Wow, I forgot to post this one way back in February. After this, I’ll have to dig up the subtitle files and finish the Mock The Movie page.
@lousycanuck: @pzmyers So… you’re only going to watch this a little bit?? @MockTM
@pzmyers: @mocktm about 30 seconds should do it.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Filmed in Marionation!
@szvan: @MockTM That is, in fact a very large claw. Look at how big it is next to those letters!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Joke’s on all of you — it’s two hours of a giant claw.
@szvan: @MockTM Women? They got around.
@pzmyers: @MockTM The art director kept his name in the credits?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Why would these three men struggle with the elements at all if time has no meaning and warmth is a push-button away??
@pzmyers: @MockTM I saw my house!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, homing pigeons. SUCH TECHNOLOGY. WOW.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Ah, the cold war. Wasn’t it fun? Everything was about military defense.
@szvan: @MockTM Aww, they had Libertarian douchebags even back then.
@pzmyers: @MockTM I didn’t know pilos were allowed to fly!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Doctor Manhattan may work for the government, but he makes his own rules. Time and space also have no meaning for him, either.”
@szvan: @MockTM “A significant moment in history. The day the narrator discovered full sentences.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Almost the beginning of the end of life on this Earth, hmm? Isn’t that basically, the START of life? He saw abiogenesis.
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Hot Button” do not touch the hot button.
@pzmyers: @MockTM seems like kinda an overreaction to a guy reporting a UFO.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The planes were scrambled. I want to make an egg joke here.
@CA7746: @MockTM Okay two planes went down, *now* we should care.
@szvan: @MockTM The plane didn’t come back. That’s how we know there was nothing for it to find.
@CA7746: @MockTM His handle is ‘Zebra Love’.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hang on, I’ll be back in a minute. My drink’s low, I’ll just borrow the pilot’s whiskey.”
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing the pilot has an electrical engineer to tell him how to fly through weather.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Wait, you weren’t joking. His handle actually is “Zebra Love”! I didn’t know it was that kind of movie.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM This electrical engineer is one of those Randian ubermensches isn’t he? All-knowing, all-talented?
@thetwillis: @MockTM Zebra Love? That dude is totally a furry.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Giant blurry turkey! Oooh, spooky!
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, hey! The engine took care of the bird. Movie over!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Excellent special effects. I didn’t even see the wires attached to the model airplane.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Felt like something kinda doggie-paddled over to us repeatedly. What kind of flying battleship moves like that?”
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing his final paroxysm took him out of the way of the flying debris.
@pzmyers: @MockTM “Allo”? Where did they land? Canada?
@CA7746: @MockTM Are milkmen qualified to be paramedics? *shrug* Barbers used to be surgeons.
@szvan: @MockTM Would it be a real horror movie without a thunderstorm?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nothing so domestic as a flying saucer. Pssh. So pedestrian. You parochial sheriff types.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, this *must* be Quebec, between the muddled accent and the triple-X bottle of moonshine.
@CA7746: @MockTM “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Hey, Thibeault! Make yourself useful and translate Pierre’s colorful argot for us.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Soon as he says something, Myers.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You like Pierre’s shitty still hooch, oui?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Translation: “AAAAAAH!!”
@pzmyers: @MockTM I could use some of that applejack myself round about now.
@thetwillis: @MockTM Wait, did he just say the applejack was made of Pierre’s wee? Ew.
@szvan: @MockTM Wake him up. We’re almost out of hooch.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Cognac. It was the cognac!!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No, I saw the Cognac!” “Here, have some more still hooch.”
@pzmyers: @Mocktm “Face of the wolf and body of the WOMAN?” What?
@pzmyers: @MockTM French-Canadians are so fragile and emotional.
@CA7746: @MockTM If you see this big bird, you’re about to get snuffed.
@szvan: @MockTM Wait. I thought Big Bird was the real one. Snuffalupagus was the legend.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “They say if you watch this VHS tape and see Big Bird, it’s a sign that you’ve been recording PBS.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, yes, yes, let’s get all the Sesame Street references out now.
@thetwillis: @MockTM Try to convince Pierre it was really The Bluebird of Happiness that he saw. That’ll cheer him up.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Sexual harassment!
@szvan: @MockTM “First engineer and pilot, and now sexual assaulter.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You almost overwhelm me with your tautologies.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Pattern. Pat-tern. Paaaaaaaaterrrrrrrrrrrrn. … No, I lost it.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Women in the 1950s were so accommodating to men’s sexual advances.
@szvan: @MockTM “What? You expect me to work pleasantly with you after that? No woman would do that.” :p
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Really? You could draw a spiral connecting ANY arbitrary set of points.
@szvan: @MockTM Graph-fitting 101. Where you been, lady?
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m going to say that that is not a valid example of good curve fitting.
@szvan: @mocktm Oh, you men get so emotional.
@pzmyers: @MockTM One minute he’s angling for the mile high club, next he’s scribbling on maps. He needs to focus.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Look, could you two please stop mangling the concept of pattern recognition so we can get some sleep here?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Hey guys look out the window, I think I saw a giant turkey doggie-paddling through the air.”
@szvan: @MockTM A third of the way through the movie is far too soon to show the horror.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Mmm, flying Lunchables. I should order take-out more often!
@thetwillis: @MockTM The little crunch sound effect is a nice touch.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “That makes me chief cook and bottle watcher in the one man bird-watching society.” “Mr. Cook, I have to ask you to not metaphor.”
@pzmyers: @Mocktm “Priority Fast!” I’m sure that’s an actual priority.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This bird and all pictures are now top-secret. Execute the Bigfoot Protocol.”
@thetwillis: @MockTM Next step to catching the bird: Coming up with a giant shaker so they can put salt on its tail.
@pzmyers: @MockTM It’s a Stealth Bird!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “There’s no scientific or any other explanation for a creature that otherwise resembles other creatures that exist.”
@szvan: @MockTM It’s the strings. The strings interfere with the radar signal.
@CA7746: @MockTM The ‘Easy Baker’ squadron. … I think I understand why pilots aren’t taken seriously.
@szvan: @MockTM Ooh, will they get the dramatic music while they wait?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Easy Baker squadron preparing to deploy the giant light bulb. This bird’s goose is cooked, squadron leader!
@szvan: @MockTM General, the bird! It keeps making us miss!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Bullets, rockets, nothing’s touching it!” “Have you tried aiming, Charlie?”
@CA7746: @MockTM “It’s comin’ after me. Oh my gawwwwwwwd!”
@szvan: @MockTM Duh. Parachute cords make the best floss.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I think part of the problem was that they rigged these planes with cannons. Surely they could at least have armed them with rapiers!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Man, it really likes to snack on parachutists. It must be the silk wrapping.
@szvan: @MockTM Somebody might want to consider grounding planes for a bit. Just saying.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Nothing’s affecting this bird… we should find its weakness. Get me… Colonel Sanders.”
@thetwillis: @MockTM Maybe I’ve been reading too much slash lately, but I’m sensing a lot of sexual tension in this room.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Yeah, those days, someone would sneeze and they’d start talking about nukes.
@thetwillis: @MockTM And now you kiss.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The basic building block of all matter: LEGO.”
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, yes. The good old days, when science fiction was good for teaching science, not for story.
@thetwillis: @MockTM That dude is so baked right now.
@CA7746: @MockTM “What?” “I said unquestionably!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Evidently this bird is able to open its antimatter screen. And while we’re inventing implausibilities, the bird is also Hitler.
@thetwillis: @MockTM And that energy screen is…Axe Body Spray.
@pzmyers: @Mocktm That “science” made me drink. Now I’m a bit muddled.
@CA7746: @MockTM Oh I thought you were just a slob.
@CA7746: @MockTM It erm, flapped all the way here.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM As a last resort, we tried performing sciencey stuff.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Of course you understand that everything you’ve seen and heard is ridiculous and nobody would believe you anyway.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM he’s holding a feather made of no known element, and he’s not talking about his upcoming Nobel prize? What kind of scientist is he?
@szvan: @MockTM Is the bad science over? It’s hard to type with my fingers in my ears.
@thetwillis: @MockTM This narrator has an unusual accent for a narrator.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Now we know why all UFO photos are blurry. It’s because they’re made of anti-matter, so light slides around them.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So an alien antimatter bird is flying around being all terror and shit. And yet it goes “WARK WARK.” Needs a better catch phrase.
@pzmyers: @MockTM I can’t believe that I just wrote that. I’m going to drink more.
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM We exist to provide your excuse.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “If only there was something we could do that wasn’t sitting around and waiting. *sigh* Too bad there’s aaabsolutely nothing to do.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The general told me he found a claw mark in Pierre’s farm. And I know why.” “Because there’s a giant fucking bird??”
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, god. Giant anti-matter bird is, of course. going to build a nest. Because that’s what all birds do.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I need a helicopter, three cows, a tuning fork and a hundred thousand gallons of lard. Trust me general, I know what I’m doing.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “The bird began its attacks on the ground. A fantastic orgy of sex broke out when everyone realized we’re all gonna die.”
@pzmyers: @MockTM I saw this on Jurassic Park. Hold still, they sense movement.
@szvan: @MockTM In failing to reassure one person who was listening, General Considine accidentally launched the entire field of PR.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM For the record, “Pepe” is not an acceptable nickname for “Pierre.”
@pzmyers: @lousycanuck @MockTM That’s your gripe? In a movie about a giant anti-matter bird? Gosh, I guess they didn’t do their background research.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Wark wark” means “Baker baker one nine, coming in for a landing, over.”
@szvan: @MockTM It’s a good thing the bird landed so they could see the egg.
@CA7746: @MockTM Truly, there was a deformed muppet here today. And it was US.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Gotta shoot a few eggs to make an omelette.”
@szvan: @MockTM Of course! Trees are its weakness!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Bird as big as a battleship, gotta be a giant egg…what’s the calibre of those rifles?
@szvan: @MockTM Actually, kids, coming out with you meant his death.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Vengeance on Pierre!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The bird grabs Pierre, eats him, and causes its blood alcohol content to be over the legal limit for interstellar travel.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Damn kids. Where’s the giant bird when you need it?
@szvan: @MockTM Gee. I wonder what will happen to those wayward kids in this horror movie.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Unable to stop swerving when flying by Jupiter, the bird is picked up by space police. It’s tried in a court of law and gets 10 yrs.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Who needs to watch the movie’s end? I can invent a better ending!
@pzmyers: @MockTM Let that be a lesson to you, youth of today. Respect your elders!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I hope this isn’t some kind of crackpot wild goose chase. Geddit? Goose? Huh? Huuuuuh?”
@CA7746: @MockTM *GASP* That technobabble wasn’t gibberish. 😮
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Inside the bird is a tiny crew of uniformed birds shouting orders: “Shields up! Red alert! Go to swooping speed! Maneuver Riker 3!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know you don’t understand all this General, but stick with me. I’ll make a bad analogy after the technobabble.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yes, if you don’t hit it with your kitchen sinks, you WILL have many kitchen sinks to spare.
@CA7746: @MockTM Luckily the electrical engineer slash pilot is also a particle physicist.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, jebus. I have to tranquilize my science gland with more alcohol now.
@pzmyers: @MockTM Solution: Invent solid state devices immediately.
@CA7746: @MockTM You built a time machine!?
@szvan: @MockTM Okay. New plan: I just need to lure the bird into the laboratory with me.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I walked out of the room for a bit. Did they do it? Did they make basic atoms?
@thetwillis: @MockTM Aw, like a dog running off with a string of sausages. Cute.
@CA7746: @MockTM Adjust the polarity on the main condensor terminals. -_-
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ohhh, reverse the polarity on the neutron flow!” “What? No. That’s gibberish.”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Get me my science pants, will you general? I can’t science without my science pants!”
@CA7746: @MockTM You’re saying the solution is coming out your tail end?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We’ll attract its attention somehow. Maybe build giant arms attached to the plane to wave around. A loudspeaker saying “yoo hoo”. ”
@szvan: @MockTM All right, folks. Let’s get all our limited cast on this plane. If this fails, we won’t want a backup pan.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wait, what’s the plan now? They’re going to bombard it with freemasons?
@thetwillis: @MockTM Oh yeah, a “calculator” was a human being, back in the day.
@szvan: @MockTM Sure, the train stays together at the couplings, but the building comes apart at the rebar.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Director: “Hey, remember that one scene from that other movie with the big creature? Let’s do that!”
@CA7746: @MockTM “Make a pass at it.” “Bwaack! Caw chirp whistle?” *Displays chest hair*
@lousycanuck: @thetwillis Like Mentats? @MockTM
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Make a pass at it.” “HEY BIRD. COME HERE OFTEN?”
@szvan: @MockTM Now they have the foresight to move it say from a populated…oh, no. They don’t. It’s just easier to hit when it’s moving.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “WARK WARK WARK!” Translation: “OW MY MUONS!”
@szvan: @MockTM This must be the end. They only have the one marionette.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Call the President. We’re going to have a roast that’ll feed everyone in Washington tonight.”
@szvan: @MockTM It’s such a pity Pierre died. He could have taught them about denouement.
@pzmyers: @MockTM What a relief. My liver wasn’t going to hold up much longer.
@thetwillis: @MockTM And now giant eggs start hatching, all over the world. In a spiral pattern.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM My Playstation actually turned off at the end of that movie. It has more sense than we do about movies like this.
@szvan: @lousycanuck @MockTM Um, it waited until the end.
@pzmyers: @MockTM That was a little more brain rot than I wanted.
@CA7746: @MockTM We need more movie suggestions to add to the calendar.
@szvan: @CA7746 @MockTM Need to try to find another Faith Films production.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM A few potentials: Queen of the Amazons, Legend of Boggy Creek, The Core, 2012: Doomsday, Jungle Man
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM I’m still recovering from Star Trek Into Darkness
@szvan: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM There was no lens flare in this one.
@lousycanuck: Need more suggestions for @MockTM. Got a film you think needs to be mocked mercilessly?
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM I am sincerely sorry that I still haven’t gotten that scraped. I’m pretty sure it’s still accessible though.
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM When is Ender’s Game available?
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM I can try pulling it out of my own tweet archive, if I remember.
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey I don’t think any time soon. Nor Atlas Shrugged Part 3. @MockTM
@artologica: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM I’ve had a few drinks, so you can imagine my mental image of “pulling it out of my own tweet archive”
@futilityfiles: @lousycanuck @MockTM a distant relative of mine made a Bollywood-style movie that’s just awkward & terrible. I’ll link you later
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM Well, AT3 will just be John Galt speaking into a microphone, so we’re missing even less than the first two movies were
@ingdamnit: @lousycanuck @MockTM Dracula 3000
@CA7746: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM Twitter API won’t go back very far, unless it’s searching your own account.
@CA7746: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM /Searches in Chrome. *scroll* *scroll* *scroll* Ah, Jan 5th. Inspect element, copy as HTML…
@CA7746: @blakestacey @lousycanuck @MockTM I might not’ve gotten it all, and scraping html’s icky, but it’s something.
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 @blakestacey @MockTM I wish I still had that parser script.
@CA7746: @lousycanuck @blakestacey @MockTM What did it do? Collect tweets live as they’re written? RT I wish I still had that parser script.
@lousycanuck: @CA7746 No, the one I wrote a long time ago that re-parses the html out to look like my usual transcripts. @blakestacey @MockTM