“If I can’t have you, then…”

Dear readers-close your eyes for a moment. I want you to imagine yourself as someone different. Imagine for a second (ok, a little longer than a second), that you are a 24-year-old man. A 24-year-old heterosexual man.  A 24-year-old heterosexual man named Colin Kingston who works at GNC and aspires to be a businessman. You (well, you-as-Colin) have been dating a young woman (Kelsey Annese) for the last three years. Recently however, Kelsey broke up with you. Now, after three years, you-Colin Kingston-have obviously invested a lot in this relationship, so this breakup is devastating to you. You feel lost. You don’t know what to do. You need options. What options do you have?

  • learn to crochet
  • drown your sorrows in alcohol (since you won’t be drinking responsibly, get a buddy or call a cab)
  • go skydiving
  • take off work for a weekend, buy a gallon of ice cream and chocolate and binge eat while watching the favorite rom-coms you and your ex used to watch together
  • cry yourself to sleep for a week listening to Celine Dion’s ‘My heart will go on’
  • join a gym
  • delete her phone number, lose her address, and throw away all pictures of the two of you
  • buy an 8-ball and spend the weekend cleaning your house
  • tell your co-workers that they can take the week off and that you’ll work the next 66 hours by yourself, figuring that if you throw yourself into work, you can take your mind off her
  • take a vacation
  • go to Vegas
  • climb a mountain
  • run for public office (unless your idol is Donald Trump or Ted Cruz or, really, any of the Republican shitheads vying for the nomination)
  • decide to move on and hit the club with your buddies

Now, this is the point where you can open your eyes (although I guess you wouldn’t have been able to read all of the above with your eyes closed). Why? Because while YOU, dear reader, might have chosen any of the above (or something else completely), the real Colin Kingston did not make any of those choices. No, the real Colin Kingston decided to be a murderous shithead.

Continue reading ““If I can’t have you, then…””

“If I can’t have you, then…”
{advertisement}