Hold My Hand

I’m going to let y’all in on a little secret: I can be a bit of a ditz sometimes.

There’s a trait in Sims 3 called “Absent-Minded” which means the Sim will sometimes just forget that it was doing.  It me. It so me.

Which makes it super difficult for me when I’m working in a group for a Thing. I’ll get excited, pile on responsibilities…and flake out when yet again, I’ve taken on too much.  You name it, secular organizations, theater groups, Second Life roleplaying sims, I get burned out like a mofo quick.

It’s been a source of stress for me, which sometimes leads to me not doing anything.  Not signing up or showing up or getting involved in shit.  Which for someone who wants to do more, sucks rancid goat balls.

Once I got my poor folks insurance way back in 2009, and once I was settled in Minneasota, I started the path of “Okay, I know I’m depressed and shit makes me anxious, how do I fix it?”.  Said path was like those haunted house rides you see at the midway of carnivals.

Hey, Feminace, you’ve never been on those rides because sudden jumpscares make you cry.

Shut up.

Actually, “exaggerated startle response” was the first of many words I learned in this path. “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” was another. “Borderline Personality Disorder” was something I’d only heard of in that movie with Winona Ryder where one girl stashed rotten eaten chickens under her bed.  I knew what “PTSD” meant, but never thought it could ever apply to me.

And finally “Inattentive ADD”.

Whut.

I was a straight A student growing up. I never made a mess, and from ages 12 to 19 I was tasked with cleaning not just my room, but the entire house twice a week. My room – spotless.  Teachers loved me. Administrators gave me special projects to do, like raising the flag in the morning, which I did faithfully on time. How in all of the hells could I have ADD?

Insert some research of my own here, and little more there, and some more over yonder, and whelp, guess I was wrong.

My grades and cleanliness were expectations imposed on me – the second I got out of the house, I couldn’t keep my space clean to save my life.  As for my grades, a combination of never learning how to study, being in a major I didn’t want to be, and depression and anxiety lead to me nearly ending it all, and dropping out of college in the second year.

Now, even medicated up the wazoo (I have an app that lists all of the meds I’m taking), I have a hard time starting projects. My desk remains a mess, shoved over to make room for Weasel to demand pets and doze off.

Mostly importantly, I have a hard time doing shit that is expected of me. I hem and haw. I freeze, not knowing where to start. I flail, and then I flake.

As I try to understand the funhouse horror show/cast of characters that is how my brain works, I had to finally speak up.

When I was tapped to be part of this merry band of bloggers, I was asked if there were any accommodations that I would need to make working with these folks possible/easier.

And I spoke up, and plainly. “Look, I’m not good with keeping on task.  I need my hand held. I need to be checked in on.”

Saying it made me teary. It felt like admitting to being a failure as an adult who is supposed to have her shit together already.

But it wasn’t a problem. And so I started making it known to other things that I had to do that involved other people – my forum-based RP group, the party room committee for CONvergence, my own partner.

It’s never going to get more comfortable for me, but I hope that in the long run, I’ll be more reliable to others.

And since writing this is making me sad, I need something to cheer me up.  Y’all know what that means:

A Korean man, Xiumin from the group EXO, in a white sleeveless shirt on a black backgroud, rolls his head up and faces the right.
Ahh, just a spoonful of Xiumin makes the angsty go away…
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Hold My Hand

10 thoughts on “Hold My Hand

  1. 1

    I was sure this was going to be a Hootie and the Blowfish tribute post. 😛

    Seriously though, I understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes… okay, a lot of the time I have to ask my wife to sort of sit and watch me do things or I’ll never actually do them. Once I’m started I’m good for at least a bit, but the getting started? Not so much. I started cleaning my office almost 2 weeks ago, took a 10 minute break and haven’t done anything since.

    Our brains are dee Debbil, aren’t they?

    1. 1.1

      I was sure this was going to be a Hootie and the Blowfish tribute post. 😛

      And that was the point where I nearly spat out my drink. It was apple juice, Joe. Apple. Juice. I may almost never forgive you.

      Grr, fucking brains indeed. I’d poke mine with a q-tip, but that darn eardrum gets in the way.

  2. 3

    Don’t get too down on yourself, Niki. Despite any problems you have with staying on task, you have been the most prolific writer on The Orbit so far! You usually post every day, but slackers like Alex Gabriel and Ashley Miller post once a month! What’s their excuse? Keep up the good work, you are doing great at The Orbit!

    1. 3.1

      Well, most of my associates have things like jobs and social lives, so I envy them and their writing skills.

      Me? I’m an unemployed recluse with too many words in my head, so yeah I can get my words out with a quickness. I expect there will be a slowdown in my posting…eventually.

  3. 4

    I’d never read you before coming to the Orbit but I very much enjoy your unique voice. And I certainly understand over-commitment and subsequent burnout (as in been there done that . . . more than once). Then I learned how to say “no, sorry, but no.” And feel no guilt. Some of it’s age and not giving a damn anymore. Some of it’s knowing how things affect me and how to care for myself (this includes learning how to keep my stuff neat and clean). So now, I’m old and do as I please but I’m clean and neat(ish) and happy. I hope you will be, too.

  4. 5

    You’re not alone.
    I had to learn to deliberately tell my husband what I needed to do so there was an expectation. I still suck at just doing stuff that won’t affect others. Give me a group project and I’ll be your best friend because I’d never disappoint anybody.
    Just for myself? Meh…

  5. 6

    I’m quite able to stay on task when the result is important to me, but almost incapable of doing so when I don’t care about the outcome particularly. So, my living space is a horrible, permanent mess, but I’m capable of writing an MS thesis, creating artwork, cooking interesting meals, and so forth.

    I wasn’t always this way. Growing up, like you, I had strong expectations imposed on me. I got great grades, I kept the house clean, I participated in canning food, I often cooked much of dinner, I always cleaned up the kitchen… because those things were demanded. Now I load the dishwasher, and the hand washables can collect for a few days. I gave my canning stuff away a long time ago. The house gets cleaned not often enough. If I can see the floor through the cat fur, it isn’t time to vacuum yet. (Well, okay, that bit is hyperbole.) Laundry gets done when I get desperate for clean clothes. Taxes get done when the accountant warns me of immanent horrible consequences if I don’t get off my ass and do them.

    But I cared about graduate school, and made great grades. I care about various projects, and can throw myself into them for hours. I care about some goals I share with my husband, and we work hard on them together.

    So, I can totally relate to not being inclined to do stuff, and suffering the consequences.

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