Honestly, Witchboard wasn’t a very good horror movie, but it wasn’t terrible either. It was, however, entirely a product of its time, from the moral panic over mass-produced “supernatural” toys to the hair. Oh, the hair. And the Eighties? Now, they were terrible. So I expect they’ll be most of what we’re mocking with this Halloween choice.
This month, we take on a divisive movie. Depending on who you ask, Valhalla Rising is either a grandly cinematic (we think that means it’s a movie) take on meaning or meaninglessness or…something, or it’s a bunch of pieces of footage in search of a plot. Given the movie’s themes of dirt, blood, and Christianity, we have a pretty good idea where we’re going to land. Still, we’ll give it a shot. We have Twitter to keep us company if–or when–things go horribly awry.
This one is available on Netflix. Continue reading “Mock the Movie: That Happened Edition”
Blame Pokémon Go.
There we were, bullshitting on Twitter about the inevitable backlash deriving from a simple video game being virally popular. I made a crack about Mock the Movie being ready for the moral panic movie whenever it came out, and someone asked whether we’d ever mocked Mazes and Monsters. Weirdly enough, the answer was “No.” So it’s time to fix that. This is the movie that would be known as Tom Hanks’ lead film debut if it weren’t instead known for being overwhelmingly paranoid about a game.
This was a television movie, so we don’t have a trailer to share with you. Instead, have this lovely little clip as a teaser.
When you have a classic story, why would you need a lead who can act or sets that don’t look like sound stages or fight choreography? Sword of the Valiant is one of those movies where you’ll recognize nearly everyone on screen. Out of politeness, however, you’ll pretend you don’t.
This Wednesday, we’re doing a Mock the Movie special event. The Curly Hair Mafia are joining us for extra snark and science. Real science. Not the kind you’ll find in the movie. The Curly Hair Mafia are a trio of scientists who show no pity for either bad science or bad assumptions about who a movie’s audience is. We expect them to have plenty to say about this movie.
What? Oh, which movie? The Core. It’s bad. It’s very bad. We’ll all tell you just how bad this Wednesday.
No, this rapture isn’t for the movie. It isn’t even for Nic Cage starring in the movie. This Rapture is the movie, specifically Left Behind. Because, you know, it wasn’t bad enough when they did it with Kirk Cameron in 2000. They had to find a way to make it worse.
Let’s just hope worse means more mockable.
One of the best parts of finding movies to mock is reading reviews on IMDB. They’re often scathing, provide amazing insights on what kind of crumbs moviegoers are willing to settle for, and occasionally provide gems like this.
To be fair to this movie, it might have had a chance had it been directed and produced by someone else – anyone else – than the now infamous Uwe Boll. Mr Boll can perhaps most accurately be described as a modern-day Ed Wood, and is at best a director whose work produces performances of the finest teak, whose stories have the gravitas and literacy of a MacDonalds burger wrapper, the visual crafting and fine artistic sensibilities of a no parking sign, and whose cinematic inspiration apparently stems solely from bargain bin video games of the 1980s.
Yes, we’ll be returning to the world of Uwe Boll with In the Name of the King: Two Worlds this Wednesday.
You’d think we could title about half the bad movies out there “exploding cars” for short, but this one is special. Near as we can tell, it turns out that being a stunt driver requires some sort of supernatural ability to cause every car in you vicinity to explode on contact with any inanimate object. The interminable chase scenes are just icing.
But really, we’re watching Executive Target for Keith David.
The tarantella is a dance, supposedly with its origin in a spider bite. Tarantella is also a spider woman, according to Mesa of Lost Women. You can tell by those things on her fingers. And by the dancing, which isn’t anything like a tarantella, but why invest in new words when you can grab some old ones and call the whole thing “ethnic”?
There’s something heartwarming about having people think of you every time they watch a truly terrible movie. Also something a little scary. Still, every once in a while, we find a movie this way we need to inflict on ourselves and others (mostly others).
Icetastrophe is one of these movies. Want to know what this movie is like? Picture a production crew asking themselves just how wrong they could get the science without adding any entertainment value by it, then saying, “But we need more explosions.”