I fully and freely admit that the impetus for this month’s movie is wanting to watch Bruce Payne chew some scenery. It’s been a while. I have to admit we might be disappointed by Aurora Intercept, though. Not only does Payne play a hero(!!!) for once in his career, but there’s zero evidence of tooth marks in this trailer. Or dialogue, for that matter.
I have the strangest feeling that this is one of those movies we’ll need to take a break after, by which I mean watch something decent with special effects that mean well. We might even have to watch a good movie to take the tastelessness out of our mouths. But whatever. We’re watching Hell and Back anyway. Join us if you can handle it.
This one is on Netflix. Continue reading “Mock the Movie: Welcome to Hell Edition”
Once upon a time, before the internet, you could claim anything was a true story as long as you set it somewhere your audience would never go. Now, with the internet, you don’t even have to do that. But it does help in either case to set your “true story” somewhere that actually exists. The makers of Monstroid didn’t bother. This Tuesday, we’ll find out what else they skimped on.
This one is available on YouTube.
This is another post pulled from Facebook while I wasn’t blogging much. It took me a bit of time to figure out it was related to an attempt to repeal the Affordable Care Act. It could apply to so many things.
Once upon a time, there was a town dealing with a hungry dragon. It had all the usual elements of such a town, with scheduled sacrifices, princesses who were somehow exempt from the sacrifice, chaos among the town council, and a hero with a sword.
The dragon didn’t demand sacrifice terribly often. (Honestly, it probably would have preferred goats over village maidens, but no one had figured out how to ask. And after all, they were only maidens.) The timing was regular and long enough that the town eventually stopped panicking and started thinking. They built a fireproof shelter, losing only five maidens during construction. They built weapons (two more maidens, but who was counting).
During this period, the town hero made many rousing speeches. In fact, he spent so much time speechifying that he simply couldn’t help with any of the construction. Opinion is divided on whether the final maiden was lost for lack of labor, but debate is muted and sometimes condemned as helping the dragon.
Finally, everything was ready. The princesses, who had also been exempt from hard labor, of course, helped to provision the shelter. They trained on the weapons. (They understood that the supply of maidens was not unending.)
The hero showed up at the last minute. The walls of the shelter protected him from dragonfire as well as they did everyone else. As the weapons fired, he stepped outside. His sword landed hard on one claw of the harpoon-riddled beast.
“It is slain!”, he cried. Then the town boosted him into the air, carried him back to the square, and made him senator.
Murkowski and Collins are the heroes today. McCain is the guy who signed on at the end of the project, presented it and got all the credit.
— Jeff Yang (@originalspin) July 28, 2017
Netflix exec: All right. Tell me about the property.
Development assistant*: It’s called Death Note. It’s very popular in manga form for the—
Netflix exec: Who’s the protagonist?
Development assistant: Light Yagami. He’s a student who—
Netflix exec: What kind of name is that? We’ll have to change it.
Development assistant: I…noted. Change the name.
Netflix exec: Who is this kid?
Development assistant: As I said, he’s a student. He finds a book that kills people.
Netflix exec: And he has to figure out how to stop it?
Development assistant: Not…exactly.
Netflix exec: Well?
Development assistant: He uses it.
Netflix exec: An all-American kid like him? Hmm. We’re going to have to do something about that. All right. I think we’re done here. Next meeting!
- No, I have no idea what title belongs to the poor schmuck in this scenario. I have people I could ask, but I feel like that would be more effort than Netflix put in on getting things right.
This one is, of course, available on Netflix. Continue reading “Mock the Movie: Whitewashing Edition”
This month’s movie has absolutely nothing to do with the failed “raid” on Area 51. Nope. Not at all. I can’t imagine why you’d even think so. And if you don’t find me convincing, just wait until you see The Disappearance of Flight 412. Alas, this was a television movie, so we don’t have trailers for it, but please…enjoy this little introduction.
This month’s selection is available on YouTube. Continue reading “Mock the Movie: Nothing to See Here Edition”
This post will not be a paean to Ray Harryhausen, but only because Mock the Movie is not about good things. It is about people who look at a good thing and think they can do better just because they have more modern tools. Yes, we’re looking at you, Silicon Valley. We’re also looking at Clash of the Titans, of course.
This one is available on Netflix. Continue reading “Mock the Movie: Less Animated Edition”
Yonggary (or Reptile 2001 or The Reptilian) is not Godzilla, thank you very much. The monster is resurrected by aliens instead of being created by radiation, for one thing. Also…um…eh, it looks both worse and more fun to watch. We don’t really need more of an excuse than that.
I freely admit at the outset that the only reason we’re watching The Secrets of Emily Blair this month is that every picture I can find of Emily looking horribly, inhumanly, grossly possessed still features her in killer eye makeup. Really, that’s it. Well, I mean, it also looks terrible.
[Warning for strobe cuts at the end of this trailer.]
This one is available on Netflix. Continue reading “Mock the Movie: Stylish Possession Edition”
Feeling sad you missed May’s mocking? You didn’t actually. We had to cancel at the last minute. Watch with us this month instead.
We were feeling in need of one of those great Fifties and Sixties exploitation movies that ends up exploiting little more than its actors because it’s so confused about its subject. In this case, the subject is Satanism. Or paganism. Or voodoo. Or…oh, I don’t know. Come watch The Devil’s Hand with us and find out.