After the diatribe below, we can all stand some laughs.
So here it is. Driving home tonight, I got to thinking: what would it really take to convince me, on a personal level, that God exists? Aside from God descending from Heaven, subjecting Himself to a battery of scientific tests that prove His divinity, and then going around smacking fundies upside the head and saying, “UR DOIN IT WRONG,” then bringing about world peace and harmony after apologizing for letting the lunatics take over the asylum, amazing what people get up to when you sneak out just for a few millennia to play golf the next universe over, terribly sorry, won’t happen again.
That would work. So might this:
1. God knocks on the door. Not a Jehovah’s Witness, not a Mormon, God Himself. Or Herself. Or Itself. Or selves. Or whatever.
2. God has Christian Bale standing there with him/her/it/self or selves.
3. God makes introductions.
4. Christian Bale, after reading this blog and my website, has fallen head-over-heels, but since I blog under a pseudonym and he was too chickenshit to just email, hasn’t been able to track me down to say so in person.
5. God decided to take matters in hand/s and play matchmaker.
6. God then vanishes, leaving us to our own devices.
7. But the beautiful moment doesn’t last, because there’s another knock at the door.
8. It’s a publisher, coming to personally beg me to finish my magnum opus, here’s a million dollar advance, and just look at this marketing package we’ve whipped up.
9. The publisher passes Neil Gaiman on his way down the stairs.
10. Neil has come to invite me to speak with him on writing matters at some prestigious convention.
11. And has already written a blurb for my book.
12. Because God gave him an advance copy.
13. Of a book that hasn’t been written yet.
14. Which has also been read and praised by all of my other favorite authors.
15. Who couldn’t show up personally because they’re too busy reading my second, as-yet-unwritten book, and can’t put it down.
16. Neil then says, And would you and Christian Bale like to have dinner with all of us next week?
17. Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers will be providing the music.
18. Roger secretly worships you, although you understand, he does love his wife.
That, my darlings, is roughly the sequence of utterly impossible events it would take in order for me to, fully, truly and without a single doubt, believe in God.
Christians who wish to convert me: get praying.