I had some things to say about shame while driving down to Skepticon. I did manage to save them until we switched drivers, at least, but then Twitter got an earful. Enough people shared the thread there that I’ll collect the whole thing here.
Some people try to make shame taboo. Aside from demonstrating a lack of self-awareness, this is wrong. Shame has a purpose.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Some people try to make shame taboo. Aside from demonstrating a lack of self-awareness, this is wrong. Shame has a purpose.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Elections, politics, decisions about how our society functions? This is exactly where shame has a role to play.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Shame is that emotion that tells us we’re failing our tribe. We’re not living up to our part of the social contract.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Some people may use a different word for this. I tend to consider that the kind of language drift that happens when we declare a concept unacceptable. I’m sticking with “shame” just like I stick with “privilege”.
Now, that can be abused. If you’re shaming someone for private behavior–musical tastes, what they read–you’re doing it wrong.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Shame is one of the most powerful social tools we have. If someone isn’t hurting people, leave that shit alone. (Yes, I’m applying shame.)
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
But shame, properly applied, is what makes people pause and think about what we owe each other when that’s needed.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
If you put our society at risk? If you make decisions that will kill people, hell, yes, I will shame you. I’ll grind your nose in it.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
And honestly, you want shame in those situations. The alternative is rules, laws. Shame is not authoritarian but exactly the opposite.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
This is why we make rules in situations where shame is already a complicated thing, as we do with sexual harassment. But rules and laws about who people vote for or otherwise support politically mean our political system would become exactly what we’re trying to avoid. Different tools for different situations.
If you look me in the face and call shame “making you” do something, I will laugh at you. That’s your conscience talking, dude.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
A little bit more about responsibilities in wielding shame. Power tools need protocols and safeguards. This is no different.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Shame is a *tool*. That means you have a goal when you use it. You don’t play with it.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Shame can paralyzing. That’s because it signals that your participation in society is at risk.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
If you want shame to work, to change behavior, shunning can’t be automatic. There has to be a way back based on the behavior you want.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
No individual is responsible for allowing people back into their society, but someone has to do it. The person who chooses to holds power.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
If you can decide to accept someone back after bad behavior, you become a gatekeeper. That may not be an option or what you want, but….
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
Sound Machiavellian? Power laid bare always does. It’s still power. Understanding it is often the only way to avoid abusing it.
— Stephanie Zvan (@szvan) November 10, 2016
This is a great explanation of shame. So refreshing after hearing a now ex-friend whinge about how wrong it is to shame his favorite celebrities for bigoted behavior because it was mean and hurt feelings (because the harm they caused anyone else didn’t matter). He seriously felt fucking Paula Deen didn’t deserve shame for being a racist. So glad that guy’s out of my life now. I also saw a book recently that seemed to be saying we shouldn’t be so quick to shame people for doing wrong (or possibly it’s just about how shame works today, but I can imagine most of its readers would interpret it as anti-shaming if that’s the case).
I so rarely see anyone so shamed apologize sincerely, which tends to end the shame. I know a lot of people feel like they’ve done nothing wrong and resist apologizing though; a lot of left-leading assholes like to think themselves perfectly enlightened on issues and can’t conceive that there’s always more to learn and improve.
This is a wonderful post. Thank you very much.
Although along with seeing the same resistance to shame that Fujimoto describes, I also see something like its inverse, where people get so overwhelmed by even the slightest amount of shame that they really do think that they’ve done irreparable harm and are now irredeemable and will be banished from their communities forever. And its an irrational belief for the most part, but that doesn’t stop it from paralyzing people into total inaction or from dealing with it by totally avoiding dealing with difficult or complex issues. And I struggle with knowing how to react to that (both when I see it and when I personally do it).
Say you are that miraculous unicorn not racist not misogynist Trump voter who didn’t anticipate the things that happened as a result: shame should be the least you should be feeling for the result of your action.
But if you’Re that proud MAGA Trump voter, how could I shame you?
Now, shame is a powerful tool and it must be wielded carefully. It is a tool of conformity. That is why, yes, you need to be careful about it. But honestly, I’m sick and tired of the “don’t judge, don’t condemn, don’t use mean words” brigade.
I prefer moral guilt to shame, though shamelessness is not a good thing.