Maybe you’ve seen this around the blogosphere recently. I know I’ve only been exposed to ads for this over the past week or so, though I was aware of this particular cultivar of nonsense for some time prior. It’s called “Quantum Jumping”, and it’s, as near as I can figure, The Secret for sci-fi nerds. Skepacabra’s covered it some time ago, but it bears further exploration. Also, I’ve got time to kill and blog space to fill with as much ridiculous nonsense as I can put myself through. I’m doing it for you, folks. I suffer for my art.
The idea behind Quantum Jumping is that the multiverse theorized in M-Theory is real — the model wherein every quantum waveform that can exist splits off into its own separate duplicate universe so that everything that probabilisticly can happen, actually does happen, and every conceivable universe exists simultaneously. Within these infinite universes, every possible “you” — every path you could have taken, every set of skills you could have attained — is realized.
And with an infinite number of them, it means that anything that can happen, does happen—in another universe. So in effect, there is a universe where Obama never won the election and another where Princess Diana is still alive. There is a universe where you are the King of Scotland and a universe where you are a tea farmer in China. A universe where you are a celebrity musician, and one where you busk on a pavement for spare change.
Two right-wing dogwhistles in the second sentence. Interesting. Probably unimportant compared to the rest of this, but interesting nonetheless.
So the idea is you can meditate, and while meditating you can cross the multiverse barrier to visit the hypothesized (but as yet unproven) other universes. Then you’re able to dig around in the brain of the other you, and return to your universe knowing everything about whatever thing it was you wanted to learn about. Need to learn karate? No need for a Matrix-style program upload, just sit quietly for a bit and think about karate. Eventually you’ll “quantum jump” into a version of you that knows it, so you can come back and kick some Cobra Kai ass. Won’t Mr. Miyagi be proud!
That is apparently how this is supposed to work. Sure, you have to pay the big bucks to learn the proper meditating techniques to jump from one life to another, but Burt Goldman has apparently achieved great results through these meditative techniques in teaching himself how to take photographs, how to write, and how to be an internet businessman. Those are his claims to fame, and at a mere 83 years of age, how could those talents have come from a lifetime of experience? What possible explanation can there be for his abilities other than instantaneous learning through quantum jumping?
Even more interesting are the implications for geography and genetics. What qualifies as “you” if not your genes? Would your genes be the same if you were born to different parents? I suppose in a truly infinite multiverse, some confluence of genes would occur to make you X thing in Y arbitrary land mass subdivision, so it’s possible that there’s a version of you that grew up in China and farms tea. There’s also a version of you that’s a teabagger. Or a version of you that has three heads, if somehow three heads could be considered genetically close enough for this universe-surfing endeavour. Or a version of you who lives on a planet vastly different from our own, where the land is made of chocolate and the air tastes like strawberries. And the water like milk. So everyone lives on various combinations of milk, strawberries and chocolate. Let’s call it Planet Milkshake.
Something else that bothers me to no end — why aren’t you able to access versions of you who have access to knowledge unheard-of in our time? Why can’t we quantum leap into the body of the version of you that happens to be the inventor of faster than light travel or some other far-flung technology, to obtain knowledge humankind doesn’t have presently? Surely with 100,000+ people having downloaded his PDFs, someone’s thought of leaping into the body of a version of you that’s invented some as-yet uninvented bit of technology! I mean, the first thing I’d try to learn on quantum jumping is how to build a teleportation device. I bet that would come in incredibly handy, and could even be altered to resequence matter like they do on Star Trek. The planet wouldn’t have to starve! We could transmute rocks, poo, and Bibles, into potable water and food enough to feed every starving person on the planet.
The second thing I’d try is to find the version of me that has superpowers and try to absorb those. Especially if there’s a version of me that’s anything like Ozymandias who can “use 100% of his brain”. (Yeah, yeah. I’ll do a post on that nonsense eventually.) Then once I’m the smartest man in the world, with Mentat-like powers, I’ll solve all the planet’s problems pretty much between episodes of Enterprise — which I’ll watch at 100X fast forward. Then, like any good altruistic superhero after having solved all the world’s problems, I’ll turn supervillain, and take the place over. You’ll all cower before my might! You will bring me bacon and beer! THIS I COMMAND!!!
So since none of these things have happened yet, it seems only unintelligent, unambitious people have attempted to improve their lives through Quantum Jumping. Which is also interesting, given the number of very intelligent scientists name-dropped on the page as having proved Burt’s leaping hypotheses: Stephen Hawking, Michio Kaku, Neil Turok, and even an autographed image of Max Planck. I strongly suspect none of them (at least the living ones) were contacted about their names being used to play up how utterly sciencey this all is. Unless of course they were contacted via quantum jumping, at which point we can safely say none of THIS universe’s big names have been contacted. Not that they’d be necessary — they already have all the credibility they need with a name like “quantum jumping” and a leader who looks like Scott Bakula at 83.
I propose that as soon as possible, we figure out how to disconnect this universe from all the other hypothesized universes that we can’t prove because we can’t presently detect. And since we can’t detect them, and they’re only mathematical possibilities, I don’t see how we’re supposed to breach the interdimensional barriers (whatever they might or might not be) to get at them (if they exist). But still. Apparently thanks to Burt Goldman’s abilities, we’re now in a full-fledged interdimensional arms race where every human being on the planet is engaged in a struggle akin to Jet Li’s in The One. We need to stop people from jumping into and stealing our brains’ precious precious skills. Or we need to at least figure out how to outpace those other versions of us.
What skills do you folks propose we go after first? I’m thinking maybe nunchuck skills. Or bowhunting skills. Ladies go for guys with great skills, as I understand it. (I already have computer hacking skills. But not skillz-with-a-zed yet.)