE BEEN ELUDED FOR FAR TOO LONG. I HAVE SLAVED OVER THE RACK AND THE CROSS AND THE CADAVER BIN FOR YEARS, SEEKING ONLY THE FINEST OF PARTS. THE FRUIT OF MY BRAIN-LOINS SHALL BE A CULMINATION OF MAGNIFICENCE, AN ENGINE OF STAR-CROSSED PERFECTION SET LOOSE UPON THE TRACKLESS WORLD.
IT SHALL BE AN ATTRACTIVE DISASTER.
I DESIRE YOUR EYES, ELUDE WOWNOWSKI. THEY ARE AN ATTRACTIVE DISASTER, LIKE A TRAIN EXPLOSION THAT INEXPLICABLY TAKES THE SHAPE OF SCARLET JOHANSSON PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS ON MEGAN FOX WHILE TWO RACIST ROBOTS SHOUT AT EACH OTHER ABOUT THE FINER POINTS OF 1970S ETHIOPIAN TAX LAW.
I RESUBMIT MY APPLICATION IN THE HOPES THAT YOU WILL RECONSIDER YOUR EARLIER REFUSAL TO GRANT ME THE BEAUTIFUL DISASTER OF YOUR EYES FOR MY FLESH-GOLEM OF SEXY CELEBRITY BODY PARTS GUIDED BY THE PRESERVED BRAIN OF MARGARET THATCHER, THE THYMUS OF GEORGE CLOONEY, AND THE GONADS OF SARAH PALIN.
ON THIS HOLIEST OF BIRTHDAY BROTHERS, ELUDE WOWNOWSKI, I DEISRE THE ATTRACTIVE DISASTER OF YOUR EYES WITH THE NIGHTMARISH MADNESS OF MY HEART.
ALSO, MY FLESH GOLEM IS KIND OF CREEPY WITH NO EYES.
PLEASE?
