This originally appeared as a guest post on Ozy Frantz’s Blog. Ozy has taken down their blog, so I am reprinting it here instead.
She sometimes forgets that this was her idea.
She’s getting confused about this, and she forgets that she’s the one who talked him into it. She forgets that she’s the one who found the Website, with the handbook and the Bible quotes and the stories: all that stuff about how God wants husbands to decide and wives to obey, how it was God’s will for a husband to physically chastise his wife, how it restored the natural order of a marriage for a husband to spank his wife when she misbehaves. She forgets how intriguing she found it: like an adventure in marriage, an exciting secret with God’s blessing. She forgets how eager she was to show him the stories: the devotion of the rituals, the constant cycles of defiance and penitence, the loving attention to the physical details of implements and undergarments and bare bottoms being revealed. All by command of the inerrant word of God.
His reaction to it — now that, she remembers. He was shocked: but not the way she’d expected. Not at the ideas or the stories. He was shocked that it was her presenting them. He kept asking her, “Don’t you know?” “Don’t you know what people think of this stuff?” “Don’t you know that this stuff is sick?” When she showed him the stories, it was like he’d been reminded of an unsettling dream he’d been trying to forget. And when she showed him the handbook, with its extensive explanations of why this sort of relationship was not only accepted by God but sanctioned and blessed by Him, he looked both relieved and ashamed, like he’d been given permission to do something he knew was sinful and terrible.
But she forgets that it was her idea. She forgets how hard she pleaded with him to at least try it; how happy she was when he cautiously agreed; how excited she was the first time he told her that she’d been bad and he was going to do it right then and there.
She forgets because it’s hard. It hurts, and it’s hard.
Parts of it are okay. That’s part of why she’s confused. Parts of it are a lot like how she imagined when she first found the website. The shy excitement when she pulls down her panties; the thrill of fear when she refuses and he pulls them down for her; the rush of helplessness when he takes her over his knee; the struggle for power; the revelatory joy of giving in; the softness and openness and sense of rightness with God and the world when it’s over and her husband has put her in her place.
But when the hard blows are landing on her bare bottom, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts too much. Sometimes it hurts more than she can take… and it doesn’t matter, he’s in control, she has to take it anyway. The literature says that he doesn’t need her consent for this: the law may disagree, it says, but God has given the husband the right to discipline his wife as he sees fit. She didn’t take that seriously at first. Now, when she’s writhing and crying and begging for mercy that isn’t coming, she knows exactly what it means.
She’s read the literature. She knows that it has to really hurt for it to work, that it has to hurt too much. She knows that hurting too much is what takes a disobedient wife from protest to panic, and from panic to surrender and remorse and obedience. But when it’s hurting too hard, and she’s struggling and crying and begging him to stop… then she doesn’t know how this started, or where it’s going, or anything at all except panic and pain. The panic overwhelms her, and surrender seems a million miles away. She tries not to struggle — she knows struggling will just get her punished harder — but her reflexes kick in, and she fights it, outraged, terrified, desperate. When he pulls down her panties and punishes her hard, it feels like the hand of God is driving into her bare bottom. And she has no more power to stop it than she does to stop God.
So she’s confused. Her feelings about it are all mixed up, and she forgets that she set this into motion.
Plus she forgets because it’s changing.
This is an extended excerpt from story “Christian Domestic Discipline,” one of the stories in “Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More” by Greta Christina. Available as an eboook on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords: audiobook and print editions coming soon.