As posted previously: Message from some guy on Facebook:
Hello, I was just surfing through Facebook and your photo kept me wondering and admiring because it is indeed a rare privilege to come across such an angelic damsel i would love to be a friend **smile**
And less than two hours after I pointed out how sexist this was and why, the mansplainer brigade rushes in. From Facebook:
I’m sorry, is everyone here seriously piling on to someone (robot or real) because they tried to hit on somebody on facebook?
No. We are piling on because he was being sexist in his approach, focusing entirely on appearance with no attention to anything else. (Assuming this was a sincere approach from a real person who is now reading this thread, all of which I highly doubt.)
Really? Here you are, hedging your bets against being called a bitch all the while essentially being a rude person. Potato potatoe.
I actually thought my reply was quite polite, civil, calm, and straightforward. What about it was rude? Do you think that it is inherently rude for women to point out to men that their romantic/ sexual advances are unwanted, and that it’s sexist to focus their attention to women entirely on our appearance?
What is wrong with “no thank you” or “thanks but no thanks? “
What is wrong with telling men that their behavior is sexist and unwanted? Also, what’s wrong with letting women decide for ourselves how and when to respond to sexism?
I’m usually pretty supportive of your messages, but this seems less about feminism and women’s rights than it seems to be about being socially awkward (both you and him) and not knowing how to initiate or respond.
If this really were (as I highly doubt) a case of a socially awkward man making a sincere but ill-chosen approach, what’s wrong with pointing out that his behavior is alienating women and that he should behave differently if he wants women to like him? Wouldn’t sincere but socially awkward people want that feedback?
Don’t expect your followers to give you carte blanche for being rude just because you’re modality of rejection is being rude.
And again: What, exactly, was rude about my reply?
If this WAS. A human being that reached out to you, it seems to me that you had zero consideration for that person as a human, flaws and all.
Actually, I did treat him with consideration. Despite the fact that I think this is probably a total jerk at best and a scam-bot at worst, I gave him the most charitable interpretation of his words — that he was sincerely approaching me, and doing it badly. I explained what was wrong with his approach, and told him how to do better in the future, with no insults or name-calling. Again, you seem to think that it is inherently rude and inconsiderate for women to tell men when their behavior is sexist and unwanted. It seems that you have zero consideration for women who are targeted with sexism, and much more consideration for men who dish it out.
You made a pretty big (huge, in fact) assumption about that person without any information beyond his (or robots) initial attempt at contact. What a all, sad world to live in where everyone that doesn’t do or say EXACTLY the perfect thing to your liking is an enemy in the waiting. Dislike.
I made the assumption, based entirely on his own words, that he was approaching me based entirely on my photo, without ever having read anything I post. I made the assumption, based entirely on his own words, that he was focusing on my appearance without paying any attention to anything else about me. And I did not treat him as an enemy — unless, again, you think telling men when their behavior is sexist and unwanted qualifies as such.
Queue the mindless footsoldiers, most likely…
Yes, by all means — scold me for being rude, and then insult my friends and readers. m-/
…but I would seriously like to hear why you thought this approach was ok. To score internet points? I just don’t get it. Why even engage if that is how you feel?
Pointing out sexism in the world is, in the most literal sense of the word, my job.If you don’t like it when I do that, even when I do it in the calmest and most reasonable manner possible, I encourage you to stop reading my work.
*****
And then, just a couple hours later, the mansplaining continued from another source (albeit in a somewhat less aggressive vein):
Idk. Isn’t it possible he knows and even admires her and even had good intentions but is not very articulate or precise.
He was actually very precise. He complimented my appearance, based on my photo, without mentioning anything about interests or ideas based on my posts. (Assuming that this is a real person and not a scam-bot, that is, which seems unlikely.)
Not so much on t interweb, but irl when two people meet, often all they know of one another is info from appearance.
??? This is on the Interweb. We know lots about each other apart from appearance. (And even in the flesh, that isn’t necessarily true.)
Maybe to that guy “Angelic Damsel” to him is simply his generic compliment to women. Can’t “angelic” be used for caring, concerned, or compassionate . Otoh “damsel” might be t last word I would ever use to describe Greta. All i can do w that is go back to generic compliment.
Please read the post. He didn’t simply use the phrase “angelic damsel.” He went on about how much he wanted to be my friend, based entirely on my photo, with nothing else about my interests or ideas based on my posts. (And if he is handing out generic compliments — why should I see that as complimentary? I like being complimented for who I am.)
Being someone who is rarely a smooth talker myself, I tend to cut more slack for others .
Again — this isn’t about not being a smooth talker. Many men — and women — who I like very much and find very attractive are not smooth talkers. This is about a common form of sexism: treating women as if the only thing about us that’s interesting and attractive is our appearance.
But what do I know.
It would be soooooo easy to run with this. But I’m trying to be baseline civil here, so I’m not going to.
