Mock the Movie: Tough And Deadly transcript

Okay, so let’s start trying to get this archive back up to date. I have no idea how long it’ll be before I get all the transcripts up, but, here you are: Tough And Deadly, a Billy Blanks and Roddy Piper joint, brackets TM close brackets.

As this is their second outing together, they have apparently developed something of a rapport with one another that none of the mockers could help but appreciate. I recall this as being a fun movie and something of a palate cleanser after Ray Burks subjected me to Glitter.

Mock date August 6th, 2015.

@lousycanuck: @MockTM You don’t know what a relief this is going to be, after Glitter and Crossroads.
2015-08-06 01:00:18
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, peak 1980s logo.

What? 1995? Oh.
2015-08-06 01:00:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I genuinely love Piper, and I genuinely love Billy Blanks, and this premise sounds eminently mockable.
2015-08-06 01:00:49
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Hey, he’s dead!
2015-08-06 01:00:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Tough /and/ Deadly. Well la de dah.
2015-08-06 01:00:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM it’s very easy-listening for a thriller soundtrack
2015-08-06 01:01:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM now those fields are just begging for some crop circles
2015-08-06 01:01:35
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM This has the same kind of charismatic opening as ‘Manos’
2015-08-06 01:01:35
@szvan: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM *chokes*
2015-08-06 01:01:43
@leilah: @MockTM Aaa! I’m late!
2015-08-06 01:02:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Their editor was also responsible for adjusting spacing between letters.” “I get it.” “Because kerning–” “I GET IT.”
2015-08-06 01:02:17
@szvan: @MockTM Which U.S. city is sporting these European plates?
2015-08-06 01:02:26
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay, we get it. Lots of people were to blame for this movie.
2015-08-06 01:02:52
@lousycanuck: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM WHAT TOO SOON? /zoidberg
2015-08-06 01:02:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Good morrow, sir. I assume you are to be the badass of the day?”
2015-08-06 01:03:06
@szvan: @MockTM A German kiss, on the other hand, happens at ten paces.
2015-08-06 01:03:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Schnell! Schnitzel! Ja, Ja!”
2015-08-06 01:03:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look at all these OBVIOUS VILLAINS. Because they have FOREIGN NAMES
2015-08-06 01:03:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “A matter of great importance”
You’re not wearing a turtleneck…
2015-08-06 01:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Grappling hook gently placed, sir!”
2015-08-06 01:03:47
@CA7746: @MockTM These are some stealthy Ghostbusters.
2015-08-06 01:03:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM Alarms neutralized really frickin’ easily, apparently
2015-08-06 01:04:22
@CarlieP: @MockTM Is he wearing a white jumpsuit to blend in with the walls?
2015-08-06 01:04:34
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Sir, dinner is re-Uhhhh”
2015-08-06 01:04:34
@szvan: @MockTM “Um, do you know how much paramilitary uniforms cost?”

“Okay. How about we borrow outfits from janitorial?”
2015-08-06 01:04:55
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM MY TURTLENECK!!
2015-08-06 01:05:17
@CA7746: @MockTM RAILING KILL #ThatDeescalatedQuickly
2015-08-06 01:05:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What, no Wilhelm Scream?
2015-08-06 01:05:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM TATSUMAKISENPUKYAKKUU
2015-08-06 01:05:57
@szvan: @MockTM Why do they never use scenes like these to advertise
comfort-fit men’s pants?
2015-08-06 01:06:12
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Me: I can’t think of anything funny to say.

@Rowsdower30: Because you’re not funny.
2015-08-06 01:06:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM MIND THE UPHOLSTERY!
2015-08-06 01:06:25
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM NOT THE BEAST! NOOOOO
2015-08-06 01:06:45
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Railing kill!
2015-08-06 01:06:47
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM So the dart made him fight like Steve Urkel?
2015-08-06 01:07:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Thirty-six hours later, Blanks is still drugged but still managing to somehow kill dozens of bad guys.
2015-08-06 01:07:44
@szvan: @MockTM That’s actually pretty good timing for a flight to LA.
2015-08-06 01:07:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM LA, city of class!
2015-08-06 01:08:27
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He’s gonna shoot him with a Bit-O-Honey!
2015-08-06 01:08:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, you just finish that?” “Yeah, but I have five more crates under the bed. Well, they ARE the bed.”
2015-08-06 01:08:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Piper’s name is… ELMO?
2015-08-06 01:09:13
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Elmo says, Mr Noodle is doing lines!
2015-08-06 01:09:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM MY CRACK!!
2015-08-06 01:10:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No Tiny, I said let’s GO, not let’s FIGHT.
2015-08-06 01:10:28
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM I…paid…for…HBO…in…this…room!!
2015-08-06 01:11:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Just think, they’re doing … DOLLARS of damage to that furniture.
2015-08-06 01:11:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Come back Tiny. Elmo wants to fight you. He can’t be THAT threatening.
2015-08-06 01:11:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Tiny, you don’t want to do this. No, actually, *I* don’t wanna do this. I suck at ladders! Look at my ring record!!”
2015-08-06 01:11:36
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Banksy tags LA!
2015-08-06 01:11:42
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM did he say “produce” when he hit him?
2015-08-06 01:11:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm So…many…ladders…
2015-08-06 01:12:06
@szvan: @MockTM Why are the extended scenes of ladder-climbing butt *not* the wrestler?
2015-08-06 01:12:10
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Tiny’s last name is Cox
2015-08-06 01:12:10
@CyberLizard: @mocktm “Eat shit, Elmo!” Big Bird’s most frequently uttered sentence.
2015-08-06 01:12:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Tiny, you’re gonna have a stroke dammit! And if you don’t, I’ll punch you until I do!
2015-08-06 01:12:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Piper smiles to himself. “Yup, another clean kill.”
2015-08-06 01:12:59
@leilah: @mocktm “I’m still breathing!”
2015-08-06 01:13:05
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, the banter!
2015-08-06 01:13:36
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM BIG 90s CARS, FULL OF BIG 90s MEN!
2015-08-06 01:14:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Better do something about that diaper rash, huh?” “First, I told you that in confidence. Second, I powder. Thanks for the concern.”
2015-08-06 01:14:15
@CarlieP: @szvan @MockTM “ladder-climbing butt” is a pretty good description of the shots they used. 😀
2015-08-06 01:14:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shoot, a fellow could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!
2015-08-06 01:14:37
@szvan: @MockTM So, just how did it go over the edge already upside down?
2015-08-06 01:15:04
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM must…get…to…DQ…
2015-08-06 01:15:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, that’s going to mess up his impeccable crew cut.
2015-08-06 01:15:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And then he gets hit by a bus. COSMIC IRONY
2015-08-06 01:15:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Aw, so close.
2015-08-06 01:15:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Don’t check his pulse, fool! He hates when people do that.
2015-08-06 01:15:45
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, please. He’s already been run over once. What will once more do?
2015-08-06 01:15:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is he alive?” “Barely. We could finish the job now if you want, or wait til the hospital.”
2015-08-06 01:16:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Keep jovially pounding people’s shoulders. That’s good detectiving strategy.
2015-08-06 01:17:05
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Dr. Manbat- you’re needed in surgery, Dr.Manbat”
#StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 01:17:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I really hope her name’s Janine.
2015-08-06 01:17:53
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “My giant shoulder pads will get you all the information you need”
2015-08-06 01:18:02
@szvan: @MockTM Real Genius did this scene so much better.
2015-08-06 01:18:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So Piper’s name is also Freech? ELMO FREECH? Was there like a random name generator at play here?
2015-08-06 01:18:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Reichmann specifically requested Quicksilver. No Scarlet Witch, no bloody Toad. QUICKSILVER.”
2015-08-06 01:18:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Please break the seal on your files. And gaze upon the evil within.”
2015-08-06 01:18:59
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “double tap? Good job”
2015-08-06 01:19:00
@leilah: @mocktm Eeeeeeeeeeeee! I love James Karen!
2015-08-06 01:19:38
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @MockTM Better than “Zap Rowsdower”
2015-08-06 01:19:42
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is that the Paper Chase guy?
2015-08-06 01:20:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s in pretty bad shape. He had to take this movie and got passed over for leads in a dozen others.”
2015-08-06 01:20:36
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’m Doctor Five O Clock Shadow”
2015-08-06 01:21:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m Dr. Hardjaw. Dr. Man Hardjaw.”
2015-08-06 01:21:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hmm, these ligature marks suggest he was bound by a specific linen found only at Target.”
2015-08-06 01:22:05
@szvan: @MockTM In which Piper fights his own stunt double, who didn’t bother to change for the scene.
2015-08-06 01:22:23
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Now which one’s the Paper Chase guy?! I’m so confused!
2015-08-06 01:22:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dr. Goodguy, I’m Dr. Badguy. I’ll be consulting on this amnesia victim.”
2015-08-06 01:22:53
@szvan: @MockTM “Mr. Freech, we can’t help but notice that people around you frequently end up a story or more down.”
2015-08-06 01:23:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is the guy who tried to make you eat the bullet. It was… underdone.”
2015-08-06 01:23:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’d you find?” “More people to kill, mostly.”
2015-08-06 01:24:11
@szvan: @MockTM My prints weren’t on file until a few years ago. I was a ghost?
2015-08-06 01:24:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’re a ghost. And you know who that means I call.”
2015-08-06 01:24:48
@blakestacey: @szvan @MockTM Ooo OOOO oooooo!
2015-08-06 01:25:07
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM I mean, there were times I felt invisible.
2015-08-06 01:25:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Say what you will about Piper, he knows how high to wear the waist on a pair of jeans.
2015-08-06 01:25:39
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Wake up! It’s time to die!”
2015-08-06 01:26:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Pff. Toetag City is just a myth.
2015-08-06 01:26:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “-you’re next stop is Toe Tag City!”
Ya hoser
2015-08-06 01:26:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Hmm. Maybe I pulled you outta the hospital too early? Nah.
2015-08-06 01:27:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “No, I’m a multiple-contusion groupie.” [mellow sax plays]
2015-08-06 01:27:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dental plan… dental plan… dental plan…”
2015-08-06 01:27:37
@szvan: @MockTM Max Headroom did this scene so much better.
2015-08-06 01:27:47
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Quick Quick Slow Slow Quick… and now you’re cha-cha-ing!
2015-08-06 01:27:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick. Quick. Quick. That’s it! I LOVE CHOCOLATE MILK!”
2015-08-06 01:28:02
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s nice they coordinated their ties. Wouldn’t want to wear the same one.
2015-08-06 01:28:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Or D. REPTILIANS.”
2015-08-06 01:28:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sir, Quicksilver has been degaussed.” “And if he was magnetic, that would mean something.” #jokestolenfrommst3k
2015-08-06 01:28:50
@szvan: @MockTM Damn it. If only I’d known I could do anything I wanted before I was fingerprinted. I feel cheated.
2015-08-06 01:29:01
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I don’t know what I’m doing here- I’m an accountant from Milwaukee!”
2015-08-06 01:29:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh hell, this is the dream sequence where Uhura does the fan dance isn’t it!?
2015-08-06 01:29:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM We now rejoin a ninja movie, already in progress
2015-08-06 01:29:43
@szvan: @MockTM Somebody needs an overhead fan. Come on. It’s LA.
2015-08-06 01:29:52
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Jesus got tough livin’ in the streets, yo
2015-08-06 01:29:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That’s cute. Make fun of my coffee. I only put a LITTLE strychnine in it. For flavour!!”
2015-08-06 01:30:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM sure I’ve missed 1/3 of the movie, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter
2015-08-06 01:30:41
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM AWWW, they make SUCH a cute couple!
2015-08-06 01:30:48
@szvan: @MockTM Training montage!!!!
2015-08-06 01:31:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “what I got on the calendar today, eh?”
2015-08-06 01:31:23
@CA7746: @MockTM I seriously doubt his doctor recommended this.
2015-08-06 01:31:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I just had Tae Bo flashbacks #kickkickkick
2015-08-06 01:31:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Whaddaya got in mind?” “Ever see Rocky?” “And this’ll… help with my memory??
2015-08-06 01:31:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh please. Billy Blanks could ALWAYS outdo you, Piper.
2015-08-06 01:31:56
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Hey, that’s cheating, lifting his legs for him!
2015-08-06 01:32:01
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Oh man, are they gonna frolic in the waves like in Rocky?
2015-08-06 01:32:06
@DrRubidium: @mockTM Mo is jealous of Roddy Pipper’s highlights, tho
2015-08-06 01:32:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM I have to wonder if this is a medically sanctioned procedure
2015-08-06 01:32:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, I’ll admit, that was cute
2015-08-06 01:32:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ready for a little work?” “Hahahaha have you even caught your breath yet?”
2015-08-06 01:32:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Sexy sax-now it’s time for thee lovin’
2015-08-06 01:33:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I saw this same montage in Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV
2015-08-06 01:33:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Why’d you leave the cops?” “I was a loose cannon, all right? I was on the edge!”
2015-08-06 01:33:44
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM His head is healed already? Is he Wolverine?
2015-08-06 01:34:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Hey baby, let’s go back to my place and listen to some Vanilla Ice”
2015-08-06 01:34:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Trinidad thinks I’m here.” “The entire country? What a PR stunt.”
2015-08-06 01:34:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Mo’s Laura Ashley dress, y’all #DED
2015-08-06 01:35:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh hell, I forgot that girls exist AND that I don’t drink whiskey!”
2015-08-06 01:35:09
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM GIRL GOOD. FIRE BAD.
2015-08-06 01:35:18
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Drinking’s bad, m’kay
2015-08-06 01:35:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where’s the restroom?” “Outside, back wall of the alley.”
2015-08-06 01:35:40
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “You made my eyes cross, too!”
2015-08-06 01:35:55
@szvan: @MockTM Working theory: This movie was filmed in the 1980s but not released until some major stakeholder had died.
2015-08-06 01:35:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You made me spill my beer” is apparently the 80s movie equivalent of “you looked at me funny”
2015-08-06 01:36:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Durrrrrrrrrr
2015-08-06 01:36:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick! Quick! Yes, that’s it! MY NAME IS JACK B. NIMBLE!”
2015-08-06 01:36:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Undertaker’s fallen on hard times and has to hassle people for $10 at a time.
2015-08-06 01:37:03
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Well, that escalated quickly
2015-08-06 01:37:13
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM People were really bad at fighting in the 90s
2015-08-06 01:37:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this is the most ethnically diverse country bar in the history of bars and country music
2015-08-06 01:37:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the land of no fighting skills, Billy Blanks shall lead.
2015-08-06 01:38:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So… nachos?”
2015-08-06 01:38:20
@CA7746: @MockTM Maybe dude fell off a lotta cliffs?
2015-08-06 01:38:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Any idea where you learned to fight like that?” “Well, definitely not watching wrestling.”
2015-08-06 01:38:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I remembered something” “You used to wear a kilt”
2015-08-06 01:38:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM breaking an arm sounds nothing like that, FYI
2015-08-06 01:38:39
@CA7746: @MockTM C’mon, it’s like riding a bike. Show me how you ride a bicycle!
2015-08-06 01:38:59
@CarlieP: @mocktm Wow, that was a quick cut.
2015-08-06 01:39:03
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Ancient Fighting Shit is the name of my next band
2015-08-06 01:39:08
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ooh it’s like a ‘Dirty Dancing’ sequence!
2015-08-06 01:39:34
@CA7746: @MockTM I’m sorry. Wasn’t thinkin’.
*Slam*
Hey, that’s not very apologetic!
2015-08-06 01:39:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM DON’T SHAKE HIS HAND HE’S A HEEL
2015-08-06 01:39:45
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM 🎶Huuuungrryy eyesss🎶
2015-08-06 01:39:55
@szvan: @MockTM This scene won’t be remotely homoerotic.
2015-08-06 01:39:57
@CarlieP: @mocktm I’ve been trading meme jokes with my kid and have no idea what’s going on, but I’m mesmerized by his great hair.
2015-08-06 01:40:00
@CA7746: @MockTM Alright already, you got him agitated. He’s clearly unwilling to teach you how to kick.
2015-08-06 01:40:10
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM Neither is pro wrestling!
2015-08-06 01:40:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I said I’m I’m soory, ya hoser!”
2015-08-06 01:40:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Show me some of that ancient fighting shit.” ~ White guy
2015-08-06 01:40:21
@CA7746: @MockTM “What are you two doing!?”
It’s not what it looks like!
Elmo wanted a tickle.
2015-08-06 01:40:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM OH, JUST KISS ALREADY!
2015-08-06 01:40:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you two doing!?” “He’s teaching me how to kick! Apparently it involves punches!”
2015-08-06 01:40:35
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Not as good as when Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy kicked each others’ asses
2015-08-06 01:40:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I long for the fight scene in They Live.
2015-08-06 01:41:26
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Billy stole his shirt from the secretary…but he doesn’t fill it out as well
2015-08-06 01:41:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM I demand that cues be broken in this scene!
2015-08-06 01:41:55
@CanonicalKoi: @lousycanuck @szvan @MockTM Be gentle with the Rowdy One, terrible as that movie is. *shudders delicately*
2015-08-06 01:41:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Five hit combo! Wow! What’s got Piper all riled up tonight?
2015-08-06 01:42:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Yet another troubled bar in need of Patrick Swazye’s assistance.
2015-08-06 01:42:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “That slut was my sister”- heard daily in Florida
2015-08-06 01:42:35
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’s he gotta beat on the foley guy?
Hasn’t he suffered enough?
2015-08-06 01:42:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nice stick.” “Yeah, I guess. Never did that for me. But then I never swung it at nobody, so.”
2015-08-06 01:43:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wow, his penis really objects to being held when he pees!
2015-08-06 01:43:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He told me to tell you he was smiling.” “Really? I hate emotion!!”
2015-08-06 01:44:11
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Sir…I have homework- can I go now?
2015-08-06 01:44:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that mullet. That was a look. Not a good one.
2015-08-06 01:44:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Ouch, right in the knee. Don’t worry. Jogging will heal that right up.
2015-08-06 01:45:03
@CA7746: @MockTM *Wince* Now, you’ll need a round of jumping jacks too.
2015-08-06 01:45:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is that Jon Favreau?
2015-08-06 01:45:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Oh, wait, I totally had something for this. Uh… Don’t forget to floss!”
2015-08-06 01:46:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So am I finished with you gentlemen?” “Yeah, you’ve already pre-filed for Frequent Murderer Miles, filled the forms.. You’re good”
2015-08-06 01:46:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Milan, we have a slight problem. We prefer to handle this within the community. We have a … missing stair.”
2015-08-06 01:46:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM The Trump campaign headquarters is heavily guarded
2015-08-06 01:46:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s not the Community, it’s the Company! Sheesh.
2015-08-06 01:47:00
@szvan: @CanonicalKoi @lousycanuck @MockTM We mock with love.
2015-08-06 01:47:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM White man shoots somebody and he gets a copy of a report? Talk about watching whiteness at work.
2015-08-06 01:47:23
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM That’s how I always greeted guests when I worked at Disney
2015-08-06 01:48:01
@szvan: @MockTM Freech has a little bit of a problem with tracking motion on those big, long roundhouse kicks.
2015-08-06 01:48:01
@CyberLizard: @mocktm There’s a lot of people on their knees in front of Elmo. I’m just sayin’
2015-08-06 01:48:03
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the best thing about this movie is Phil Morris’ jawline
2015-08-06 01:48:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, wait, wait. This sucks. I’m supposed to win this fight! McMahon scheduled me to win!!”
2015-08-06 01:48:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM My dental work!
2015-08-06 01:48:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Let’s go to my friend’s house.” “To sort this out?” “Nah, he’s got a Super Nintendo.”
2015-08-06 01:49:19
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Let’s go to my friends house- he has a pool”
2015-08-06 01:49:31
@CyberLizard: @mocktm So @Rowsdower30 just took off her underwear. I’m not sure of the significance of this…
2015-08-06 01:49:39
@lousycanuck: @CyberLizard @MockTM @Rowsdower30 Look. It’s Piper, AND Billy Blanks. I’M about to.
2015-08-06 01:50:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Nah, didn’t happen. Less there’s something in it for him. Or it’s true love.”
2015-08-06 01:50:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Predator-Vision!
2015-08-06 01:50:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Opa!!”
2015-08-06 01:50:34
@CyberLizard: @mocktm HAY, he blinked!
2015-08-06 01:51:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Ooh is he going to pose in each room?
2015-08-06 01:51:37
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @CyberLizard @MockTM As long as it’s not Joe Don Baker…
2015-08-06 01:51:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ahh! Ahh! Ugh! Ahh!” *bang bang bang* “Ah, a good clean silent kill.”
2015-08-06 01:52:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I call this move Monkey Tosses Bookshelf”
2015-08-06 01:53:07
@szvan: @MockTM I hate it when our heroes forget they know how to fight.
2015-08-06 01:53:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s hell on Formica.
2015-08-06 01:53:25
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM My Hummel figurines!!
2015-08-06 01:53:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM no trained law enforcement agent hold their gun like that
2015-08-06 01:53:41
@szvan: @MockTM Someone in the production company owned shares in sugar glass.
2015-08-06 01:53:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ow ow ow owie splinters owie owie
2015-08-06 01:53:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Guys, I’m really tired. One of you’s going to have to watch.” NO INNUENDO HERE NOPE NOPE
2015-08-06 01:54:19
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “One’a you guys is gonna have to watch….me shave my legs”
2015-08-06 01:54:54
@CyberLizard: @mocktm @lousycanuck If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told that…
2015-08-06 01:54:55
@szvan: @MockTM Montage of boring shoe-leather PI work!
2015-08-06 01:55:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well you got anything?” “Publisher’s Clearing House. We may have already won a million dollars!”
2015-08-06 01:55:00
@CarlieP: @mocktm “I could live for a year on what he spends on his phone bill.” Ha – remember back when long distance cost extra?
2015-08-06 01:55:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What numbers did he call before that? Did they start with 555? A PATTERN!”
2015-08-06 01:55:47
@szvan: @MockTM “I remember this number!”
2015-08-06 01:55:47
@CarlieP: @mocktm Know what makes for compelling tv? Combing through phone records.
2015-08-06 01:55:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm 555-0000? Really?
2015-08-06 01:56:23
@CarlieP: @mocktm If the pay phone was busted, how… never mind.
2015-08-06 01:56:41
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I woulda noticed a tail” “I’m REALLY into furries”
2015-08-06 01:56:43
@szvan: @MockTM I mean, how many black guys are there in LA?
2015-08-06 01:57:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “CI-fucking-A? This is Canada! I mean…LA!”
2015-08-06 01:57:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No. No mocking. The gate scene was absolutely fucking gold. That is Indy shooting the guy gold.
2015-08-06 01:58:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, great, the deserted industrial zone level!
2015-08-06 01:58:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “was they bandits?” Yeah, that word hasn’t been popular in, like, 100 years
2015-08-06 01:58:55
@szvan: @MockTM I always wanted an ankle holster in the days of skinny jeans.
2015-08-06 01:59:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM STEALTH LOUD BARREL ATTACK
2015-08-06 01:59:13
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’ll go around the back, you go around the front”
They have such cute names for sex
2015-08-06 01:59:24
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM I’ve played this level!
2015-08-06 01:59:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa, whoa, foreign objects! RING THE BELL REF!
2015-08-06 02:00:10
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Heellpp! I’m…I’m STUCK!”
2015-08-06 02:00:11
@CyberLizard: @mocktm So he’s going to attack with his junk?
2015-08-06 02:00:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He’s presenting like a mandrill!
2015-08-06 02:00:22
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM RAILING KILL!
2015-08-06 02:00:59
@szvan: @MockTM What is it with this movie and fighters in cut-rate Carhartts?
2015-08-06 02:01:05
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Please don’t use those stairs!”
2015-08-06 02:01:13
@CarlieP: @mocktm WHERE DID HE GET THAT GUN FROM
2015-08-06 02:01:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Spray and pray is statistically grossly unlikely to actually kill a hero. And yet every movie villain from the 80s and 90s tries it.
2015-08-06 02:01:44
@szvan: @MockTM Wait, is Piper facing his stunt double again?
2015-08-06 02:01:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM wait, when did Billy change his shirt again?! The wardrobe bill must have been MONSTROUS!
2015-08-06 02:02:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, snap.
2015-08-06 02:02:09
@CarlieP: @mocktm This is like that scene in Shawn of the Dead when they met the other matching gang.
2015-08-06 02:02:13
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’d Elmo have THAT CD?
2015-08-06 02:03:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you doing?” “Just putting on some music for a little sexual healing.” “This the best you can do?” *puts on Barry White*
2015-08-06 02:03:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ahh, the acid washed denim button down shirts…I miss the 90s
2015-08-06 02:03:16
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, boys in high-waisted acid washed jeans. Those were the days. Of something.
2015-08-06 02:03:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Harrison Ford did that scene better
2015-08-06 02:03:17
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Really? We’re going to with the stereotyping black/white music?
2015-08-06 02:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “HEY HEY MOVE AWAY FROM THE STEREO. No more white people music!”
2015-08-06 02:03:46
@CarlieP: @mocktm “Dreeeeam weaver, I believe you can get me through the niiiight…”
2015-08-06 02:03:48
@leilah: @mocktm That love scene music was a bit worrying.
2015-08-06 02:03:53
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM you know these kids with their hippity hippity music
2015-08-06 02:03:57
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Someone’s gonna make sweet love to some chop suey
2015-08-06 02:04:47
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM AWWW, a baby MRA!
2015-08-06 02:05:16
@CyberLizard: @mocktm @Rowsdower30 IT’S A TRILBY!
2015-08-06 02:05:35
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM They’re super serious about their Splenda shipments
2015-08-06 02:05:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *bang bang* “Oh, boys roughhousing again. BE SERIOUS, GUARDS, WE GOTTA GUARD THIS PLACE FROM GOOD GUYS”
2015-08-06 02:06:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM And he goes off to do this by himself because movie climax
2015-08-06 02:06:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Yeah, whatever. *sigh* Oh why must I love that asshole.”
2015-08-06 02:07:04
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ryan Reynolds in a bad mustache?
2015-08-06 02:07:31
@leilah: @MockTM “Or I’ll plug you right now.” Who knew this movie would be so frank about its homoeroticism?
2015-08-06 02:08:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm They just don’t make security goons like they used to.
2015-08-06 02:08:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And THAT’S how you do a chair spot!!”
2015-08-06 02:08:34
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is his head gone?!?
2015-08-06 02:08:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM DO NOT QUESTION THE CHAIR LEG OF TRUTH!
2015-08-06 02:08:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Her car antenna has a ball at the end.
Wouldn’t want to poke an eye out when you’re roughhousing.
2015-08-06 02:08:54
@CarlieP: @mocktm I like how they’re in matching blue denim outfits.
2015-08-06 02:09:19
@lousycanuck: @CarlieP @MockTM It’s like a best-buds uniform! And/or a using the same wardrobe to dress in the morning uniform. 🙂
2015-08-06 02:09:51
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I miss my acid-washed denim jacket 🙁
2015-08-06 02:09:51
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Hey, I was just gonna get some Doritos from the machine!”
2015-08-06 02:09:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Ew. He stepped in goon pee!
2015-08-06 02:10:07
@CA7746: @MockTM *Foley tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:10:28
@spindyk: @MockTM I wonder what they do if they run out of suitcases to put the money in.
2015-08-06 02:10:39
@szvan: @MockTM Aww. He hides so well.
2015-08-06 02:10:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You can tell they’re supposed to be stealthy by all the background tinkle. @CA7746 o
2015-08-06 02:11:02
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM You know that closet is full of various shades of denim shirts.
2015-08-06 02:11:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM When do the sparkly vampires show up?
Wrong movie? …oh
2015-08-06 02:11:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM That’s a lot of money back now #StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 02:11:56
@CA7746: @MockTM One black, one white? Just look for denim!
2015-08-06 02:12:01
@szvan: @MockTM “Two men. One black, one white. A little matchy-matchy in the denim outfits.”
2015-08-06 02:12:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I am suddenly gripped with an irrepressible urge to learn how foleys make a tinkling sound effect.
2015-08-06 02:12:32
@CarlieP: @mocktm LET’S DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE OF DIFFERENT RACES BUT ON THE SAME TEAM BY SAYING IT OUT LOUD
2015-08-06 02:12:33
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “one black, one white!”
“No, they’re NOT penguins!”
2015-08-06 02:12:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “SHUT UP HAT GUY.”
2015-08-06 02:12:46
@CA7746: @MockTM *Bang bang bang* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:13:14
@CyberLizard: @lousycanuck @mocktm Pretty much what most everyone says to every gamergater ever
2015-08-06 02:13:15
@szvan: @MockTM It’s so good that they managed to teach each other stealth by the movie’s climax.
2015-08-06 02:13:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “NOTHING goes out of here til I get my money. Except me. And Dennis. And possibly oxygen. Birds. Bullets.”
2015-08-06 02:14:02
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Awww yeeeeah, the soundtrack kicks in
2015-08-06 02:14:19
@szvan: @MockTM The sound mixing makes it just a wee bit obvious that this movie doesn’t value its dialogue.
2015-08-06 02:14:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wheeeee!
2015-08-06 02:14:35
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I REGRET NOTHING!!!
2015-08-06 02:14:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM PEW PEW PEW, Ah-ah-ah! Thank goodness I turned the sound up so I could hear the dialogue.
2015-08-06 02:14:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM NOT THE SPLENDA!!!
2015-08-06 02:14:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM SHORYUKEN
2015-08-06 02:14:58
@szvan: @MockTM Come on. We need poofs of coke with every punch!
2015-08-06 02:15:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm Fun fact: tea is packed in those same cardboard/metal barrels. We had some at home from the Nestea plant my grandma worked at.
2015-08-06 02:15:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait. That toll cabinet just fell and hit Blanks on the back and he gave not a shit. He no-sold the same thing he hit the dude with!
2015-08-06 02:15:36
@CA7746: @MockTM *BOOM* *Thwack* *Dudduleeoo* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:15:55
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM It’th a spthore gun! #Nonsequiter #StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 02:16:08
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Um, didn’t he already figure out he’s CIA?
2015-08-06 02:16:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You mean I’m CIA?” “You mean you don’t know? I mean, uh, I don’t know! Shit! The gig is up!”
2015-08-06 02:16:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You mean I’m CIA? Well, I *was* not there on the stair.”
2015-08-06 02:16:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why is anyone taking orders from you, Hat Guy? Pssh. I’ll find them on my own time.”
2015-08-06 02:16:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm Where are all these grenades coming from?!
2015-08-06 02:16:59
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wheeeeeeeeee!
Mommy look I’m flying!!
2015-08-06 02:17:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Backflip trumps bulletspray every time
2015-08-06 02:17:25
@CyberLizard: @CarlieP @mocktm It’s like playing Uncharted. They just pressed triangle to pick them up!
2015-08-06 02:17:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, the roll away from stomp trope.
2015-08-06 02:17:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Wait to shoot at me till I kick the gun out of your hand! Good job!
2015-08-06 02:17:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Too bad this is not Wide World of Sports.”
2015-08-06 02:18:10
@szvan: @MockTM Uh, where’d the shovel go? Into the land of inconvenient props?
2015-08-06 02:18:19
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Maybe all the suits I’ve worn are ill-fitting, but you can’t lift your arms, much less do spin-kicks in them without tearing
2015-08-06 02:18:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Holy shit. This movie is basically a crap The Bourne Identity, but IT CAME FIRST
2015-08-06 02:18:39
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM You’re the one who stole my mousse, didn’t you?!
2015-08-06 02:18:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think you’re fucked here Jake.” *choke* “Okay, no, sorry, I’m fucked.”
2015-08-06 02:19:27
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that right there was an advanced Tae Bo move
2015-08-06 02:19:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Explain it to them. With bullets. It’s the only language they understand.”
2015-08-06 02:19:50
@CyberLizard: @mocktm BLACK HELICOPTERS!!! The gubmint is here!!!1!
2015-08-06 02:20:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Explain it to them!” [fires machine gun] “No, no, I meant think of a clever turn of phrasing!”
2015-08-06 02:20:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Explain it to them”
“No! I meant go down there and draw a diagram, not shoot!”
2015-08-06 02:20:14
@szvan: @MockTM Wait! The movie’s almost over and we haven’t blown everything up yet!
2015-08-06 02:20:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, we can’t resolve things yet! We still have all this BUDGET TO BLOW!”
2015-08-06 02:20:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Ouch, I landed on my keys!
2015-08-06 02:20:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “sorry- you had a bug on your shirt”
2015-08-06 02:21:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey.” *punch* “Frankie says relax.”
2015-08-06 02:21:41
@szvan: @MockTM “Sir? We seem to have blown our Excess-O-Meter.”
2015-08-06 02:21:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH HOLY HELL BLANKS PICKED HIM UP BY THE NIPPLES
2015-08-06 02:22:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie is about five years too late for the sheer amount of denim and cocaine on display
2015-08-06 02:22:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Two nutshots, really?
2015-08-06 02:22:25
@CA7746: @MockTM Drop your weapons! You have 20 seconds to comply.
2015-08-06 02:22:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM No quippy line with that face kick?
Like “You want fries with that?”
2015-08-06 02:22:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM LOL! Back when people still went through the charade of taste testing cocaine. How quaint.
2015-08-06 02:22:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Haha, he brought a gun to a gunship fight.
2015-08-06 02:22:52
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Hey, we’ve got like 10 squbs left. What should we do with them?
2015-08-06 02:23:05
@CA7746: @MockTM *BOOOOOOOM* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:23:06
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Splenda is highly flammable, doncha know
2015-08-06 02:23:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You all right?” “Yeah, people offered to take me to the hospital but we haven’t done the denouement yet.”
2015-08-06 02:24:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He would NOT stop singing “Shake It Off!”
2015-08-06 02:24:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sizeable and tax-free.” “Does it come in penis form?”
2015-08-06 02:24:39
@szvan: @MockTM If he doesn’t share with Mo, I’m going to have to have words with him.
2015-08-06 02:24:48
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’ll take my payments in kilts”
2015-08-06 02:24:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I like my compensation like I like my men: sizable and tax-free
2015-08-06 02:24:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM Aww. He doesn’t want to be apart.
2015-08-06 02:25:11
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wait…was there a PLOT to this movie?
2015-08-06 02:25:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That was an absolutely glorious movie. Everything I ever want in a love story.
2015-08-06 02:25:29
@CarlieP: @mocktm “What do we have to score the background music?” “Used up the budget on explosives, can only afford the chimes”.
2015-08-06 02:25:42
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM +1
2015-08-06 02:25:54
@szvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Plus a wisecracking woman!
2015-08-06 02:26:03
@CarlieP: @mocktm The girl doesn’t even make an appearance at the end?
2015-08-06 02:26:27
@CA7746: @MockTM If you listen closely, there’s a whole orchestra accompanying the chimes. I assume.
2015-08-06 02:26:41
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM That is exactly how I’m positioning this transcript. A love story between Piper and Blanks with a wisecracking sidekick woman
2015-08-06 02:26:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Not the worst Roddy Piper movie I’ve even seen, just the second Roddy Piper movie.
2015-08-06 02:27:44
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM I can just imagine the nightmares I’ll have
“Denim…sax music…Billy Blanks no!”
2015-08-06 02:28:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That has all but made me forget Hell Comes To — AH HELL I REMEMBER IT NOW
2015-08-06 02:28:16
@lousycanuck: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM Nightmares… or night-awesome-sex-dreams?
2015-08-06 02:29:09
@szvan: @MockTM Now I want to watch the other Roddy Piper-Billy Blanks movie.
2015-08-06 02:29:27
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @MockTM I’ll end up dry-humping @CyberLizard murmuring “Mmm training montage”
2015-08-06 02:30:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OKAY, SHOW’S OVER, THERE ARE NO AFTER CREDITS SCENES WITH THEM MAKING OUT TENDERLY
2015-08-06 02:30:51
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @Rowsdower30 @MockTM Doin’ the the denouement…
2015-08-06 02:30:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Urbandictionary has no entry for “denouement”. #Disappointed
2015-08-06 02:35:38
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Sorry. You can create one though. But chances are unless it digs at feminists, it won’t get upvoted.
2015-08-06 02:36:29
@lousycanuck: @DrRubidium @MockTM Were you not in on Hell Comes to Frog Town?
2015-08-06 02:36:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Good news, everyone. I found a free (with ads) Masters of the Universe. DOLPH LUNDGREN AS HE-MAN. COME ON!! http://t.co/SCoG0oeERi
2015-08-06 02:37:32
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @MockTM http://t.co/jrc4146mXa
2015-08-06 02:39:30

Mock the Movie: Tough And Deadly transcript
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Frivolous Friday: the Cadillac of Boxed Mac And Cheese

image
A Canadian favourite. President's Choice White Cheddar Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese Dinner

Folks, that is what I am having for lunch today. Only Canadians or Canadian-adjacent people know the comparative glory of this particular no-name-brand boxed mac and cheese. If Kraft Dinner ain’t your thing, this is not an alternative to take lightly.

I order it from Canada by the case.

Yes, seriously.

And no, before you ask, the President’s Choice imprimateur shouldn’t be Prime Minister, because it’s the president of the grocery company they’re referring to. This is the Loblaws (and other grocery chains) store brand.

Frivolous Friday: the Cadillac of Boxed Mac And Cheese

Ethical Gamer: Undertale

That’s it. I’m doing the big one. The one I’ve been waiting to talk about for a long time.

But, I’m going back on my word — in the last installment of Ethical Gamer, I said I was going to have a bad time. Couldn’t do it. Not sorry.

There are a number of reasons why I couldn’t, but the biggest reason is, there’s a meta-narrative woven into the texture of the game that works in such a way that I can’t bring myself to actually press that reset button.

This game is impossible to discuss from a morality standpoint without heavy, HEAVY spoiling. If you haven’t played it, it’s $10, it’ll take you about 10 hrs to play through to the “good ending”, and longer if you decide you want to also see the “bad ending”. And it is worth literally every penny, I swear to you. If you are a video gamer of at least the SNES era, this is aimed square at you — you are its target audience, and it’s a love letter to everything you love about video games. But the why of it all, I honestly can’t tell you without spoiling the game, so I’ll be doing this below the fold.

Fair warning. Don’t click here if you haven’t played it.

THIS ESPECIALLY MEANS YOU, LUX. Do NOT click! Ah, ah, I saw that! Go finish your Lux Play instead.

Continue reading “Ethical Gamer: Undertale”

Ethical Gamer: Undertale

Giving up my invisibility

CN: anxiety and all the symptoms entailed, including ideation of death. Below the fold.

Photo by DasWortgewand - wiremesh head CG image.
Photo by DasWortgewand – wiremesh head CG image.

In light of “Autism Awareness Month” and all the bullshit that underprivileged neuroatypical folks go through when the focus is on “awareness” instead of acceptance, I’m going to explain why I give a damn about disability despite being seemingly in possession of the full royal flush of privileges, including appearing to be neurotypical. It turns out, I’ve been using my invisibility on one axis as a crutch for a very long time. So, I’m going to proverbially bleed on the page a little, if you’ll indulge me.
Continue reading “Giving up my invisibility”

Giving up my invisibility

A strange confession

Welcome to Frivolous Friday!

Frivolous Fridays are the Orbit bloggers’ excuse to post about fun things we care a lot about that may not necessarily have serious implications for politics or social justice. Although any day is a good day to write about our passions outside of social issues, we sometimes have a hard time giving ourselves permission to do that. This is our way of encouraging each other to take a break from serious topics and have some fun.

I have a confession to make. A totally PG, totally legal, totally “nothing to be ashamed of” confession, that’ll likely make the majority of you scoff and say “so?” and some other fraction of you decide this isn’t the post for you.

That confession is: I take baths.
Continue reading “A strange confession”

A strange confession

But where do we dine?

Dining room table, covered in junk described below.

A candid-ish peek into our lives. Our dining room table. Contents: one semi-complete Legend of Zelda anniversary jigsaw puzzle, various computer parts and tools, a pair of glasses, a 64 pack of crayons, zero space for dining.

This is me blogging, instead of fretting about various outstanding blog issues! Hello!

(I omit the fact that this is an attempt to test my freshly reflashed phone’s WordPress app’s ability to connect to our freshly launched website of course.)

But where do we dine?

OpenDyslexic font option for dyslexic The Orbit readers

For those of you who have difficulty reading seriffed fonts, or who would prefer to use the OpenDyslexic font but aren’t on a computer you control, we’ve installed the ability to switch all the fonts on the site to something a little more readable for you.

Caveats:

– You must be logged in to the site, or else we don’t know to deliver the pages to you in that font. You may log in either with local credentials, or via the WordPress.com Single Sign On.
– This obviously only affects fonts that are text, not ones that are part of images like blog banners, etc.

When you’re logged in, click the Key icon and click Edit my profile. Or, go here. ETA: that will only work for some small fraction of you — best to use the key link or the WP Admin bar where it says “Howdy, Yourname”.) Choose an option (probably to use on both the website and the admin) under the OpenDyslexic header, scroll to the bottom, and click “update”.

From then on, any time you’re logged into the site under your account, you’ll have all the pages rendered to you with the OpenDyslexic font, like so:

opendyslexic-option-gretasblog

Additionally, since apparently this is not common knowledge among those who have need for such options, most modern browsers provide you with the ability to change the font size on the page you’re viewing. Either hold the Ctrl (or Command on a Mac) key on your keyboard, and use the mousewheel to zoom in and out, or hold Control and hit the Plus or Minus keys (next to the Backspace/Delete key, or on your number pad). This will work in Internet Explorer, Edge, Chrome/ium, Opera, Firefox and Safari, though the specific key combination may be different in your version, so look around in the View menu. Those of you who feel the font is too large (or, at least in one case, too SMALL, despite our default being significantly larger than many other sites) are encouraged to use that zoom function to set your browser settings to something comfortably readable. If you’re absolutely stumped for how to do so, let me know what browser you’re in, and I’ll try to find an option for you.

We take accessibility concerns very seriously here, and if you have any issues to report, please let us know however you can — either in comments on this post, by the email I’ve provided in my header, or by the tech issues form, for instance, but I’ll take bug reports by carrier pigeon if need be. We can’t accommodate every request, especially conflicting requests, so we aren’t about to make radical changes to our default theme that may alienate some other users without a very compelling reason to do so (so please keep your “can you change all the fonts everywhere to Papyrus 64pt red on dark-red” troll requests to yourselves, thanks!), but any issues with, for instance, screen reader software can be dealt with without impacting other readers negatively.

OpenDyslexic font option for dyslexic The Orbit readers

CloudFlare plugin breaks WordPress repeatedly

Cloudflare is a reverse proxy service that protects hundreds of thousands of websites, The Orbit included, from attacks like DDoS, spam, brute force, and various other exploits. Without it, in the adversarial environment that the Internet happens to be for social justice oriented folks, we would be crushed under the weight of people desiring to silence us. So, they’re doing us a great service, and we are indebted to them.

HOWEVER.

Yesterday, after a major vulnerability was discovered in the Cloudflare plugin for WordPress, which could allow sites to be cross-site scripted (a method that might allow you to inject bad code into a site “from the side”), it seems as though they panicked and decided to encode *all* POST and GET data, which caused a major set of problems. People trying to edit posts found every non-alphanumeric character turned into an HTML entity (“:” instead of “:” for instance). Then those entities were being reencoded again (“:”).

Over and over and on and on, the posts were getting more and more corrupted. And that wasn’t the only thing that was busted — admins were being told they didn’t have permissions to access certain pages, because the links to those pages were having parts of themselves converted to HTML entities as well. End users could see the site, but admins were fully hamstrung. Greta was working on Steven Universe episode 8 and got stopped short, emailed me to find out what broke, and to my horror, the auto-updated plugin for Cloudflare was actually hampering my ability to do anything in the WordPress admin. I thought we were in serious trouble, but I tracked it back to the plugin which had just updated to version 1.3.21. I pulled out an older version from Sunday’s backups, 1.3.20, and the problem was resolved. Then I found out WHY they’d updated it, and apparently there are such hacks in the wild right now.

So. Rather than risk getting us hacked, when they quickly released 1.3.22 to fix how they broke half of WordPress, I let it install that version.

Overnight, they’ve since updated to 1.3.23 to fix how they send things back to Cloudflare to pre-detect spam. So they made a giant mess and they’re clawing back at it right now.

There’s a problem that several people are reporting presently, that they can’t post comments while not logged in by submitting their email addresses — because the email address never validates. Clearly this is because the Cloudflare plugin is trying to sanitize that variable as well, incorrectly. Other blogs are also having this issue, as seen here: ERROR: The email address isn’t correct. (4 posts) and here: ERROR: The email address isn’t correct. (3 posts). This problem isn’t just impacting The Orbit, but any WordPress site that uses Cloudflare.

But because of the terrible nature of what they’re fixing here, we kind of have to ride out this storm. I could try to implement my own bugfix for this, e.g. by removing email address validation, but that would have other negative impacts on the rest of the site.

For now, please log in to make comments. Sorry for the inconvenience. Hopefully they’ll fix this issue too, as soon as possible.

This is a disaster and it was entirely avoidable through proper QA of the plugin before it being released. The rapid fire nature of the plugin updates speaks to a sort of panic to address the initial vulnerability, which is laudable, but a lack of foresight as to what kind of impact specific changes might make to the rest of the service. Those of us who rely on the plugin should not be stuck choosing between being hacked, being entirely unprotected against DDoS and spam, or having people be able to comment.

UPDATE: they released an update which properly namespaces their variables and only sanitizes those variables, so things should finally be under control. This is why you don’t release plugin updates into production without testing.

Try again to comment, please, folks.

CloudFlare plugin breaks WordPress repeatedly

Front page broken briefly…

I’m not sure how, but performing some fairly standard WordPress operations ended up effectively destroying several tables on the main blog which runs the front page operations. I’m restoring them from backups, though AWS’ backups strategy involves creating a whole new DB instance so it’ll take a little longer than I’d like. Luckily, all the individual blogs are fine while the front page is a mess.

Ergh.

*Update* All clear. Front page’s mangled tables restored from backup. Still can’t find the exact reason they corrupted to begin with, but nightly backups are working just fine, so that’s good at least.

*Update 2* Wonderful, there were side effects that deleted many images from the S3 storage. We know what happened, and how to prevent it from happening again, but in the meantime, fixing this particular mess involves re-uploading the now-missing images. Everyone affected knows about it and will be fixing as soon as they can. Shaking out the bugs, just shaking out the bugs…

Photo by Freidwall

Front page broken briefly…

Working on front page featured images

The front page may be a bit spartan while I try to work out how to force it to use a specific size of thumbnail, and how to go back in time and force regeneration of that size of thumbnail across all images. Sincere apologies, mea culpa and all that.

construction photo

Update 12:32am CST
Aaaand, we’re clear! Front page is now pushing out the 512×240 images wherever it can be found.

Also, RSS feed icons should be on the top bar of every blog, next to the Search and Login icons.

Working on front page featured images