Really Terrible Bible Inspirations: Craven Hubbies Edition

I’m about a third of the way through Really Terrible Bible Stories vol. 2: Exodus, and I am already longing for the days of Genesis. I mean, God was still a complete asshole, and the people were mostly awful, but at least God wasn’t quite so sadistic. He was still a complete bully who delights in others’ pain, but in Exodus, he’s really refined his tormenting technique. And yet, for all the blood and gore and evil, it’s a hideously boring book in a lot of places. So I’ve got a job o’ work ahead of me, not merely stripping off God’s mask to reveal the shitlord beneath, but also stripping out the boring bits.

One thing Exodus is mercifully free of is cowardly husbands. You know the ones. Remember Abraham, who tried to pass Sarah off as his sister? Twice? And then it turns out that she is his sister! He married his half-sister. Ew. And then he was too much of a coward to stand up to other men, but made her pretend to be unmarried so the horny dudes would creep on her without trying to kill him. What a mensch.

Image shows a mostly-closed yellow water lily against black water. Verse printed on it is Genesis 20:10-12: And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What sawest thou, that thou hast done this thing?  And Abraham said, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife's sake.  And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.

This is the patriarch of three major religions? That explains so much about why they’re all so fucked up.

Of course, like father, like son. Abraham’s special favorite (aside from that one time he tried to sacrifice the kid) pulls the same trick:

Image shows a cluster of sunlit pink-and-white tulips, framed in black. Verse printed on black portions is Genesis 26:9: "And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her."

These people are terrible. And yet, they’re praised to the rafters in church most Sundays. Oy.

If you want any of today’s Really Terrible Bible Inspirations, which include a delightful water lily from Mount St. Helens’s own Silver Lake, and lovely tulips from the Skagit Valley, they’re available on a variety of stuffage at Red Bubble.

Feel free to share the images around as long as my identifying info stays on – they’re copyrighted, but I certainly don’t mind non-commercial use with attribution. Have fun with them! Do tell me if you get any Christianist heads to explode.

 

Really Terrible Bible Stories vol. I: Genesis is now available at Amazon! Worldwide, even! To order outside the United States, visit your country’s Amazon website and search for “Really Terrible Bible Stories” by Dana Hunter. Thanks for reading!

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Really Terrible Bible Inspirations: Craven Hubbies Edition
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7 thoughts on “Really Terrible Bible Inspirations: Craven Hubbies Edition

  1. 2

    Dana, just take heart in knowing that the terrible people never existed. That may not be much consolation but it’s all I got.
    Also, there is so much boring stuff the first parts of the OT and also in the middle. If you can make it thru you deserve an award of some kind

  2. rq
    3

    Are you going to make inspirational posters for all the genealogical listings, too? Something about sons-and-only-sons matter when figuring out your family tree? Though that might be too much text for one poster… all those begats.

    Regarding the ‘marrying one’s sister’ idea, well, that’s how it works for royal families: keep the royal in the family, please! And I note it was okay because she was a daughter of his father but not of his mother – was the maternal blood maybe not as acceptable, that it wouldn’t have been okay had she been a daughter of his mother but not of his father? Oh but I forget, it was the maternal line, so obviously only (at least) half as valuable in doing god’s most divinely work.

    I love the photos, by the way. You’ve captured some amazing colours there!

  3. 5

    Since you are on Exodus, here you can find some current analysis in 16 hours of lectures (of which I have so far watched 12) and can find out how the stories of the exodus may have come about. You can also find out about the origins of Yahweh. And if you understand French you can find out about the origins of the various stories about Abraham.

    Some of the things I learned: Way back then there may have been tales about an exodus that did not involve Moses. The earliest stories about Moses did not include his siblings. Also, the author of the early version was not aware of stories of the patriarchs.

    Regarding all those sister-wife stories – why do they exist? What did the people who composed them and those that decided to include them in the canon intend by having these stories there? On the one hand we are supposed to be impressed by how sexy those elderly women were. But what are we supposed to think of their husbands? Were these stories ever read as anything but examples of moral failure? And if so – why this same failure again and again?

  4. 6

    Regarding all those sister-wife stories – why do they exist? What did the people who composed them and those that decided to include them in the canon intend by having these stories there?

    As I understand it, when there are multiple almost identical stories like that, they are just different versions of the same myth. The editors of the Torah didn’t want to step on any toes so they included all the versions and tried to edit them into a narrative so that they all could be true.

    A single version of the story wouldn’t be so bad, as myths go. I could see the point of it being Abraham fucking up because of cowardice and Yahweh bailing him (and Sarah) out by sending a dream-o-gram to the relevant king.

    It also illustrates that neighboring kings are afraid of Yahweh. Your average bronze ager might think it was cool and important that their neighbors be afraid of or at least respect “our god(s)”.

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