There’s nothing like Christmas with the family to bring you peace, clarity, and a firm resolution to stop ripping everyone off. Or at least that’s what the makers of Christmas Caper would like us to believe. The real problem in Shannen Doherty’s (fictional) life is that she hasn’t spent enough time being forced to take care of kids, because those little buggers will reform anyone.
Yes, technically this Wednesday is November. Halloween will be over. But who are we to let the holiday go in a timely fashion when we could haul out a terrible, timely movie instead? So this month, mock William Shatner with us in Kingdom of the Spiders. Tarantulas won’t actually hurt you, but the overacting might be deadly.
No, not hackers. If only. Larceny isn’t even that. It’s a bad Dolph Lundgren film. No, not a bad film that has Dolph Lundgren in it. I mean a film on the bottom end of the Dolph Lundgren oeuvre. Yeah, that bad. We’re watching it anyway.
I have to admit that I resent this movie a bit. I quite liked Andre Norton’s The Beast Master when I was younger (no idea what I’d think of it today). The Beastmaster was supposed to be an adaption of the book. It’s so far from an adaptation of the book that Norton made them take her name off it. But it has ferrets, so I’ll watch it. I’m easy that way.
Pink Ladies, that is. And T-Birds.
No, we’re not mocking Grease. We’re mocking Grease 2, with the kind of relief one can only experience after a spring and summer of truly tedious badness. I mean, we’re going to watch something this month that isn’t good, but it doesn’t all have to hurt. We can have fresh-faced kiddies and pop songs sometimes.
There’s some irony in delaying this month’s movie due to the holiday. After all, what would be a better choice for U.S. Independence Day than Captain America?
What? No, not that Captain America. This Captain America. Yeah, we’re going to do it.
No, we’re not doing Iron Fist again. In fact, we’re still not entirely recovered from spending April on Iron Fist. So we’re going to clear the palates with some absolute trash. I can’t say I know what Alien Warrior (aka King of the Streets) is trying to do, but I know it’s not trying very hard. I’m completely okay with that. It’s a much easier fail to deal with.
This one is available on YouTube. Continue reading “Mock the Movie: Bad Kung Fu Edition”
It’s been a rough couple of months around these parts: oral surgery, unusual drug side effects, Trump administration. We’ve missed a couple of scheduled mockings. We’re more than due for pain of the artistic sort.
So we’re doing a special event for April. Starting tomorrow and going Wednesday and Sunday evenings until we’re either done or crying for mercy, we’re watching Iron Fist.
No, I don’t know how you put together a superhero trailer with zero dramatic tension despite an entire season of material either, but we’re going to find out. Feel free to join us. Definitely pity us. Here’s the viewing schedule:
- Wednesday, April 5, 9 p.m. EDT: “Snow Gives Way” and “Shadow Hawk Takes Flight”
- Sunday, April 9, 9 p.m. EDT: “Rolling Thunder Cannon Punch” and “Eight Diagram Dragon Palm”
- Wednesday, April 12, 9 p.m. EDT: “Under Leaf Pluck Lotus” and “Immortal Emerges from Cave”
- Sunday, April 16, 9 p.m. EDT: “Felling Tree with Roots” and “The Blessing of Many Fractures”
- Wednesday, April 19, 9 p.m. EDT: “The Mistress of All Agonies” and “Black Tiger Steals Heart”
- Sunday, April 23, 8 p.m. EDT (note different starting time): “Lead Horse Back to Stable”, “Bar the Big Boss”, and “Dragon Plays with Fire”
Mock one. Mock all. Mock the episodes that made you wish Marvel would do the Fantastic Four as a television series instead. We’ll be here for all of them.
Don’t worry. That could never happen. The Nazis are dead and gone. Dead Snow is just a fantasy movie we chose because it uncomfortably straddles the line between homage and cliche. No other reason. None at all. Whyever would you think this is topical. Or cathartic?
Sometimes, as skeptics, you get a little tired of taking it all seriously, of walking people through why something doesn’t make sense, through thinking about things critically. Especially when a big chunk of your country tells you they’re not listening. That’s when you turn to fiction, to something no one was supposed to believe no matter what the title cards say. I mean, that is how The Legend of Boggy Creek was made, right?