I Need an Aspirin

Although that may be assuming a bit much.

GOP Aspirin

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Lucky you. Go read Emily’s post, “Men should just shove aspirin up their urethras“. Then, while you’re calming down, enjoy some of the spontaneous art created out of internet rage.


As fair as the turnabout on reproductive health may be, it is true that any expertise in this maneuver died out with the rest of Friess’ generation. Luckily, the scientists who contribute to the Journal of Are You Fucking Kidding are here to help, albeit in only a PG manner.


I know. I know. I expect those pictures will come along soon enough, but I haven’t seen any yet. If anyone does spot these in the wild, I expect a link in the comments.

And a couple more user-generated ecards. I love the way any democratizing of art becomes political.



Seen any other good pics around?

I Need an Aspirin
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35 thoughts on “I Need an Aspirin

  1. 1

    I’ve been using a line similar to the last image to point out to my the stupidity of the Catholic Bishops and Republican’s approach. My line is: “Remember only old white men know how to run a uterus.”

    He finds the absurdity amusing.


  2. 6

    What awful news.

    Myself, I feel that even birth control isn’t enough. Our environmental crisis is now so dire that only sharp negative population growth is the solution.

    As such, I think that first-world residents who use a lot of resources relative to the rest of the world and aren’t especially productive or intelligent (such as the topic starter) should be among the first committed to the gas chambers.

    And the rest of us will get a virtually limitless supply of lampshades and soap out of the deal.

    That solution would be pretty hard to top, no?

  3. 8

    “But how can I hold the aspirin when one of my knees is moving so swiftly toward Foster Friess’ balls?”

    Yet another glaring example of the feminist double-standard when it comes to “kick her in the cunt” vs. “kick him in the balls”.

    You do realise, don’t you Stephanie, that if this “joke” were directed toward a woman, every feminist blogger on FtB would be furiously blogging about outrageous “misogynistic threats of violence against women”?

  4. 10

    @ 9 Stephanie Zvan

    Ah, I see! My apologies. So it wasn’t a joke, it was a legitimate threat of violence.

    And you are arguing that this threat of violence was entirely justified because Friess is telling women what to do?

    So if a feminist blogger (let’s say, Ophelia Benson) were to presume to tell men what to do, then threatening her with a kick to the cunt would be perfectly reasonable.

    Is that right?

    Or do you need to think this through a bit more?

  5. 11

    @6: What in FSM’s name? Are you fucking serious? As much as I appreciate the evidence for AGW and especially for developed (not first-world) nations’ disproportionate contribution to it, and as much as I recognize that overpopulation is a serious threat to our responsible utilization of this planet’s limited resources, I can NOT comprehend how anyone with a brain in hir head would recommend the wholesale slaughter of human beings who “aren’t especially productive or intelligent” [sic].

    Go fuck yourself so hard with an aspirin bottle.

  6. 13

    Aw, isn’t that cute? Silentbob presumes that men have also been oppressed by women, the way women have been oppressed by men! Innit sweeeeeeeet?

    Look, tiger, the violence perpetrated against women, people of color, LGBTQ, people with disability, etc, by straight old white christian men like this dood has been so ubiquitous, so overt, and so underpunished that hoofin’ a dood in the junk every once in a while is a sliver of vindication in an otherwise shit pie for the oppressed. And if you ain’t oppressin’, then we ain’t talkin’ about leaving our size 7 stiletto in your sack, okay?

  7. 14


    Douchebag is misogynistic, dismisses women and dictates to them they need not concern themselves with a fundamental right and silentbob is flipping out over someone who was offended expressing violent intentions towards him?

    Bearing in mind what he said (loosely paraphrased “squeeze an aspirin between your legs”) how does that make sense? He already through down the gauntlet. He threw it down hard. Are we going to chastise an Korean man for calling a white man ‘whitey’ after the white man called him “chinaman?”

  8. 15

    @6: What in FSM’s name? Are you fucking serious? As much as I appreciate the evidence for AGW and especially for developed (not first-world) nations’ disproportionate contribution to it, and as much as I recognize that overpopulation is a serious threat to our responsible utilization of this planet’s limited resources, I can NOT comprehend how anyone with a brain in hir head would recommend the wholesale slaughter of human beings who “aren’t especially productive or intelligent” [sic].

    If someone doesn’t build the death camps, the Earth itself will become a death camp with no walls. Either/or.

    But, if they are built deliberately, then low quality human beings like Stephanie can be selected for extermination, leaving superior specimens behind.

    Why you see this as problematic, I don’t quite understand…

  9. 17

    Oh wonderfull, there’s a full frontal attack on the heath, humand and reproductive rights of American women and comment #6 is a fucking neo-nazi who dreams about genocide and #8 is “what about the menz”.

    Really, there’s obviously nothing more important than distracting the focus from the attack on women’s lives.

  10. 18

    @silentbob: As has been discussed before, it is simply ridiculous to perfectly equate an insult or threat to a privileged group with an insult or threat with a historically oppressed group. One could probably make an argument that the nut-kicking joke was inappropriate, but to act like it is inappropriate on the same level as “joke” threats of violence against women is just messed up.

    FWIW, this is one reason why I avoid the word “egalitarian” when describing my position on social issues (there are other reasons too). What most people mean when they say “egalitarian” probably does in fact describe me, but… Look, to take a millenia-long history of one group claiming privilege over another, and then think you can fix it all by just saying, “From now on, we are all magically equal!”, well that’s just idealistic bullshit.

    We could imagine a future where “I kick you in the balls!” and “I kick you in the cunt!” are equivalent, but that ain’t the present. Grow up and realize that.

    On a side note, there’s also a difference between the infamous “kick her in the cunt” remark and this one in that this one is clever. I’m not saying that automatically justifies it, but I’d be pretty unimpressed with a simple E-card that said “Foster Friess deserves to be kicked in the nuts!” By the same token, it would be a lot less off-putting, at least to me, (though arguably still inappropriate) to read a joke where the punchline involved “cunt-kicking” where said punchline had a clever lead-up. I imagine Stephanie and others may disagree here… but for me personally, I’m a lot more willing to tolerate questionable language if it’s actually funny.

  11. 19

    James, mostly it’s a conversation I’m not interested in having, because all it does is minimize what Friess has actually done. Whether I suggested a knee to the balls would be equal to a joke or an offhand statement is an irrelevant distraction when I did no such thing. Friess is one of the main supporters of Santorum, who as of last night finally says birth control should be legal and available–but still wants to dismantle the legal protections we have on the topic.

  12. Art

    Knees held together by the woman will prevent penetration by a man if he has a short penis. That, and a lack of understanding that women can bend at the waist, makes me wonder how these guys reproduce.

    Perhaps being a billionaire helps.

  13. 23

    Excuse me? How the hell did this post manage to inspire someone to talk about kicking me in the cunt? Why me? Why the fuck me? Because I don’t like franc hoggle talking about kicking me in the cunt and I say so, therefore I become the person to name when some piece of slime feels like musing about kicking a woman in the cunt?

    I’m fucking tempted to suggest an FTB-wide filter for this shit.

  14. 24

    More than 12 hours later – I still don’t know why me. I still don’t know why I got yanked into this discussion that had nothing to do with me, or why I’m the poster child for kicking women in the cunt. I’m registering my dissent. I am not the fucking poster child for kicking women in the cunt. I never volunteered for that job and I don’t want it. If people want to muse dreamily on kicking women in the cunt, there’s no obvious reason they have to NAME ME in the process.

  15. 29

    Sorry to post to the thread so late. I deliberately stepped aside from the conversation because I didn’t want to derail. My comment had nothing to do with the topic of the OP but was about a blatant double-standard exhibited by the post that I didn’t think should be allowed to slip by without being remarked upon.

    @ 23, 24 Ophelia Benson

    I mentioned your name above as an allusion to a comment on the ERV blog that was roundly denounced on FtB, because that widespread denunciation was central to the point I was making. Of course you want to “register dissent” at your name being associated with kicks to the groin. Then again, I’m sure this Friess character in the OP isn’t particularly enthused about his name being associated with kicks to the groin either, but none of us are going to be shedding any tears over that one, are we? (And if your concern for people’s names being connected with things they don’t like extends beyond your own, you might want to have a word to some of your blogging colleagues on the topic of “Santorum”.)

    As Grandma used to say, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander”*. And vice versa.

    If your allies are going to decry comments about blows to the groin then they shouldn’t be recommending cartoons about blows to the groin as things to “enjoy”. If they don’t have a problem with cartoons about hitting their enemies in the groin, then they shouldn’t be flying into indignant conniptions when one of their number finds herself on the receiving end of the same treatment.

    There’s a word for that behaviour. Starts with “h”, rhymes with “democracy”.

  16. 30

    Ooh. Great job of starting the conversation over as though nothing I have already said to you exists, Bob. Really great…except that you did it on the same thread where I already told why these things aren’t comparable. Oops.

  17. 31

    @ 30 Stephanie Zvan

    Oops indeed. *sigh*

    OK, let’s say that you have already explained to me these obvious differences (which you haven’t by the way, but never mind), but, alas, due to being dropped on my head as a small child your detailed and erudite explanation has sailed completely over my head.

    May I humbly petition you to take mercy on poor feeble-minded me and restate your iron-clad arguments once again for my edification?

    CASE 1: A blog commenter takes exception to something a blogger has said, and expresses his resentment with a joke/threat (whatever) about kicking her in the cunt.

    CASE 2: A cartoonist takes exception to something a man on the TV has said, and expresses his/her resentment with a joke/threat about kicking him in the balls.

    It would be very good of you to condescend to explain to me (yet again) what exactly is the difference (apart from gender) between these two.

    BEARING IN MIND, OF COURSE, that whether or not one agrees with the sentiments expressed should be irrelevant, because we can safely assume that the person making the joke/threat holds their opinions with the same conviction you hold yours.
    Bearing in mind that whether or not Friess has women chained in his basement fitted with chastity belts and aspirins taped between their knees, whether or not he is kind to small animals, whether or not his is a good man, a bad man, or the incarnation of Satan, makes not one whit of difference.
    Bearing in mind that what we are discussing now is not the relative merits of the ideologies or characters of those involved, but simply whether or not jokes/threats of genital violence are, per se, acceptable or unacceptable…

    … would you please indulge me by reiterating those differences you have mentioned?

    And if your answer is that they are sometimes acceptable and sometimes unacceptable, would you be so kind as to offer a handy guideline, irrespective of one’s own ideology, as to how one may distinguish between the two?

    If you could find it in your heart to offer something other than the evasive, side-stepping responses about how nasty Freiss is that you have offered up to now, I promise to do my very best to understand.

  18. 32

    Bob, I will happily explain the difference, in small sentences even, just as soon as you answer this: What has this hypothetical blogger, who (hypothetical) you would like to suggest deserves being kicked in the cunt, done that is a credible threat to your control of your own genitalia?

  19. 33

    @ 32 Stephanie Zvan

    Heh. You just couldn’t resist another go at Freiss, could you 😉 ?

    The answer to your question, Steph, is nothing. Not a thing. (And I really must protest, “hypothetical” notwithstanding, that I have never suggested anyone deserves a kick in the nether regions, metaphorical or not. I have only asked if that was your position. For the record, I have no problem with the Butterflies & Wheels blogger whose name I am forbidden to mention. I think she does a sterling job.)

    But seriously, that’s your answer? That all the furore caused by that “If I was a girl…” comment directed at She Who Must Not Be Named was not because there was anything intrinsically wrong with it, just that she hadn’t done anything bad enough to deserve it? Really?

    If that’s your answer, fair enough. But I confess a sneaking suspicion you’re not being entirely truthful here. I got the distinct impression at the time that the condemnation was over the violent imagery in the comment, not the lack of a sufficient motivation.

    Anyway, tell you what… Don’t bother with further explanation. I think it’s finally dawned on me that I stand a better chance of getting a straight answer if I ask the doorknob.

  20. 35

    I am not the fucking poster child for kicking women in the cunt. I never volunteered for that job and I don’t want it. If people want to muse dreamily on kicking women in the cunt, there’s no obvious reason they have to NAME ME in the process.

    Ophelia, I know the subject matter is very much not funny at all, but just wanted to let you know I very much appreciated the chuckle I got out of this brief rant of yours. Something about your well-justified righteous anger, combined with the surreal absurdity of having to even say something like this… I guess sometimes a good telling-off can be entertaining in its own right, even when the reasons for the telling-off make one want to cry.

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