Well, I Missed Talk Like a Pirate Day…

…but it looks like I could still make Talk Like a Republican Day:

Now, for Pirates, the “talk” has pretty much crystalized around outdated nautical terms (eg: “hoist the gibbards and flagrums! Unmarnish the pocks and lee or it’s the squibbens for ye!!”) followed by liberal use of the word “Avast” and total overapplication of the syllable “Arrr”.

But, in my Utopian future, when contemporary republican mores have long-since been rejected for the medieval throwback that they are, what will it mean to “talk like a Republican”? Well, for that answer, we need to turn to the time-honored pseudoscience of linguistics (with apologies to Lakoff & Chomsky, it’s only “pseudo” the way I’m about to do it). Linguistic theory would start us out with three major dialect groups of fake republicanese:

1. Flagrant stereotyping: pretty much as in the example above. Just take all the stuff we hate about republicans and talk about it as if you had a thong wrapped around your brain real tight:

Gurgh! Bring me some Jesus car oil beer! Urgh! Macaca!

I don’t actually approve of this dialect, since it involves stereotyping, which offends my delicate liberal sensibilities on principle.

2. Excessive Malapropisms: Pretty much the way I imagine Rick Davis talking. This is by fair the most straightfrontward way of going about it. Irregardless of how well you know your republican talking points, it’s easy to sound republican these days if you just talk a little ineducated. In lieu of what a total ignoramis our president has been, one can see how the republicans earned that imprimotter. Still, I’m not as inflatulated with this dialect, as it seems kind of pubile.

3. Framing Diarrhea: This is my favorite dialect, and the one I encourage all of you to slip into your comments for the rest of the day (oh and don’t worry about explaining it, just put a link back to this diary…). Not to legislate from the diary or anything, but we’re in a war on fundamentalist extremism. We need to serve a cause greater than our own self-interest, and get the republicans off our backs. We need to reduce the size of sentences, and strengthen subordinate clauses. After all, conjugation should be between a subject and a verb. We need to restore participle values and leave no preposition behind. This is no time to cut and run – We are all republicans now.

The rest of that diary had me howling, despite the fact I can’t breathe, and the only part of my face I can really feel after so much cold medicine is the region where my sinuses are threatening to explode. “Arr, *hack cough hack*” rather kills the mystique of talking like a pirate, but “hack” is dead-on for talking like a Republicon. I think I can attempt this:

“My friends, the fundamentals of our health are strong. I said ‘Thanks but no thanks’ to that healthcare to nowhere – if we wanted health insurance that wouldn’t do us a darned bit of good, we’d pay for it ourselves. The solution to intolerable sinus pressure is to ‘drill baby drill!’ And that’s the kind of change I will bring to this cold and flu season.”

Well, that was easy. I just feel this bizarre urge to take a shower now…

Well, I Missed Talk Like a Pirate Day…
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Jesus is My Laundry Detergent

Every night during the drive home for work, I swivel my head to see what kind of claptrap the local frothing Christian readerboard wants me to believe now.

Tonight, they would like me to know that Jesus is my laundry detergent:

JESUS CHRIST
IS ALL


And, my goodness, they must be right. It says so right on the bottle:


See? All. Mighty. Almighty.

So… Am I desecrating the Lord when I use the All Mighty to clean the litter box? Am I still allowed to recycle the bottle? And why hasn’t Jesus been able to get rid of those stupid annoying armpit stains on my white hoodie?

I should drop by and ask. Who wants to go with me to snap reaction shots?

Jesus is My Laundry Detergent

Reasons to Vote Republicon

Do you need a good laugh on this hurricane-ravaged Saturday morning? Well, then. If you’re drinking something, I suggest you swallow before proceeding.

Ready for some great reasons to vote Republicon? Here ye go, a selection of my favorites:

I’m voting Republican because being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

I’m voting Republican because “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

I’m voting Republican because the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

I’m voting Republican because a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

I’m voting Republican because Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

I’m voting Republican because a president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

There’s a lot more reasons to vote Republicon. Nothing like having your blood boil while you’re laughing, is there? Go. Enjoy.

Reasons to Vote Republicon

From the Dept. of "Why the Fuck Didn't I Think of That?!"

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard the story of Rep. Lynn “I Think the Ten Commandments are the Most Importantest Laws Evah but I Only Know Three of Them” Westmoreland and his Macaca Moment.

(For those of you who’ve been getting all of your political fuckery news from this site: go catch up at the above link. You won’t be able to savor what follows without the whole story.)

Pretty unbelievably racist, with an outrageously stupid defense to boot, eh? You may have been outraged. You may have been offended. You probably didn’t think it could lead to some enormous entertainment in the hands of the right citizen. Hilzoy has the story:

From Bookman’s comments section:

“This morning I called Westmoreland’s office:

Them: Good morning, Congressman Westmoreland’s office.

Me: Good morning, I would like to make a public comment.

Them: Yes, sir, what is your comment?

Me: I would like to compliment Congressman Westmoreland on his comments yesterday about Barack Obama. We need more people like him to call a spade a spade. You crackers in Georgia must be very proud.

Them: [long pause] Sir, there’s no need to be insulting.

Me: I’m sorry, but how did I insult you?

Them: There is no need to call me a cracker.

Me: I’ve never heard that term used in a derogatory sense. It is important to note that the dictionary definition of “cracker” is “a thin, crisp biscuit.” That’s what we meant by cracker when we used it in the city where I grew up.

Them: Well, that’s not how you meant it.

Me: Oh, so what you’re saying is that you don’t like being called names. Now you know how it feels.

Them: [another long pause] Sir, I have to take another call.”

Heh. Indeed.

Damn, I love democracy!

From the Dept. of "Why the Fuck Didn't I Think of That?!"

Run Away!!!

Oh, those strapping, brave Republicons! Always eager to pitch in and fight like furies until their guy’s elected – or not:

NM-Sen: This one, on the other hand, is in fact done, at least per the NRSC.

The embattled Red Army is pulling out.

According to published reports by the Politico and Associated Press, the National Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee has canceled its entire $2.3 million television buy for the New Mexico Senate race, essentially abandoning its nominee Steve Pearce and conceding the state. New Mexico joins Virginia in the category of states the NRSC has conceded by declining to run any television ads in support of the Republican nominee.

According to the AP, the NRSC canceled its New Mexico ads a little more than a week after the committee announced it “would have to scale back advertising in battleground states because Republican senators haven’t contributed enough money to compete with Democrats.” Politico writes that the “committee has reserved time in every other competitive state, but financial constraints may force further cutbacks in ad buys.”

“Tom Udall is running an outstanding campaign in New Mexico, and we expect him to be the next United States Senator from the state,” DSCC spokesman Matthew Miller said. “Three months ago the NRSC said they wouldn’t waste money on races they couldn’t win, and by pulling out of New Mexico, they are backing up their words with action.”

Glorious. They DO know how to retreat from a fight they can’t win!

Puts me in mind of a song…

Run Away!!!

But What If The Enquirer's Right?

McCain campaign chief Steve Schmidt in full whine:

And late Wednesday afternoon, Schmidt made a second statement threatening legal action against the National Enquirer for its report that Palin had an extramarital affair. “The smearing of the Palin family must end. The allegations contained on the cover of the National Enquirer insinuating that Governor Palin had an extramarital affair are categorically false. It is a vicious lie.”

You know, Steve, I would’ve agreed with you… before this happened:

The National Enquirer yesterday published a story claiming it had caught John Edwards meeting with an alleged mistress and illegitimate child. Then again, the Enquirer hasn’t been able to produce quotes, photos or even eyewitness accounts. And the mainstream media seems to be ignoring it, for the most part.

And they turned out to be right:

John Edwards admitted to ABC News in an interview with Bob Woodruff Friday (WATCH THE INTERVIEW) that he repeatedly lied about an extramarital affair with a 42-year old campaign employee, but strenuously denied being involved in paying the woman hush money or fathering her newborn child.

Let’s just face it: the Enquirer sucks leper donkey dick as far as breaking real news, and maybe they just lucked into the truth for once, but you know, when it comes to panty-sniffing sleaze, you can’t dismiss ’em out of hand anymore.

But regardless, thanks for bringing it up, Steve. In the deluge of other scandal, I’d missed that one. And hey, “enquiring minds want to know!”

But What If The Enquirer's Right?

Excuse Me, Mr. Ridge. Your Freudian Slip is Showing.

Quoth Tom Ridge:

“Because John Bush – because John McCain is very much his own man.”

Ja, you betcha:

According to a CQ analysis of Senate votes on issues President Bush expressed “an explicit, stated opinion,” Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) voted with President Bush 100 percent of the time in 2008 and 95 percent of the time in 2007.

Total maverick, Tom. Absolutely.

Excuse Me, Mr. Ridge. Your Freudian Slip is Showing.

May My Books Burn

I’m usually mightily offended when ignorant fuckwits burn books. The world has lost countless irreplacable manuscripts because some rabid religious freaks got it into their heads that either some or all books are intolerably wicked and must suffer the same fate as witches, heretics, and scientists.

It makes me sick when I think of Christians burning the library at Alexandria. One of the greatest repositories of learning in the ancient world reduced to ashes, all for the sake of some podunk tribal god from Israel with delusions of grandeur and an allergy to education.

It outrages me to look over the horribly long list of notable book burnings at Wikipedia, and realize this reflects only a fraction of the destruction.

I can’t stand the raving dumbasses who would destroy what they don’t understand.

So you might be surprised to learn that I was delighted when J.K. Rowling’s books were consigned to the pyre. (I know, I know – which time, right?) I’ll tell you what I was thinking: for one thing, the burners were proving just how insane fundamentalist religion is, and for another, they had to buy the books.

I love the fact they have to shell out money to the author to indulge in their little fits.

That’s why I giggled again when Dispatches from the Culture Wars announced yet another Rowling roast. Rowling has sold – let me consult teh Google – ah, yes, nearly half a million billion books by now. My outrage meter only hits the red when something irreplacable is burned by religious frothers. I don’t think they’re going to manage half a million any time soon. Harry Potter will be passed down to posterity, and all will be well.

Not to mention, it got me to thinking…

What can I do to ensure my books are also burned?

Book sales. Free publicity. Proof that I’m hated by all the right people.

This would be fantastic.

Now mind you, it saddens me that we live in a society where people think that burning books is a fine idea, and where a sizable minority of the population is this ignorant and intolerant. That’s bad. But since they’re here, and since we haven’t figured out a way to rid ourselves of them, we might as well milk them for all they’re worth.

So here’s a thought: perhaps I should offer bulk discounts for fundies who want to make an example of my immortal prose. I could send out fliers with helpful bullet points (and lots of CAPITAL LETTERS and FONT SIZE CHANGES and PRETTY COLORS!!1!1!!) enumerating everything evil in my novels. I should probably set up a website with nifty little tools for planning a book burning and helpful links to distributors of books, lighter fluid, and marshmallows. I might even go round to churches, wearing little satin devil horns and describing what makes me the Antichrist. I could pay people to wear sandwich boards, hand out leaflets, and phone pastors, urging people to consign this terrible evil to the fire.

For the reasonable price of, oh, say, $19.98 per hardcover, $3.98 per paperback, minimum order of 100 copies.

And if this thing really takes off, consider the tie-ins. Effigies of the author. How-to videos. CDs of cheery songs to sing while the evil books burn. T-shirts. The possibilities are endless.

Should be relatively easy to get fundies to bite. After all, in the very first novel in the series, we’ve got gay main characters, not to mention godless civilizations and probably a billion other things I haven’t identified that are sure to get the fundies foaming.

And just wait until we get to the part of the series set in the modern age and you see what’s said about evangelical Christianity. Whoo-boy. Mind you, those bits were written before I became an evil atheist, and indeed many were written before I’d even left the last vestiges of Christianity behind. You can well imagine what it’s going to look like now.

Wait till they get a load of the beastiality… heh. I should earn a bonfire for that one.

So yes, I do indeed hope the fundies are offended enough by my books to burn them. Not only will they be contributing to my upkeep, they’ll be giving me a baseball bat to beat them with. After all, if I’m well-known enough to be worthy of a book burning, I shall also be famous enough to have people sit up and take note when I give lectures on exactly why book burners should be laughed out of civilization.

And that will give me a warm feeling much akin to standing by a roaring fire on a cold day.

May My Books Burn