Mock the Movie: Tough And Deadly transcript

Okay, so let’s start trying to get this archive back up to date. I have no idea how long it’ll be before I get all the transcripts up, but, here you are: Tough And Deadly, a Billy Blanks and Roddy Piper joint, brackets TM close brackets.

As this is their second outing together, they have apparently developed something of a rapport with one another that none of the mockers could help but appreciate. I recall this as being a fun movie and something of a palate cleanser after Ray Burks subjected me to Glitter.

Mock date August 6th, 2015.

@lousycanuck: @MockTM You don’t know what a relief this is going to be, after Glitter and Crossroads.
2015-08-06 01:00:18
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, peak 1980s logo.

What? 1995? Oh.
2015-08-06 01:00:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I genuinely love Piper, and I genuinely love Billy Blanks, and this premise sounds eminently mockable.
2015-08-06 01:00:49
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Hey, he’s dead!
2015-08-06 01:00:51
@CA7746: @MockTM Tough /and/ Deadly. Well la de dah.
2015-08-06 01:00:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM it’s very easy-listening for a thriller soundtrack
2015-08-06 01:01:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM now those fields are just begging for some crop circles
2015-08-06 01:01:35
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM This has the same kind of charismatic opening as ‘Manos’
2015-08-06 01:01:35
@szvan: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM *chokes*
2015-08-06 01:01:43
@leilah: @MockTM Aaa! I’m late!
2015-08-06 01:02:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Their editor was also responsible for adjusting spacing between letters.” “I get it.” “Because kerning–” “I GET IT.”
2015-08-06 01:02:17
@szvan: @MockTM Which U.S. city is sporting these European plates?
2015-08-06 01:02:26
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay, we get it. Lots of people were to blame for this movie.
2015-08-06 01:02:52
@lousycanuck: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM WHAT TOO SOON? /zoidberg
2015-08-06 01:02:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Good morrow, sir. I assume you are to be the badass of the day?”
2015-08-06 01:03:06
@szvan: @MockTM A German kiss, on the other hand, happens at ten paces.
2015-08-06 01:03:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Schnell! Schnitzel! Ja, Ja!”
2015-08-06 01:03:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Look at all these OBVIOUS VILLAINS. Because they have FOREIGN NAMES
2015-08-06 01:03:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “A matter of great importance”
You’re not wearing a turtleneck…
2015-08-06 01:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Grappling hook gently placed, sir!”
2015-08-06 01:03:47
@CA7746: @MockTM These are some stealthy Ghostbusters.
2015-08-06 01:03:58
@blakestacey: @MockTM Alarms neutralized really frickin’ easily, apparently
2015-08-06 01:04:22
@CarlieP: @MockTM Is he wearing a white jumpsuit to blend in with the walls?
2015-08-06 01:04:34
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Sir, dinner is re-Uhhhh”
2015-08-06 01:04:34
@szvan: @MockTM “Um, do you know how much paramilitary uniforms cost?”

“Okay. How about we borrow outfits from janitorial?”
2015-08-06 01:04:55
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM MY TURTLENECK!!
2015-08-06 01:05:17
@CA7746: @MockTM RAILING KILL #ThatDeescalatedQuickly
2015-08-06 01:05:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What, no Wilhelm Scream?
2015-08-06 01:05:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM TATSUMAKISENPUKYAKKUU
2015-08-06 01:05:57
@szvan: @MockTM Why do they never use scenes like these to advertise
comfort-fit men’s pants?
2015-08-06 01:06:12
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Me: I can’t think of anything funny to say.

@Rowsdower30: Because you’re not funny.
2015-08-06 01:06:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM MIND THE UPHOLSTERY!
2015-08-06 01:06:25
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM NOT THE BEAST! NOOOOO
2015-08-06 01:06:45
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Railing kill!
2015-08-06 01:06:47
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM So the dart made him fight like Steve Urkel?
2015-08-06 01:07:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Thirty-six hours later, Blanks is still drugged but still managing to somehow kill dozens of bad guys.
2015-08-06 01:07:44
@szvan: @MockTM That’s actually pretty good timing for a flight to LA.
2015-08-06 01:07:45
@blakestacey: @MockTM LA, city of class!
2015-08-06 01:08:27
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He’s gonna shoot him with a Bit-O-Honey!
2015-08-06 01:08:46
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey, you just finish that?” “Yeah, but I have five more crates under the bed. Well, they ARE the bed.”
2015-08-06 01:08:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Piper’s name is… ELMO?
2015-08-06 01:09:13
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Elmo says, Mr Noodle is doing lines!
2015-08-06 01:09:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM MY CRACK!!
2015-08-06 01:10:05
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No Tiny, I said let’s GO, not let’s FIGHT.
2015-08-06 01:10:28
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM I…paid…for…HBO…in…this…room!!
2015-08-06 01:11:00
@blakestacey: @MockTM Just think, they’re doing … DOLLARS of damage to that furniture.
2015-08-06 01:11:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Come back Tiny. Elmo wants to fight you. He can’t be THAT threatening.
2015-08-06 01:11:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Tiny, you don’t want to do this. No, actually, *I* don’t wanna do this. I suck at ladders! Look at my ring record!!”
2015-08-06 01:11:36
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Banksy tags LA!
2015-08-06 01:11:42
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM did he say “produce” when he hit him?
2015-08-06 01:11:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm So…many…ladders…
2015-08-06 01:12:06
@szvan: @MockTM Why are the extended scenes of ladder-climbing butt *not* the wrestler?
2015-08-06 01:12:10
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Tiny’s last name is Cox
2015-08-06 01:12:10
@CyberLizard: @mocktm “Eat shit, Elmo!” Big Bird’s most frequently uttered sentence.
2015-08-06 01:12:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Tiny, you’re gonna have a stroke dammit! And if you don’t, I’ll punch you until I do!
2015-08-06 01:12:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Piper smiles to himself. “Yup, another clean kill.”
2015-08-06 01:12:59
@leilah: @mocktm “I’m still breathing!”
2015-08-06 01:13:05
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, the banter!
2015-08-06 01:13:36
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM BIG 90s CARS, FULL OF BIG 90s MEN!
2015-08-06 01:14:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Better do something about that diaper rash, huh?” “First, I told you that in confidence. Second, I powder. Thanks for the concern.”
2015-08-06 01:14:15
@CarlieP: @szvan @MockTM “ladder-climbing butt” is a pretty good description of the shots they used. 😀
2015-08-06 01:14:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Shoot, a fellow could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!
2015-08-06 01:14:37
@szvan: @MockTM So, just how did it go over the edge already upside down?
2015-08-06 01:15:04
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM must…get…to…DQ…
2015-08-06 01:15:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, that’s going to mess up his impeccable crew cut.
2015-08-06 01:15:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM And then he gets hit by a bus. COSMIC IRONY
2015-08-06 01:15:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Aw, so close.
2015-08-06 01:15:40
@CA7746: @MockTM Don’t check his pulse, fool! He hates when people do that.
2015-08-06 01:15:45
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, please. He’s already been run over once. What will once more do?
2015-08-06 01:15:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Is he alive?” “Barely. We could finish the job now if you want, or wait til the hospital.”
2015-08-06 01:16:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Keep jovially pounding people’s shoulders. That’s good detectiving strategy.
2015-08-06 01:17:05
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Dr. Manbat- you’re needed in surgery, Dr.Manbat”
#StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 01:17:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I really hope her name’s Janine.
2015-08-06 01:17:53
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “My giant shoulder pads will get you all the information you need”
2015-08-06 01:18:02
@szvan: @MockTM Real Genius did this scene so much better.
2015-08-06 01:18:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So Piper’s name is also Freech? ELMO FREECH? Was there like a random name generator at play here?
2015-08-06 01:18:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Reichmann specifically requested Quicksilver. No Scarlet Witch, no bloody Toad. QUICKSILVER.”
2015-08-06 01:18:57
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Please break the seal on your files. And gaze upon the evil within.”
2015-08-06 01:18:59
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “double tap? Good job”
2015-08-06 01:19:00
@leilah: @mocktm Eeeeeeeeeeeee! I love James Karen!
2015-08-06 01:19:38
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @MockTM Better than “Zap Rowsdower”
2015-08-06 01:19:42
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is that the Paper Chase guy?
2015-08-06 01:20:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He’s in pretty bad shape. He had to take this movie and got passed over for leads in a dozen others.”
2015-08-06 01:20:36
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’m Doctor Five O Clock Shadow”
2015-08-06 01:21:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I’m Dr. Hardjaw. Dr. Man Hardjaw.”
2015-08-06 01:21:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hmm, these ligature marks suggest he was bound by a specific linen found only at Target.”
2015-08-06 01:22:05
@szvan: @MockTM In which Piper fights his own stunt double, who didn’t bother to change for the scene.
2015-08-06 01:22:23
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Now which one’s the Paper Chase guy?! I’m so confused!
2015-08-06 01:22:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dr. Goodguy, I’m Dr. Badguy. I’ll be consulting on this amnesia victim.”
2015-08-06 01:22:53
@szvan: @MockTM “Mr. Freech, we can’t help but notice that people around you frequently end up a story or more down.”
2015-08-06 01:23:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This is the guy who tried to make you eat the bullet. It was… underdone.”
2015-08-06 01:23:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What’d you find?” “More people to kill, mostly.”
2015-08-06 01:24:11
@szvan: @MockTM My prints weren’t on file until a few years ago. I was a ghost?
2015-08-06 01:24:27
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You’re a ghost. And you know who that means I call.”
2015-08-06 01:24:48
@blakestacey: @szvan @MockTM Ooo OOOO oooooo!
2015-08-06 01:25:07
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM I mean, there were times I felt invisible.
2015-08-06 01:25:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Say what you will about Piper, he knows how high to wear the waist on a pair of jeans.
2015-08-06 01:25:39
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Wake up! It’s time to die!”
2015-08-06 01:26:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Pff. Toetag City is just a myth.
2015-08-06 01:26:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “-you’re next stop is Toe Tag City!”
Ya hoser
2015-08-06 01:26:59
@CA7746: @MockTM Hmm. Maybe I pulled you outta the hospital too early? Nah.
2015-08-06 01:27:08
@blakestacey: @MockTM “No, I’m a multiple-contusion groupie.” [mellow sax plays]
2015-08-06 01:27:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dental plan… dental plan… dental plan…”
2015-08-06 01:27:37
@szvan: @MockTM Max Headroom did this scene so much better.
2015-08-06 01:27:47
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Quick Quick Slow Slow Quick… and now you’re cha-cha-ing!
2015-08-06 01:27:55
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick. Quick. Quick. That’s it! I LOVE CHOCOLATE MILK!”
2015-08-06 01:28:02
@CA7746: @MockTM It’s nice they coordinated their ties. Wouldn’t want to wear the same one.
2015-08-06 01:28:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Or D. REPTILIANS.”
2015-08-06 01:28:19
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Sir, Quicksilver has been degaussed.” “And if he was magnetic, that would mean something.” #jokestolenfrommst3k
2015-08-06 01:28:50
@szvan: @MockTM Damn it. If only I’d known I could do anything I wanted before I was fingerprinted. I feel cheated.
2015-08-06 01:29:01
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I don’t know what I’m doing here- I’m an accountant from Milwaukee!”
2015-08-06 01:29:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh hell, this is the dream sequence where Uhura does the fan dance isn’t it!?
2015-08-06 01:29:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM We now rejoin a ninja movie, already in progress
2015-08-06 01:29:43
@szvan: @MockTM Somebody needs an overhead fan. Come on. It’s LA.
2015-08-06 01:29:52
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Jesus got tough livin’ in the streets, yo
2015-08-06 01:29:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That’s cute. Make fun of my coffee. I only put a LITTLE strychnine in it. For flavour!!”
2015-08-06 01:30:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM sure I’ve missed 1/3 of the movie, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter
2015-08-06 01:30:41
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM AWWW, they make SUCH a cute couple!
2015-08-06 01:30:48
@szvan: @MockTM Training montage!!!!
2015-08-06 01:31:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “what I got on the calendar today, eh?”
2015-08-06 01:31:23
@CA7746: @MockTM I seriously doubt his doctor recommended this.
2015-08-06 01:31:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I just had Tae Bo flashbacks #kickkickkick
2015-08-06 01:31:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Whaddaya got in mind?” “Ever see Rocky?” “And this’ll… help with my memory??
2015-08-06 01:31:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh please. Billy Blanks could ALWAYS outdo you, Piper.
2015-08-06 01:31:56
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Hey, that’s cheating, lifting his legs for him!
2015-08-06 01:32:01
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Oh man, are they gonna frolic in the waves like in Rocky?
2015-08-06 01:32:06
@DrRubidium: @mockTM Mo is jealous of Roddy Pipper’s highlights, tho
2015-08-06 01:32:12
@blakestacey: @MockTM I have to wonder if this is a medically sanctioned procedure
2015-08-06 01:32:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM OK, I’ll admit, that was cute
2015-08-06 01:32:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ready for a little work?” “Hahahaha have you even caught your breath yet?”
2015-08-06 01:32:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Sexy sax-now it’s time for thee lovin’
2015-08-06 01:33:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM I saw this same montage in Rocky I, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV
2015-08-06 01:33:11
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Why’d you leave the cops?” “I was a loose cannon, all right? I was on the edge!”
2015-08-06 01:33:44
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM His head is healed already? Is he Wolverine?
2015-08-06 01:34:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Hey baby, let’s go back to my place and listen to some Vanilla Ice”
2015-08-06 01:34:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Trinidad thinks I’m here.” “The entire country? What a PR stunt.”
2015-08-06 01:34:37
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Mo’s Laura Ashley dress, y’all #DED
2015-08-06 01:35:03
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Oh hell, I forgot that girls exist AND that I don’t drink whiskey!”
2015-08-06 01:35:09
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM GIRL GOOD. FIRE BAD.
2015-08-06 01:35:18
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Drinking’s bad, m’kay
2015-08-06 01:35:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Where’s the restroom?” “Outside, back wall of the alley.”
2015-08-06 01:35:40
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “You made my eyes cross, too!”
2015-08-06 01:35:55
@szvan: @MockTM Working theory: This movie was filmed in the 1980s but not released until some major stakeholder had died.
2015-08-06 01:35:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You made me spill my beer” is apparently the 80s movie equivalent of “you looked at me funny”
2015-08-06 01:36:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Durrrrrrrrrr
2015-08-06 01:36:53
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Quick! Quick! Yes, that’s it! MY NAME IS JACK B. NIMBLE!”
2015-08-06 01:36:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Undertaker’s fallen on hard times and has to hassle people for $10 at a time.
2015-08-06 01:37:03
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Well, that escalated quickly
2015-08-06 01:37:13
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM People were really bad at fighting in the 90s
2015-08-06 01:37:28
@DrRubidium: @MockTM this is the most ethnically diverse country bar in the history of bars and country music
2015-08-06 01:37:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the land of no fighting skills, Billy Blanks shall lead.
2015-08-06 01:38:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “So… nachos?”
2015-08-06 01:38:20
@CA7746: @MockTM Maybe dude fell off a lotta cliffs?
2015-08-06 01:38:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Any idea where you learned to fight like that?” “Well, definitely not watching wrestling.”
2015-08-06 01:38:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I remembered something” “You used to wear a kilt”
2015-08-06 01:38:36
@DrRubidium: @MockTM breaking an arm sounds nothing like that, FYI
2015-08-06 01:38:39
@CA7746: @MockTM C’mon, it’s like riding a bike. Show me how you ride a bicycle!
2015-08-06 01:38:59
@CarlieP: @mocktm Wow, that was a quick cut.
2015-08-06 01:39:03
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Ancient Fighting Shit is the name of my next band
2015-08-06 01:39:08
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ooh it’s like a ‘Dirty Dancing’ sequence!
2015-08-06 01:39:34
@CA7746: @MockTM I’m sorry. Wasn’t thinkin’.
*Slam*
Hey, that’s not very apologetic!
2015-08-06 01:39:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM DON’T SHAKE HIS HAND HE’S A HEEL
2015-08-06 01:39:45
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM 🎶Huuuungrryy eyesss🎶
2015-08-06 01:39:55
@szvan: @MockTM This scene won’t be remotely homoerotic.
2015-08-06 01:39:57
@CarlieP: @mocktm I’ve been trading meme jokes with my kid and have no idea what’s going on, but I’m mesmerized by his great hair.
2015-08-06 01:40:00
@CA7746: @MockTM Alright already, you got him agitated. He’s clearly unwilling to teach you how to kick.
2015-08-06 01:40:10
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM Neither is pro wrestling!
2015-08-06 01:40:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I said I’m I’m soory, ya hoser!”
2015-08-06 01:40:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “Show me some of that ancient fighting shit.” ~ White guy
2015-08-06 01:40:21
@CA7746: @MockTM “What are you two doing!?”
It’s not what it looks like!
Elmo wanted a tickle.
2015-08-06 01:40:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM OH, JUST KISS ALREADY!
2015-08-06 01:40:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you two doing!?” “He’s teaching me how to kick! Apparently it involves punches!”
2015-08-06 01:40:35
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Not as good as when Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy kicked each others’ asses
2015-08-06 01:40:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I long for the fight scene in They Live.
2015-08-06 01:41:26
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Billy stole his shirt from the secretary…but he doesn’t fill it out as well
2015-08-06 01:41:46
@blakestacey: @MockTM I demand that cues be broken in this scene!
2015-08-06 01:41:55
@CanonicalKoi: @lousycanuck @szvan @MockTM Be gentle with the Rowdy One, terrible as that movie is. *shudders delicately*
2015-08-06 01:41:58
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Five hit combo! Wow! What’s got Piper all riled up tonight?
2015-08-06 01:42:03
@CA7746: @MockTM Yet another troubled bar in need of Patrick Swazye’s assistance.
2015-08-06 01:42:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “That slut was my sister”- heard daily in Florida
2015-08-06 01:42:35
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’s he gotta beat on the foley guy?
Hasn’t he suffered enough?
2015-08-06 01:42:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nice stick.” “Yeah, I guess. Never did that for me. But then I never swung it at nobody, so.”
2015-08-06 01:43:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wow, his penis really objects to being held when he pees!
2015-08-06 01:43:24
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “He told me to tell you he was smiling.” “Really? I hate emotion!!”
2015-08-06 01:44:11
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Sir…I have homework- can I go now?
2015-08-06 01:44:13
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that mullet. That was a look. Not a good one.
2015-08-06 01:44:54
@CA7746: @MockTM Ouch, right in the knee. Don’t worry. Jogging will heal that right up.
2015-08-06 01:45:03
@CA7746: @MockTM *Wince* Now, you’ll need a round of jumping jacks too.
2015-08-06 01:45:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is that Jon Favreau?
2015-08-06 01:45:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Oh, wait, I totally had something for this. Uh… Don’t forget to floss!”
2015-08-06 01:46:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “So am I finished with you gentlemen?” “Yeah, you’ve already pre-filed for Frequent Murderer Miles, filled the forms.. You’re good”
2015-08-06 01:46:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Milan, we have a slight problem. We prefer to handle this within the community. We have a … missing stair.”
2015-08-06 01:46:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM The Trump campaign headquarters is heavily guarded
2015-08-06 01:46:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM It’s not the Community, it’s the Company! Sheesh.
2015-08-06 01:47:00
@szvan: @CanonicalKoi @lousycanuck @MockTM We mock with love.
2015-08-06 01:47:01
@DrRubidium: @MockTM White man shoots somebody and he gets a copy of a report? Talk about watching whiteness at work.
2015-08-06 01:47:23
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM That’s how I always greeted guests when I worked at Disney
2015-08-06 01:48:01
@szvan: @MockTM Freech has a little bit of a problem with tracking motion on those big, long roundhouse kicks.
2015-08-06 01:48:01
@CyberLizard: @mocktm There’s a lot of people on their knees in front of Elmo. I’m just sayin’
2015-08-06 01:48:03
@DrRubidium: @MockTM the best thing about this movie is Phil Morris’ jawline
2015-08-06 01:48:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, wait, wait. This sucks. I’m supposed to win this fight! McMahon scheduled me to win!!”
2015-08-06 01:48:30
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM My dental work!
2015-08-06 01:48:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Let’s go to my friend’s house.” “To sort this out?” “Nah, he’s got a Super Nintendo.”
2015-08-06 01:49:19
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Let’s go to my friends house- he has a pool”
2015-08-06 01:49:31
@CyberLizard: @mocktm So @Rowsdower30 just took off her underwear. I’m not sure of the significance of this…
2015-08-06 01:49:39
@lousycanuck: @CyberLizard @MockTM @Rowsdower30 Look. It’s Piper, AND Billy Blanks. I’M about to.
2015-08-06 01:50:06
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Nah, didn’t happen. Less there’s something in it for him. Or it’s true love.”
2015-08-06 01:50:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Predator-Vision!
2015-08-06 01:50:12
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Opa!!”
2015-08-06 01:50:34
@CyberLizard: @mocktm HAY, he blinked!
2015-08-06 01:51:19
@CA7746: @MockTM Ooh is he going to pose in each room?
2015-08-06 01:51:37
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @CyberLizard @MockTM As long as it’s not Joe Don Baker…
2015-08-06 01:51:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ahh! Ahh! Ugh! Ahh!” *bang bang bang* “Ah, a good clean silent kill.”
2015-08-06 01:52:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I call this move Monkey Tosses Bookshelf”
2015-08-06 01:53:07
@szvan: @MockTM I hate it when our heroes forget they know how to fight.
2015-08-06 01:53:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM That’s hell on Formica.
2015-08-06 01:53:25
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM My Hummel figurines!!
2015-08-06 01:53:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM no trained law enforcement agent hold their gun like that
2015-08-06 01:53:41
@szvan: @MockTM Someone in the production company owned shares in sugar glass.
2015-08-06 01:53:47
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ow ow ow owie splinters owie owie
2015-08-06 01:53:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Guys, I’m really tired. One of you’s going to have to watch.” NO INNUENDO HERE NOPE NOPE
2015-08-06 01:54:19
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “One’a you guys is gonna have to watch….me shave my legs”
2015-08-06 01:54:54
@CyberLizard: @mocktm @lousycanuck If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told that…
2015-08-06 01:54:55
@szvan: @MockTM Montage of boring shoe-leather PI work!
2015-08-06 01:55:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Well you got anything?” “Publisher’s Clearing House. We may have already won a million dollars!”
2015-08-06 01:55:00
@CarlieP: @mocktm “I could live for a year on what he spends on his phone bill.” Ha – remember back when long distance cost extra?
2015-08-06 01:55:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What numbers did he call before that? Did they start with 555? A PATTERN!”
2015-08-06 01:55:47
@szvan: @MockTM “I remember this number!”
2015-08-06 01:55:47
@CarlieP: @mocktm Know what makes for compelling tv? Combing through phone records.
2015-08-06 01:55:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm 555-0000? Really?
2015-08-06 01:56:23
@CarlieP: @mocktm If the pay phone was busted, how… never mind.
2015-08-06 01:56:41
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I woulda noticed a tail” “I’m REALLY into furries”
2015-08-06 01:56:43
@szvan: @MockTM I mean, how many black guys are there in LA?
2015-08-06 01:57:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “CI-fucking-A? This is Canada! I mean…LA!”
2015-08-06 01:57:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM No. No mocking. The gate scene was absolutely fucking gold. That is Indy shooting the guy gold.
2015-08-06 01:58:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ah, great, the deserted industrial zone level!
2015-08-06 01:58:47
@DrRubidium: @MockTM “was they bandits?” Yeah, that word hasn’t been popular in, like, 100 years
2015-08-06 01:58:55
@szvan: @MockTM I always wanted an ankle holster in the days of skinny jeans.
2015-08-06 01:59:10
@lousycanuck: @MockTM STEALTH LOUD BARREL ATTACK
2015-08-06 01:59:13
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’ll go around the back, you go around the front”
They have such cute names for sex
2015-08-06 01:59:24
@szvan: @blakestacey @MockTM I’ve played this level!
2015-08-06 01:59:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa, whoa, foreign objects! RING THE BELL REF!
2015-08-06 02:00:10
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Heellpp! I’m…I’m STUCK!”
2015-08-06 02:00:11
@CyberLizard: @mocktm So he’s going to attack with his junk?
2015-08-06 02:00:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He’s presenting like a mandrill!
2015-08-06 02:00:22
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM RAILING KILL!
2015-08-06 02:00:59
@szvan: @MockTM What is it with this movie and fighters in cut-rate Carhartts?
2015-08-06 02:01:05
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Please don’t use those stairs!”
2015-08-06 02:01:13
@CarlieP: @mocktm WHERE DID HE GET THAT GUN FROM
2015-08-06 02:01:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Spray and pray is statistically grossly unlikely to actually kill a hero. And yet every movie villain from the 80s and 90s tries it.
2015-08-06 02:01:44
@szvan: @MockTM Wait, is Piper facing his stunt double again?
2015-08-06 02:01:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM wait, when did Billy change his shirt again?! The wardrobe bill must have been MONSTROUS!
2015-08-06 02:02:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM Oh, snap.
2015-08-06 02:02:09
@CarlieP: @mocktm This is like that scene in Shawn of the Dead when they met the other matching gang.
2015-08-06 02:02:13
@CA7746: @MockTM Why’d Elmo have THAT CD?
2015-08-06 02:03:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What are you doing?” “Just putting on some music for a little sexual healing.” “This the best you can do?” *puts on Barry White*
2015-08-06 02:03:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ahh, the acid washed denim button down shirts…I miss the 90s
2015-08-06 02:03:16
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, boys in high-waisted acid washed jeans. Those were the days. Of something.
2015-08-06 02:03:17
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Harrison Ford did that scene better
2015-08-06 02:03:17
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Really? We’re going to with the stereotyping black/white music?
2015-08-06 02:03:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “HEY HEY MOVE AWAY FROM THE STEREO. No more white people music!”
2015-08-06 02:03:46
@CarlieP: @mocktm “Dreeeeam weaver, I believe you can get me through the niiiight…”
2015-08-06 02:03:48
@leilah: @mocktm That love scene music was a bit worrying.
2015-08-06 02:03:53
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM you know these kids with their hippity hippity music
2015-08-06 02:03:57
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Someone’s gonna make sweet love to some chop suey
2015-08-06 02:04:47
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM AWWW, a baby MRA!
2015-08-06 02:05:16
@CyberLizard: @mocktm @Rowsdower30 IT’S A TRILBY!
2015-08-06 02:05:35
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM They’re super serious about their Splenda shipments
2015-08-06 02:05:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM *bang bang* “Oh, boys roughhousing again. BE SERIOUS, GUARDS, WE GOTTA GUARD THIS PLACE FROM GOOD GUYS”
2015-08-06 02:06:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM And he goes off to do this by himself because movie climax
2015-08-06 02:06:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Yeah, whatever. *sigh* Oh why must I love that asshole.”
2015-08-06 02:07:04
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Ryan Reynolds in a bad mustache?
2015-08-06 02:07:31
@leilah: @MockTM “Or I’ll plug you right now.” Who knew this movie would be so frank about its homoeroticism?
2015-08-06 02:08:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm They just don’t make security goons like they used to.
2015-08-06 02:08:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “And THAT’S how you do a chair spot!!”
2015-08-06 02:08:34
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Is his head gone?!?
2015-08-06 02:08:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM DO NOT QUESTION THE CHAIR LEG OF TRUTH!
2015-08-06 02:08:45
@CA7746: @MockTM Her car antenna has a ball at the end.
Wouldn’t want to poke an eye out when you’re roughhousing.
2015-08-06 02:08:54
@CarlieP: @mocktm I like how they’re in matching blue denim outfits.
2015-08-06 02:09:19
@lousycanuck: @CarlieP @MockTM It’s like a best-buds uniform! And/or a using the same wardrobe to dress in the morning uniform. 🙂
2015-08-06 02:09:51
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I miss my acid-washed denim jacket 🙁
2015-08-06 02:09:51
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Hey, I was just gonna get some Doritos from the machine!”
2015-08-06 02:09:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Ew. He stepped in goon pee!
2015-08-06 02:10:07
@CA7746: @MockTM *Foley tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:10:28
@spindyk: @MockTM I wonder what they do if they run out of suitcases to put the money in.
2015-08-06 02:10:39
@szvan: @MockTM Aww. He hides so well.
2015-08-06 02:10:57
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You can tell they’re supposed to be stealthy by all the background tinkle. @CA7746 o
2015-08-06 02:11:02
@CarlieP: @lousycanuck @MockTM You know that closet is full of various shades of denim shirts.
2015-08-06 02:11:07
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM When do the sparkly vampires show up?
Wrong movie? …oh
2015-08-06 02:11:15
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM That’s a lot of money back now #StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 02:11:56
@CA7746: @MockTM One black, one white? Just look for denim!
2015-08-06 02:12:01
@szvan: @MockTM “Two men. One black, one white. A little matchy-matchy in the denim outfits.”
2015-08-06 02:12:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I am suddenly gripped with an irrepressible urge to learn how foleys make a tinkling sound effect.
2015-08-06 02:12:32
@CarlieP: @mocktm LET’S DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE OF DIFFERENT RACES BUT ON THE SAME TEAM BY SAYING IT OUT LOUD
2015-08-06 02:12:33
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “one black, one white!”
“No, they’re NOT penguins!”
2015-08-06 02:12:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “SHUT UP HAT GUY.”
2015-08-06 02:12:46
@CA7746: @MockTM *Bang bang bang* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:13:14
@CyberLizard: @lousycanuck @mocktm Pretty much what most everyone says to every gamergater ever
2015-08-06 02:13:15
@szvan: @MockTM It’s so good that they managed to teach each other stealth by the movie’s climax.
2015-08-06 02:13:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “NOTHING goes out of here til I get my money. Except me. And Dennis. And possibly oxygen. Birds. Bullets.”
2015-08-06 02:14:02
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Awww yeeeeah, the soundtrack kicks in
2015-08-06 02:14:19
@szvan: @MockTM The sound mixing makes it just a wee bit obvious that this movie doesn’t value its dialogue.
2015-08-06 02:14:30
@blakestacey: @MockTM Wheeeee!
2015-08-06 02:14:35
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I REGRET NOTHING!!!
2015-08-06 02:14:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM PEW PEW PEW, Ah-ah-ah! Thank goodness I turned the sound up so I could hear the dialogue.
2015-08-06 02:14:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM NOT THE SPLENDA!!!
2015-08-06 02:14:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM SHORYUKEN
2015-08-06 02:14:58
@szvan: @MockTM Come on. We need poofs of coke with every punch!
2015-08-06 02:15:08
@CarlieP: @mocktm Fun fact: tea is packed in those same cardboard/metal barrels. We had some at home from the Nestea plant my grandma worked at.
2015-08-06 02:15:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait. That toll cabinet just fell and hit Blanks on the back and he gave not a shit. He no-sold the same thing he hit the dude with!
2015-08-06 02:15:36
@CA7746: @MockTM *BOOM* *Thwack* *Dudduleeoo* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:15:55
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM It’th a spthore gun! #Nonsequiter #StolenFromMST3K
2015-08-06 02:16:08
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Um, didn’t he already figure out he’s CIA?
2015-08-06 02:16:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You mean I’m CIA?” “You mean you don’t know? I mean, uh, I don’t know! Shit! The gig is up!”
2015-08-06 02:16:26
@blakestacey: @MockTM “You mean I’m CIA? Well, I *was* not there on the stair.”
2015-08-06 02:16:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why is anyone taking orders from you, Hat Guy? Pssh. I’ll find them on my own time.”
2015-08-06 02:16:52
@CarlieP: @mocktm Where are all these grenades coming from?!
2015-08-06 02:16:59
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wheeeeeeeeee!
Mommy look I’m flying!!
2015-08-06 02:17:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Backflip trumps bulletspray every time
2015-08-06 02:17:25
@CyberLizard: @CarlieP @mocktm It’s like playing Uncharted. They just pressed triangle to pick them up!
2015-08-06 02:17:32
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Ooh, the roll away from stomp trope.
2015-08-06 02:17:43
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Wait to shoot at me till I kick the gun out of your hand! Good job!
2015-08-06 02:17:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Too bad this is not Wide World of Sports.”
2015-08-06 02:18:10
@szvan: @MockTM Uh, where’d the shovel go? Into the land of inconvenient props?
2015-08-06 02:18:19
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Maybe all the suits I’ve worn are ill-fitting, but you can’t lift your arms, much less do spin-kicks in them without tearing
2015-08-06 02:18:32
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Holy shit. This movie is basically a crap The Bourne Identity, but IT CAME FIRST
2015-08-06 02:18:39
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM You’re the one who stole my mousse, didn’t you?!
2015-08-06 02:18:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I think you’re fucked here Jake.” *choke* “Okay, no, sorry, I’m fucked.”
2015-08-06 02:19:27
@DrRubidium: @MockTM that right there was an advanced Tae Bo move
2015-08-06 02:19:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Explain it to them. With bullets. It’s the only language they understand.”
2015-08-06 02:19:50
@CyberLizard: @mocktm BLACK HELICOPTERS!!! The gubmint is here!!!1!
2015-08-06 02:20:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Explain it to them!” [fires machine gun] “No, no, I meant think of a clever turn of phrasing!”
2015-08-06 02:20:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “Explain it to them”
“No! I meant go down there and draw a diagram, not shoot!”
2015-08-06 02:20:14
@szvan: @MockTM Wait! The movie’s almost over and we haven’t blown everything up yet!
2015-08-06 02:20:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wait, we can’t resolve things yet! We still have all this BUDGET TO BLOW!”
2015-08-06 02:20:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Ouch, I landed on my keys!
2015-08-06 02:20:58
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “sorry- you had a bug on your shirt”
2015-08-06 02:21:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey.” *punch* “Frankie says relax.”
2015-08-06 02:21:41
@szvan: @MockTM “Sir? We seem to have blown our Excess-O-Meter.”
2015-08-06 02:21:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OH HOLY HELL BLANKS PICKED HIM UP BY THE NIPPLES
2015-08-06 02:22:04
@blakestacey: @MockTM This movie is about five years too late for the sheer amount of denim and cocaine on display
2015-08-06 02:22:17
@CA7746: @MockTM Two nutshots, really?
2015-08-06 02:22:25
@CA7746: @MockTM Drop your weapons! You have 20 seconds to comply.
2015-08-06 02:22:32
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM No quippy line with that face kick?
Like “You want fries with that?”
2015-08-06 02:22:33
@DrRubidium: @MockTM LOL! Back when people still went through the charade of taste testing cocaine. How quaint.
2015-08-06 02:22:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Haha, he brought a gun to a gunship fight.
2015-08-06 02:22:52
@CyberLizard: @mocktm Hey, we’ve got like 10 squbs left. What should we do with them?
2015-08-06 02:23:05
@CA7746: @MockTM *BOOOOOOOM* *Tinkle*
2015-08-06 02:23:06
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Splenda is highly flammable, doncha know
2015-08-06 02:23:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You all right?” “Yeah, people offered to take me to the hospital but we haven’t done the denouement yet.”
2015-08-06 02:24:14
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM He would NOT stop singing “Shake It Off!”
2015-08-06 02:24:23
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sizeable and tax-free.” “Does it come in penis form?”
2015-08-06 02:24:39
@szvan: @MockTM If he doesn’t share with Mo, I’m going to have to have words with him.
2015-08-06 02:24:48
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM “I’ll take my payments in kilts”
2015-08-06 02:24:49
@CyberLizard: @mocktm I like my compensation like I like my men: sizable and tax-free
2015-08-06 02:24:52
@blakestacey: @MockTM Aww. He doesn’t want to be apart.
2015-08-06 02:25:11
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM Wait…was there a PLOT to this movie?
2015-08-06 02:25:26
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That was an absolutely glorious movie. Everything I ever want in a love story.
2015-08-06 02:25:29
@CarlieP: @mocktm “What do we have to score the background music?” “Used up the budget on explosives, can only afford the chimes”.
2015-08-06 02:25:42
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM +1
2015-08-06 02:25:54
@szvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Plus a wisecracking woman!
2015-08-06 02:26:03
@CarlieP: @mocktm The girl doesn’t even make an appearance at the end?
2015-08-06 02:26:27
@CA7746: @MockTM If you listen closely, there’s a whole orchestra accompanying the chimes. I assume.
2015-08-06 02:26:41
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM That is exactly how I’m positioning this transcript. A love story between Piper and Blanks with a wisecracking sidekick woman
2015-08-06 02:26:48
@DrRubidium: @MockTM Not the worst Roddy Piper movie I’ve even seen, just the second Roddy Piper movie.
2015-08-06 02:27:44
@Rowsdower30: @MockTM I can just imagine the nightmares I’ll have
“Denim…sax music…Billy Blanks no!”
2015-08-06 02:28:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That has all but made me forget Hell Comes To — AH HELL I REMEMBER IT NOW
2015-08-06 02:28:16
@lousycanuck: @Rowsdower30 @MockTM Nightmares… or night-awesome-sex-dreams?
2015-08-06 02:29:09
@szvan: @MockTM Now I want to watch the other Roddy Piper-Billy Blanks movie.
2015-08-06 02:29:27
@Rowsdower30: @lousycanuck @MockTM I’ll end up dry-humping @CyberLizard murmuring “Mmm training montage”
2015-08-06 02:30:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM OKAY, SHOW’S OVER, THERE ARE NO AFTER CREDITS SCENES WITH THEM MAKING OUT TENDERLY
2015-08-06 02:30:51
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @Rowsdower30 @MockTM Doin’ the the denouement…
2015-08-06 02:30:58
@CA7746: @MockTM Urbandictionary has no entry for “denouement”. #Disappointed
2015-08-06 02:35:38
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @MockTM Sorry. You can create one though. But chances are unless it digs at feminists, it won’t get upvoted.
2015-08-06 02:36:29
@lousycanuck: @DrRubidium @MockTM Were you not in on Hell Comes to Frog Town?
2015-08-06 02:36:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Good news, everyone. I found a free (with ads) Masters of the Universe. DOLPH LUNDGREN AS HE-MAN. COME ON!! http://t.co/SCoG0oeERi
2015-08-06 02:37:32
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @MockTM http://t.co/jrc4146mXa
2015-08-06 02:39:30

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Mock the Movie: Tough And Deadly transcript