When you have a classic story, why would you need a lead who can act or sets that don’t look like sound stages or fight choreography? Sword of the Valiant is one of those movies where you’ll recognize nearly everyone on screen. Out of politeness, however, you’ll pretend you don’t.
This Wednesday, we’re doing a Mock the Movie special event. The Curly Hair Mafia are joining us for extra snark and science. Real science. Not the kind you’ll find in the movie. The Curly Hair Mafia are a trio of scientists who show no pity for either bad science or bad assumptions about who a movie’s audience is. We expect them to have plenty to say about this movie.
What? Oh, which movie? The Core. It’s bad. It’s very bad. We’ll all tell you just how bad this Wednesday.
No, this rapture isn’t for the movie. It isn’t even for Nic Cage starring in the movie. This Rapture is the movie, specifically Left Behind. Because, you know, it wasn’t bad enough when they did it with Kirk Cameron in 2000. They had to find a way to make it worse.
Let’s just hope worse means more mockable.
One of the best parts of finding movies to mock is reading reviews on IMDB. They’re often scathing, provide amazing insights on what kind of crumbs moviegoers are willing to settle for, and occasionally provide gems like this.
To be fair to this movie, it might have had a chance had it been directed and produced by someone else – anyone else – than the now infamous Uwe Boll. Mr Boll can perhaps most accurately be described as a modern-day Ed Wood, and is at best a director whose work produces performances of the finest teak, whose stories have the gravitas and literacy of a MacDonalds burger wrapper, the visual crafting and fine artistic sensibilities of a no parking sign, and whose cinematic inspiration apparently stems solely from bargain bin video games of the 1980s.
Yes, we’ll be returning to the world of Uwe Boll with In the Name of the King: Two Worlds this Wednesday.
You’d think we could title about half the bad movies out there “exploding cars” for short, but this one is special. Near as we can tell, it turns out that being a stunt driver requires some sort of supernatural ability to cause every car in you vicinity to explode on contact with any inanimate object. The interminable chase scenes are just icing.
But really, we’re watching Executive Target for Keith David.
The tarantella is a dance, supposedly with its origin in a spider bite. Tarantella is also a spider woman, according to Mesa of Lost Women. You can tell by those things on her fingers. And by the dancing, which isn’t anything like a tarantella, but why invest in new words when you can grab some old ones and call the whole thing “ethnic”?
There’s something heartwarming about having people think of you every time they watch a truly terrible movie. Also something a little scary. Still, every once in a while, we find a movie this way we need to inflict on ourselves and others (mostly others).
Icetastrophe is one of these movies. Want to know what this movie is like? Picture a production crew asking themselves just how wrong they could get the science without adding any entertainment value by it, then saying, “But we need more explosions.”
A while back, we mocked the 2000 Dungeons & Dragons movie. Literally the only things memorable about the movie were Jeremy Irons’ teethmarks all over the set and the ease with which the superhuman henchfreak was finally dispatched in the end. This means, of course, that we have to watch the sequel, Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God if for no other reason than to find out how Damodar survived.
If? Heh. Who am I kidding. There is no other reason.
Look, we can’t help it if Nessie likes Minnesota better than the Highlands of Scotland. We’re clearly just better. It has absolutely nothing to do with the cost of filming overseas from your production office. Nothing at all. Come mock Beyond Loch Ness (aka Loch Ness Terror) with us and see how wonderful the area is. After all, there has to be something good about this movie, right?
Yeah, that’s totes Lake Superior.
Oh, the things a studio will do to prevent the rights for a superhero movie from reverting to the comics studio that owns the characters. Like making a movie they never intend to release so they can make a different one a decade later. Like hiring Roger Corman to produce that movie.
This Wednesday, we’re watching the 1994 version of The Fantastic Four. It feels a bit unfair, because everyone was trying to make the best movie they could with the resources they hadn’t been given. It’s okay, though. We’ll still mock it.