What Do You Say to Grieving Non Believers?

This piece was originally published on AlterNet.

If you know someone who’s grieving a death, and they don’t believe in a God or in any sort of afterlife… what do you say?

A lot of religious and spiritual believers find themselves stymied, at a loss for words, when the atheists and other non-believers in their lives are grieving. The comforts and consolations they’re used to offering, and that they rely on themselves, don’t do much good with atheists and other non-believers. “It’s all part of a plan.” “I’m sure they’re smiling down on you now.” “You’ll see them in the afterlife.” Etc. At best, these notions are useless for atheists: at worst, they’re actually upsetting.

Some believers behave very badly indeed at these times. It’s all too common for religious believers to use death and grief, and the heightened vulnerability that comes with it, as an opportunity for proselytizing. And when confronted with the reality that non-believers usually aren’t comforted by religious sentiments, believers often get churlish and defensive: insisting that grieving non-believers should be comforted when believers offer religious platitudes, and getting irritated or even outright hostile when we don’t.

But many believers are entirely sincere in their desire to console the non-believers in their life. They care, they sympathize, they mean well. They genuinely want to help. They just don’t know how.

Which is understandable. Even some non-believers have a hard time knowing what to say to the grieving non-believers in their life. Many atheists were brought up in religion: they’ve been brought up framing death and grief in religious terms, and dealing with it with religious customs. And in American culture particularly, our social customs around death are very much rooted in religion. So when atheists reject those customs, they often don’t know what to replace them with.

So what, specifically, can people say — or do — to comfort and console the non-believers in their lives who are grieving? Continue reading “What Do You Say to Grieving Non Believers?”

What Do You Say to Grieving Non Believers?
{advertisement}

Caturday: Greta With All Three Kittens

Ahhhhh. So happy to be home again… with KITTENS!

So happy to be snuggling with kittens! So happy to be in my beautiful house, with my beautiful wife. So happy to be sleeping late on the weekend, listening to “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” walking in my neighborhood, buying fresh-baked bread, eating fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, tasting cardamom ice cream, re-reading Harry Potter, watching Project Runway, reading Vogue… So happy to not be traveling, not be desperately trying to write and self-publish a book in time for a ridiculous self-imposed deadline. And so happy to be snuggling with our cute, playful, mischievous, trouble-making, adorable KITTENS!

Can feel rage melting away. “Why Are You Atheists So Snuggly? 99 Things That Calm Down The Godless.” Ahhhhhhhh.

Caturday: Greta With All Three Kittens

"Why Are You Atheists So Angry?" – Answers To Some of Your Questions

So a bunch of you have been asking a bunch of questions about my new book, Why Are You Atheists So Angry? 99 Things That Piss Off the Godless. (Available on Kindle and Nook; soon to be available on Smashwords and in physical print!) So on the theory that for every person asking a question, there are a hundred people also wanting an answer, I thought that instead of answering them one at a time in the comments section, I’d answer them all together here.

First, in the You Didn’t Ask But I’m Telling You Anyway department: Why Are You Atheists So Angry? is, as of this writing, the #1 book on Amazon in the Atheism category. Not just the #1 Kindle book in the Atheism category — although it’s that, too. The #1 book in the category, period. And as of this writing, it’s the #120 best seller among all Kindle books. Yowsa. That doesn’t suck. Thanks so much to everyone who bought a book, and everyone who told their friends about it!

And now, to your questions. Continue reading “"Why Are You Atheists So Angry?" – Answers To Some of Your Questions”

"Why Are You Atheists So Angry?" – Answers To Some of Your Questions

What Atheists Are Thankful For

What are atheists thankful for?

At Skepticon IV, the Fellowship of Freethought Dallas were videoing attendees/ speakers/ organizers/ vendors/ passers-by, asking us what we were thankful for. The results are thoughtful, sweet, giddy, funny, joyful, touching, occasionally freaky, and almost uniformly inspiring. I found myself riveted for the entire fifteen minutes. (I weigh in at 4:49, with my own excitable, somewhat grandiose effusions.)

I really liked how some participants — specifically PZ Myers and David Silverman — questioned the entire idea of thankfulness in a world without God or any sort of cosmic intentionality. (I’m actually planning an entire post on the whole concept of intransitive gratitude, and whether it makes any sense.) And the contrast between the atheists’ responses and the lone theist’s is startling: almost all of the atheists have clearly thought carefully about what their lives mean and what matters most to them, and are grateful for very specific, concrete things and people… while the theist just sort of yammers on vaguely about Jesus.

It’s perfect for Thanksgiving. Have a happy one!

What Atheists Are Thankful For

Off to Skepticon – Brief Blog Semi-Break

I’m off to Skepticon today, I’ll be gone through Monday — and I don’t know how my time or my Internet connectivity will be when I’m away. (Hotels usually have wireless, but they sometimes make you pay for it, and I’m cheap.) So I may or may not be blogging much, or indeed at all, for the next few days. (I’ll do a Fashion Friday piece if I can — I know you’re all waiting breathlessly to hear my verdict on the new shellac manicures — but I’m making no promises.) See y’all soon!

Off to Skepticon – Brief Blog Semi-Break

Greta in D.C. 11/12, at CFI-DC 5th Anniversary Celebration

One last reminder: I’m going to be speaking in Washington D.C. this Saturday, Nov. 12, at the Center For Inquiry DC Fifth Anniversary Celebration. My topic: “What Can The Atheist Movement Learn from the LGBT Movement?” Other speakers at the event will be Jennifer Michael Hecht, Ronald Lindsay, and Melody Hensley: plus there’ll be awards, schmoozing, and general fun. If you’re in the area, come by and say hi!

EVENT/ HOSTS: Center For Inquiry DC Fifth Anniversary Celebration
DATE: Saturday, November 12
TIME: 5:00 pm
LOCATION: Busboys and Poets, 2021 14th St NW, Washington, DC 20009 (14th & V / U Street Cardozo Metro)
TOPIC: What the Secular Movement Can Learn from the LGBT Movement
SUMMARY: See above
OTHER SPEAKERS/ EVENTS: Poetry by Jennifer Michael Hecht; Ronald Lindsay; Melody Hensley; awards; schmoozing; and more!
COST: $45. Premier Seating: $100. Cost includes dinner; premiere seating includes reserved seating plus $55 tax deductible contribution. Registration required.

Hope to see you there!

Greta in D.C. 11/12, at CFI-DC 5th Anniversary Celebration