Hello, there! Are you unhappily joined to a defective uterus, or missing yours altogether? Are you in the market for a working model, but can’t afford a brand-new one (mostly because medical science hasn’t advanced to the point where they can be mass-produced in the lab quite yet, and so you’d have to be a trillionaire to afford the R&D)? Have most of the used uteri you’ve seen for sale been too expensive, too extensively used, or otherwise incompatible?

You’re in luck! I’ve got just the uterus for you. It’s (reasonably) young, has never been used for childbirth, and is only slightly evil. I’m giving it away free* to a good home. It could be yours today!

Of course, as with any uterus, there are quirks you should be aware of before transplantation. This uterus likes to masquerade as a threatening caller from horror films. About ten days before menstruation is due to begin, it will begin making calls, hinting about the agony to come. The frequency of the threats will increase as it comes closer to following through on its terrible promises. Bribe it with copious amounts of ibuprofen and cursing, however, and you should be fine.

Once it’s established this pattern and you’ve become accustomed to it, this uterus will switch tactics, and strike with no warning at all. It may wait until you are on vacation and have forgotten to bring feminine protection and pain medication. You can avoid serious problems by always making sure you’re within a few miles of a drugstore, even if you’d rather lose yourself in the wilderness for weeks.

Other times, it will begin its ten-day warning calls, and keep them up for weeks or even a month, without ever following through. It will stop responding to all over-the-counter attempts to shut it the fuck up. All you can do in this case is slowly grow more miserable and angry until, at last, it tires of tormenting you psychologically and begins the physical part of the cycle. I’m sorry, but all you can do is tough this technique out. It’s a small price to pay for a working uterus, if a working uterus is what you want!

This uterus has been my boon companion through decades of menstrual excitement, and now it could be yours! It’s eminently suited for providing you offspring, which is a good enough reason for putting up with the damned thing bringing it home today!

Uteri like this would normally sell for thousands of dollars. But it’s yours free* if you take delivery today. Act now, before this once-in-a-lifetime offer is no longer available! Don’t let some other person end up with this prime reproductive organ that could be nestled in your very own body. Have this beauty become your very own transplant, and begin enjoying its benefits immediately after your recovery!

While you’re recovering, why not embroider a symbol of your wonderful future with your bright sniny new uterus? Just imagine all the fun you will have together!

Act now! Operators are standing by. They’ll just have to scrub first.

*The uterus itself is free of charge. However, in order to take possession, transplantee must pay donor’s medical expenses, plus reasonable recovery costs. Ovaries not included. Uterus is non-returnable, non-refundable, and includes no warranty. Offer void where prohibited by law.