Below the fold, the transcript from Mock The Movie: Attack From Space. I had to do a bit of post-production work to interleave the two separate logs, as brx0 joined late and had a few real-life interruptions. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this one — there’s just something special about early Japanese action films. And by special, I mean especially terrible.
We do these movies about every two weeks, usually on Thursday nights, at 9pm EST. For best effect, start the movie and read the jokes while watching. Sadly, because of the interleaving, following via the GMT timestamps isn’t really possible. Well, it sort of is, if you watch my or Stephanie’s timestamps, assuming 1 AM GMT is the start of the movie.
At the moment, selection of movies is done just about at random, and I’m the only limiting factor, being that in Canada I don’t have access to Hulu so a lot of movies that are otherwise mockworthy aren’t accessible to me. Of course, with some prior warning, I’m sure I could find a way to obtain something particularly stinky, but we’ve been a bit slack in picking movies ahead of time. Next Mock The Movie will fall during my vacation to Minnesota over the American Thanksgiving period, so we’ll have a wider selection. Any recommendations, folks?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Time to start the movie!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Billions of planets, billions of creatures, some peaceful, some warlike, some populated by Libertarians.
@szvan: @MockTM Damn, that’s a spiky planet.
@szvan: @MockTM Apparently alien robots communicate through interpretive dance.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Starman and his Magic Wristwatch can fly through space unaided. And this was invented by creatures with no opposable thumbs.
@brx0: @MockTM So far all the drama is coming from the narrator explaining how dramatic everything is. Plus Ken Utsui scowling all the time.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I like that this movie practices the “tell, don’t show” method of storytelling.
@szvan: @MockTM You’d almost think the Japanese were scarred by that whole nuclear option thing.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No matter how fast I fly at that thing, it stays the same distance away! No fair!”
@szvan: @MockTM One of StarMan’s superpowers is to change size randomly and without warning.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How did Starman gather that there’s a traitor on Earth from there being a ship in orbit? Why, it’s one of his watch-endowed powers!
@brx0: @MockTM I’m actually looking forward to the point in the distant future where we all switch back to analog gauges for everything.
@szvan: @MockTM Perhaps the astronomers would get more good out of their tools if someone told them to use them at night instead.
@szvan: @MockTM Ah, the good old days, when we destroyed Japanese movies with bland dubs instead of bland remakes.
@brx0: @MockTM Hmm. Why put a space laboratory on the coast if you aren’t going to have a creature wade out of the sea? Seems like a waste.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @brx0 It’s the Godzilla aesthetic.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The relays burned up and condensers failed. “Oh, here’s what happened. Made In USA.”
@brx0: @MockTM So the space lab / spaceship looks like an electrical substation hidden inside a lighthouse.
@brx0: @MockTM Aaand they’re all out of solenoids. I hate it when that happens.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Wow, paranoia. “This project could discover what’s beyond our solar system! And our enemies could use that knowledge against us!”
@brx0: @MockTM – Somehow they’re out of stock at Solenoids-R-Us. So our heroes stalk the guy who bought the last 1. It’s like Xmas shopping.
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, look, the kids are going to stay involved in the story. I bet they won’t be subject to *any* peril at all.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @szvan Don’t worry, Japan’s children have Gamera to protect them. Gamera is friend to all children!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Taxis in Japan are free for all movie protagonists, especially waiflike children.
@szvan: @MockTM Let’s run right behind him! He’ll never notice our pounding feet!
@brx0: @MockTM And two kids lurking behind an exposed telephone pole won’t arouse suspicion or anything.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Stay right where you are! No, don’t run left then right. You’re not very good at this, are you?”
@szvan: @MockTM Okay, props to this movie. The kids *tried* to do the smart thing.
@brx0: @MockTM The secret lair entrance concealed in a cemetery is a nice touch.
@szvan: @MockTM And then they blow all the goodwill on a stereotypical maniacal cackle.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ah, hey boss, we caught us some meddling kids. Want I should get them to join our gang and put them in fedoras?”
@brx0: @MockTM Although — and maybe I’ve seen too many Bond movies — this secret lair is totally not swanky enough.
@szvan: @MockTM “And you were there, Henry. And you…”
@DrRubidium: why am I missing @MockTM? Grading. Damn you, grading!!!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Oh, pseudo-Nazis! Nice!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Doctor, this note arrived for you. I didn’t read it or nothing, but SOMEONE’S GOTTA CRUUUUUSH
@brx0: @MockTM – So far all the plot twists rely on nobody having a mobile phone in the future. Ok.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The human adult male traitor: “Doctor. I know very well what I am. I’m a teenage girl, just entering the full flowering of puberty.”
@brx0: @MockTM So why did they wait until now to kidnap Dr. Yamanaka if they need the engine so badly?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The top security guys on Earth are going to consult with a guy claiming to be an alien named Starman. Because, you know, why not?
@brx0: @MockTM If you, the superhero, show up at a meeting of world leaders wearing a suit, you really ought to bring some PowerPoint slides.
@szvan: @MockTM Could someone please give StarMan some public speaking lessons. I’m getting dizzy watching him.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Starman pirouettes into costume then jumps out the window. Sadly, he forgot the watch and fell to his death. THE END
@szvan: @MockTM “I’ll make you into a Spherion slave for all time…what? Do I need to explain what that means? Why aren’t you scared?”
@brx0: @MockTM – Time for the Thought Eradicator. Wait, is that Rupert Murdoch lurking in the background?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The little kids and the professor are now being brainwashed. And/or having seizures induced. Not sure.
@brx0: @MockTM – So HQ’s orders are “Kill Starman” and “Get ready for launch”. Helpful advice, there.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Increase acceleration to Mach 80!” “Mach 80? We canna’ do it, Cap’n, we’ll tear the ship apart!”
@szvan: @MockTM StarMan’s baggy hose just make me appreciate Edna Mode all the more.
@szvan: @MockTM No, StarMan! Those aren’t supervillains! They’re disco pioneers!
@brx0: @MockTM – Hey, a martial arts battle starring a guy in an Evel Knievel suit. This is improving.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Okay, after the first five guys get knocked out with zero effort, they should have changed tactics. Like maybe nuking him.
@brx0: @MockTM Gotta say the movie has unusual notions about how gravity in space works.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What kind of engineer lets you blow up a space station by mangling its antenna? The kind that goes on to design the Death Star.
@brx0: @MockTM I remain astonished that metallic jumpsuits have never caught on in RL.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Holy shit. This movie has a Death Star. Holy. Shit.
@brx0: @MockTM Oh crap, a bigger space station. And it’s moving into Orbit EF. Which is near the “death star”, says the boss. Hmm.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In the vidscreen of Earth, there are two twinkling stars IN FRONT OF IT.
@brx0: @MockTM So far the bad guys don’t seem all that horrible, as far as alien invaders go.
@szvan: @MockTM If StarMan has a steel body, couldn’t they have made it a body of steel?
@brx0: @MockTM Ship now nearing the fiery death star. George Lucas totally ripped this off.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM What’s this!? Starman hit by a solar flare from the Death Star? Will his deadly namesake spell doom for our hero? Tune in next time!
@brx0: @MockTM So for this “death star”, I get the flames, but why does it have a rocky surface? Stars tend not to have those.
@szvan: @MockTM Pro tip: If you have to tell someone they’re completely under you’re power…they’re not completely under your power.
@brx0: @MockTM If you have to remind someone he’s been converted into a robot, it’s possible the treatment didn’t totally take.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How you doing back here, Dr. Yamanaka? You good? Still under our power? Want some milkshake, hmm? Yeah? Good?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM ProTip Addendum: don’t put the freshly brainwashed human in charge of the heat controls or weapons systems.
@brx0: @MockTM Other than a few martial arts scenes, playing Starman was kind of a no-heavy-lifting acting job, wasn’t it?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Ahahaha!” “What happened? Did we get Starman?” “No, not yet. There’s a Chris Rock routine on the in-flight entertainment system.”
@szvan: @MockTM But the secret of my ship is that it is protected solely by my teenaged daughter’s glare!
@brx0: @MockTM Weird how everyone can breathe in outer space now.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You, doctor, will build the ships with which we will conquer the universe.” “Uh, wait, question. What’s your medical coverage?”
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, the bad guys want to conquer the universe now. So maybe they’re bad after all.
@DrRubidium: #4realz RT @lousycanuck: @MockTM ProTip Addendum: don’t put the freshly brainwashed human in charge of the heat controls or weapons systems.
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, it’s ultimatum time. Not a bad ultimatum as far as these things go, although Lrrrr, Leader of Omicron Persei VIII still wins.
@brx0: @MockTM So our only hope is for all scientists to pool their resources & work together. In other words: DOOOOOOM!!!
@brx0: @MockTM Also, in the future, universe-conquering spaceships are designed by a guy doodling on a blank sheet of paper.
@szvan: @MockTM No! Not the sherpas!
@brx0: @MockTM There go some models of Empire State Building and the Diet Building in Tokyo. D’oh.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM So Tokyo is somewhere south of New York according to this alien general guy.
@szvan: @MockTM Well, if they aim those missiles where they pointed, I think the world’s population is safe.
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, a plan that relies on surprising the guards. I guess it was either that, or sneak through the air ducts.
@szvan: @MockTM The bad guys are bad, sure, but they do keep their prisoners in fresh hair ribbons.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Stop! You are forbidden to beat up on guards and steal their clothes!” “All right. We won’t do it any more.”
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, multiple guards surprised & overcome. Amazing how well that works in the movies.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Say… are those pigtails standard issue pseudoNazi hair style?
@brx0: @MockTM And once you have a guard uniform, you’re golden. Nobody remembers seeing you dressed as a prisoner an hour ago.
@brx0: @MockTM So the baddies act like space Nazis, but they dress kinda like they’re flying a Carnival cruise ship.
@brx0: @MockTM And as space Nazis, they can’t seem to settle on exactly how to salute each other. Stiff arm up? Stiff arm across the chest?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sabotage!” “Sound the emergency beluga!”
@brx0: @MockTM Finally, the ol “pace around & look for unfamiliar minions” method.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Go ahead! Execute them! No, wait, why are you marching them around? Don’t execute them by walking them to death! Use your guns!”
@brx0: @MockTM Firing squad out on the outside of the space station. Space atmosphere & gravity fail….
@szvan: @MockTM Hat at a rakish angle? Glitter hat band? Yeah, the bad guys really are just disco early-adopters.
@brx0: @MockTM And Starman reappears after vanishing for 20 minutes or so. Fisticuffs ensue.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The invulnerable Starman dual-wielding Lugers. Seems a bit senselessly murderous. I LIKE IT.
@brx0: @MockTM So Starman vs. a ton of baddies. Some he karate chops, others he just shoots (when pistols magically appear in his hands).
@brx0: @MockTM Gratuitous bicep flex. More pistols. And we’re back to fisticuffs.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Starman’s backflipping around now. Shit just got real.
@szvan: @MockTM I do have to admit, a machine gun makes a pretty bad ass smoke machine.
@brx0: @MockTM How can you conquer the universe if you’ve never heard of handcuffing your prisoners?
@brx0: @MockTM The closeup indicates it’s more of a slap fight than fisticuffs. I stand corrected.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Dude must have punched or shot a hundred nazis. Where are they all? Evaporated! Self-cleaning henchmen are a Spherion technology.
@szvan: @MockTM Dear impervious StarMan: Time to stop showing off and find the prisoner.
@brx0: @MockTM Another gratuitous bicep flex. Is this what Starman does instead of having a cheesy catchphrase?
@brx0: @MockTM Gratuitous backflips, and more slappicuffs.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yeah, why can’t you at least beat up on guys while working in the general direction of your goal?
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You just know Yamanaka’s going to die in a noble sacrifice, and Starman will come out completely unscathed. Such injustice.
@brx0: @MockTM Starting to think Starman movies were to Japan what Hercules movies were to Italy.
@szvan: @MockTM “Ooh, ooh! Call on me, captain! Call on me!”
@brx0: @MockTM This is actually becoming a very tedious fight sequence. Everyone is indestructible, apparently.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM 1% of the stars of this film have 99% of the superpowers! Occupy Starman!!!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You know, I think the little doodlybopper on top of Starman’s hood really ties his outfit together.
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, here we go. END BOSS!
@brx0: @MockTM What do you mean you still have to fight minions after whacking the end boss? That ain’t right.
@szvan: @MockTM The young woman with the machine gun is the only one who’s been smart through this whole thing. If she dies, I’m pissed.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Thank goodness it’s you Starman! I’ve been sitting here shooting nazis for like half an hour now! What took you so long?”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t worry about the young lady, folks. They only got rid of all the air in space in about 1968.
@brx0: @MockTM More “humans breathing in space” movie magic.
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, hi, dear. Um…sorry for leaving you behind and all that.
@brx0: @MockTM Also, Starman could totally catch the spaceship right now if he wanted to, but he kind of likes the snuggling.
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “More thrust! This baby can get up to Mach 80, I hear!”
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Mach 100?! Whaddaya, nuts!?” “More thrust.” “Turning it higher!” “More thrust.” “Look, I’ll just set it to Mach Infinity, okay?”
@brx0: @MockTM Hey, our heroes deflected the baddies into orbit EM-10! And now they’re speeding up to Mach 100! They mean business, guys.
@szvan: @MockTM After watching StarMan mug for 20 minutes, I’m kinda tired.
@brx0: @MockTM Ok, poof goes the space station. And Starman waves and flies off into the sunset. The End!
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Today’s lesson: flex. Always flex. Bullets will bounce off you if you flex.
@brx0: @MockTM And another super-abrupt B movie ending. I’d be curious exactly when & why movies stopped doing that.
@brx0: @MockTM I mean, the extended ending of “Return of the King” is practically longer than the whole of “Attack from Space” just by itself.